Weird

New to me

By MisterMisinformed - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - Canada

Today, I found out that Whoopi Goldberg was NOT Oprah Winfrey's stage name. I was then laughed at for ages by my co-workers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 109

You deserved it 58 258

Run for the hills

By SickofhisBs - 06/07/2022 12:00

Today, and every time I don’t feel like having sex with my boyfriend, he audibly jerks off, and passively aggressively moans to try and guilt trip me into doing it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 282

You deserved it 645

Read the room

By Anonymous - 04/07/2022 22:00

Today, my longtime coworker confessed that she's always been in love with me, and now that I'm finally single again she wants to start a relationship. The reason I'm "finally single again" is because my wife (who I had been with for 27 years) died last week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 129

You deserved it 102

Public freakout

By Anonymous - 03/07/2022 18:00

Today, some guy punched me so hard I lost a tooth. I defended myself and broke his nose, so he started screaming for his mother. He turned out to be autistic, so witnesses, including the police, said I should have been more understanding of his disability after HE HIT ME AND TOOK MY FUCKING TOOTH OUT. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 483

You deserved it 135

Territorial

By creepy af - 01/07/2022 09:00 - United States

Today, I asked my girlfriend to wait at my new place for some furniture to be delivered. When I got the notification on my phone, I checked the cameras and saw her pressing her sweaty armpits against multiple surfaces. When confronted, she said she was using pheromones to “mark her territory.” WTF? FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 163

You deserved it 221

Roommates from hell, part 47757

By Sofvcked - 29/06/2022 10:00

Today, I found out when my new roommate said she was self-employed, she really meant unemployed. She insists that I let her stay for free or she will file a sexual assault case against me. Rent is due on the 10th. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 029

You deserved it 157

Wingnut

By Anonymous - 29/06/2022 06:00

Today, my son actually tried to get out of being arrested by claiming he was “an agent” and unless they let him go, his employers “from the government” would come looking for him and there would be “consequences”. The officers eventually got their breath back from laughing at him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 057

You deserved it 192

Superficial

By Bram - 29/06/2022 00:00

Today, I confessed to my husband that after having my eating disorder under control the last two years, I've relapsed the last three months. He responded by telling me to keep it up, because he wants to have the hottest wife out of all his friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 243

You deserved it 134

Hello, 911? Crazy person in my house

By Xxvc67 - 22/06/2022 22:00

Today, I was attempting to trash my cheating boyfriend’s house. While I was pouring gasoline all over his belongings, he decided to come home early with the little homewrecker. FML

I agree, your life sucks 223

You deserved it 2 348

Go ahead

By Anonymous - 22/06/2022 04:00

Today, I spent four hours listening to my mom berating me about how I needed to throw all my stuff out as she helped move me. Over 2/3 is hers. About 1/4 is my dad’s. FML

I agree, your life sucks 618

You deserved it 863

The blame game

By Anonymous - 21/06/2022 06:00

Today, I got home from work to the news my daughter and stepson are dating, and having sex, which is weird but not illegal, since they’re not related. My wife however is blaming me, because I apparently didn’t let her discipline them harshly enough when they were teenagers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 566

You deserved it 307

Frenemies

By Sigg - 21/06/2022 04:00

Today, we travelled back to England to meet my fiance's family. Turns out her cousin is a guy I hated from high school. I tried to be an adult, but we began sniping insults at each other like we used to. By the end of the night, we realised we actually missed hating each other and are now, ew, frenemies. FML

I agree, your life sucks 603

You deserved it 938

NO DANG CRT IN MY ZONE, BOY

By Anonymous - 20/06/2022 06:00

Today, I had to explain racism to my son after some of his school friends were talking about it. Another parent then stormed up to us, pissed off because even though I was explaining how bad racism is, just talking about it is itself racist, and he was offended by me. He made my son cry. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 116

You deserved it 251

Family secret

By Anonymous - 19/06/2022 22:00

Today, after my grandad died suddenly last week, we were cleaning out his house and found a full on sex dungeon, with pictures of him and nana going back 50 years. My siblings are all chicken shits, so I have to deal with that room by myself. Rubber gloves and a therapist required please. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 478

You deserved it 812

Mommie issues

By Anonymous - 17/06/2022 21:00 - Canada - Fredericton

Today, I found all my missing underwear that I have been looking for for months, and have been replacing. They were all hidden in a pile in my 14 year-old son's bedroom, covered in crusty stuff. When confronted, his response as to why was, "Hormones…?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 793

You deserved it 220

Rabbit hole

By Anonymous - 16/06/2022 17:00 - United States - Big Lake

Today, after falling down an incredibly expansive DNA test rabbit hole, I found out that my first girlfriend was actually related to me. I can’t believe I’ve lived what I always thought was a disgusting and unrealistic porn trope: teen lesbian incest. FML

I agree, your life sucks 928

You deserved it 286

Intrusive thoughts

By Anonymous - 16/06/2022 14:00

Today, at a BBQ, my boyfriend's friend told us, “Oh, this reminds my of the time I got third degree burns on my dick.” He’s been trying to talk to me, and I keep thinking about it how it must look like Freddie Kruger's. I don’t know what I just agreed to help him with, but I’m sure it will be a nightmare. FML

I agree, your life sucks 733

You deserved it 282

Who goes there?

By scared shitless - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States - San Francisco

Today, at my job as a night janitor, at which I work alone, I saw an old man enter a bathroom. When I went to investigate, it was completely empty. I'm now scared to work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 098

You deserved it 3 929

Damien

By Anonymous - 14/06/2022 10:00

Today, as an agency babysitter, I was sent to babysit “Satan’s evil twin.” This kid is so bad, the dad pays additional fees to the agency for every time he damages the sitter's personal items, or if they require a hospital visit. His advice was, "Don’t be afraid to hit him back or he will take your eyes." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 787

You deserved it 131

Social media poisoning

By fuck tiktok - 13/06/2022 18:00

Today, my coworkers have decided I'm a racist. Not because I started shouting racist slurs or something, but because I used to be a server, and they saw a TikTok video that said that all servers are secretly racist. Since it's on TikTok, it's obviously true, right? FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 101

You deserved it 122

Money for nothing

By Anonymous - 13/06/2022 10:00

Today, four years after coming back home from working in another country, I got a tax bill from that country. For my income there from two years ago. If they give me the money I supposedly earned, I'll gladly pay those taxes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 884

You deserved it 87

The odd couple

By Anonymous - 12/06/2022 04:00

Today, my girlfriend, for our first time having sex, wanted to do stepbrother roleplay. Not only is that odd for our first time, it’s a weird fetish to have, especially when she actually does have a stepbrother. We ended up not finishing having sex, it was too weird for me FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 899

You deserved it 274

What was your endgame?

By Travis32 - 11/06/2022 12:00

Today, I’ve been faking an Italian accent and said my name was Alessandro to impress a girl I was seeing. My plan was going well, until on a date at the mall, I heard, “Travis, what are you doing? Why are you talking like that?” It was my mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 191

You deserved it 2 149

Healthy relationship goals

By Anonymous - 10/06/2022 15:00 - United States - Chicago

Today, I'm more interested in Facebook stalking a former coworker than seeing what my girlfriend is doing on a business trip. On her birthday. For a week. Where she insisted on staying in her ex's spare bedroom. That she decorated for him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 658

You deserved it 864

It is kinda weird

By Anonymous - 10/06/2022 18:00

Today, about two years ago, my FWB pretended to be my boyfriend to get my mom off my back about being single. This ended up with our parents meeting, which ended up with my divorced dad marrying his widowed mom, so now my FWB is my step-brother and we don’t fuck anymore because he says it’s weird. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 867

You deserved it 407

Controlling

By Future kept man, going cheap FML - 09/06/2022 04:00

Today, my mom was helping me plan for going to college. After 30 minutes of me getting more upset, and her getting more frustrated, she directed me to Tinder, a wedding venue website, and the local address for Planned Parenthood. Her actual words were, "There's no shame in being a stay at home dad these days." FML

I agree, your life sucks 781

You deserved it 187

No happiness for you

By Anonymous - 08/06/2022 12:00 - United States

Today, my ex had a freakout because she found out I have a new girlfriend. She doesn't want me back or anything, she herself has a new boyfriend. Her issue is she just doesn't want to see me happy with someone else. Apparently, I'm supposed to just stop existing now that she's done with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 014

You deserved it 136

Mrs Nostradamus

By Anonymous - 08/06/2022 02:00

Today, my mum met my amazing new girlfriend, but later said she'd probably cheat on me. She had correctly foreseen my ex would get pregnant against my will, take the child away, and sue for support, which I didn't believe back then. What should I do now? FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 028

You deserved it 201

Unionize

By Replacable - 07/06/2022 12:00

Today, I was fired. Last week, I was written up because I came in one minute late from lunch break. The week before, I was yelled at for yawning. I found out it was all a plan for my boss’s favorite employee to get promoted to my position, so they wanted a reason to terminate me. I work in an “at will” state. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 211

You deserved it 155

Pencil

By thought that was a good thing - 07/06/2022 01:00 - United States

Today, my boyfriend once again asked me if I could “not get so wet down there” when we have sex, because it “feels funny”. Ummm, even if I could control it, I never knew it was a problem. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 420

You deserved it 170

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The Top

Today, I'd gotten home from dropping my boyfriend off when my dad said, "Your phone's been buzzing." I had a text saying, "You're grounded" from my Dad. My "Take your birth control" had been going off for a half an hour while I was gone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 057

You deserved it 31 889

Hi gang! My name is Julien and I’m very happy to be with you for this week’s brand new illustrated FML. I’m so happy, I feel like rolling about like a turtle. This week, we’re trying something different. As you may know, FML was originally ...

I agree, your life sucks 12

You deserved it 12

The Top

Today, my partner and I spent the last 3 days transitioning our 19 month-olds bedtime by 15 minutes each day for daylight savings, only to find out we've been going the wrong way. FML

I agree, your life sucks 363

You deserved it 1 285

Today, I bought a used car from a friend of mine. After getting the car home and further inspecting it, I found one of my wife's earrings in the backseat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 70 516

You deserved it 4 573

Today, I lost my dog while hiking. After searching the trails for an hour and a half, he was by the car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 470

You deserved it 8 563

Today, my fiancé, his mother, my father and I went out to celebrate my birthday and our recent engagement. After dinner, my father and future mother-in-law revealed to us that they had secretly been dating and were talking about also getting married. Anybody want cake? FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 646

You deserved it 3 133

Today, I received pictures on my phone of my husband leaving a hotel with a young lady. Upon confronting him about it, he told me it was his “twin brother.” When I brought up that he was an only child, he said, "Stop believing shit people tell you unless it’s coming from me" and hung up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 281

You deserved it 109

Today, a new fire alarm system is being installed in my building. Not only does the alarm go off incessantly, but the elevators stop running when it happens. I live on the 12th floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 782

You deserved it 3 102