Awkward, Wanker and Intimacy: Alone time - FML

Alone time

By Anonymous - 21/10/2015 12:12 - Philippines - Quezon City

Spicy

Today, as I snuck downstairs for a midnight movie, I witnessed my dad "polishing his wand" to Harry Potter porn in the living room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 965

You deserved it 3 773

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Same thing different taste

By Anonymous - 26/04/2015 10:05 - South Africa - Pretoria

Today, I snuck downstairs to watch a midnight movie. One moment I'm trying to plug my headphones in, in the dark, and the next my dad's beating the shit out of me with a baseball bat. Turns out he snuck down after me for a midnight snack and thought I was a burglar disconnecting the TV. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 189

You deserved it 5 304

By PizzaNIF - 13/07/2016 17:58 - United States - Henderson

Spicy

Today, I was woken up by the sound of my dad blasting porn on his computer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 843

You deserved it 1 334

Stop right now!

By Anonymous - 02/06/2013 22:36 - United Kingdom - Grays

Today, my dad watched his first Lord of the Rings marathon. Now he keeps spouting lines from the movies, and thought it'd be funny to hide in my closet, just to jump out at me screaming, "My precious!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 012

You deserved it 7 580

By ginny - 10/09/2009 17:18 - United States

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend came in my room dressed as Harry Potter and declared that he was going to put his basilisk into my chamber of secrets. And yes, that was my first time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 263

You deserved it 8 255

Old school cool

By Chimychunga - 01/08/2010 06:47 - United States

Spicy

Today, while helping my dad look for his watch, I found his porn collection. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 331

You deserved it 5 645

By Bisounours - 22/07/2011 11:23 - France

Today, I went to see the new Harry Potter movie with my boyfriend. Feeling an intense need to pee, he decided to sacrifice a few minutes of the movie before the highly-anticipated final combat to get some relief. He went through the wrong door, locking himself out. Right until the end. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 814

You deserved it 1 419

By beachbumb8538 - 15/07/2011 17:01 - United States

Today, I had to do a "damage report" on myself after going to the midnight premiere of Harry Potter. As I was waiting for the previews, a 20 year old man dressed as a house elf tackled and wrestled me for my seat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 754

You deserved it 5 273

When pranks go too far

By ObviousBooty - 17/07/2016 07:31 - United States - Kankakee

Spicy

Today, me and my dad were in a sort of prank war. I decided to get him back for one last time tonight, so I hid in his office to scare him. This would have been okay had I not caught him watching porn. I had to hide for an hour. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 149

You deserved it 3 846

By monty - 09/03/2009 02:53 - United States

Today, I was babysitting for my mom's coworkers two little boys. they went to bed around 9 and I was watching a movie on HBO. I fell asleep before the movie was over. I woke up to the parents walking into the house. I looked at the TV, and porn was on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 371

You deserved it 13 431

By ;)loganberry(; - 27/12/2011 17:58 - United States

Spicy

Today, my dad walked into my room, threw some magazines on my bed, and calmly said "You left your porn in the bathroom again." FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 692

You deserved it 50 425

Next

Top comments

iAlissa 34

Thursday 22 October 2015 0:41

That's a huge Dumbledon't

pokemyeyes 23

Thursday 22 October 2015 0:43

"Polishing his wand" *gag* Graphic choice of words there op

Comments

vikky538 28

Thursday 22 October 2015 4:06

You have specific skill set of using special metaphors

jumpshot32 11

Thursday 22 October 2015 4:51

I solemnly swear i'm up to no good.

dragkyre 4

Thursday 22 October 2015 4:53

"Can I borrow wood for a moment" I guess he was whamping his willow

Moosebandit 6

Thursday 22 October 2015 5:30

What is Harry Potter ****?!

thatonetribute 31

Thursday 22 October 2015 5:35

Oh, yeah! Dumble my door, Harry!

elcee1987 18

Thursday 22 October 2015 7:37

This was really clever in a really sick way. Good job.

fullerkate3 17

Thursday 22 October 2015 5:37

Ohhhhh that sucks

Cnscott0205 15

Thursday 22 October 2015 5:55

You can't be Sirius?

dirtbikeguy 14

Thursday 22 October 2015 6:05

So you caught a glimpse of Harry Peter?

mauguster 15

Thursday 22 October 2015 6:58

Wingardium leviosaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

whatunicorn 17

Thursday 22 October 2015 7:28

bleach your eyes babygirl!

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Keywords

Miscellaneous Sleep Awkward Love Weddings Television Money Relatable Snow Transportation Annoying Family Kids Pregnancy Mental health Empathy Toxic Food Animals Cats Argument Gamers Health Valentine's Day Gross Homeowners Home improvement Babysitter Drugs Music

The Top

Today, after a long and tiring day at work, I went to the movies, where I loaded up on soda, popcorn, and candy, and settled in to enjoy the movie. I ended up falling asleep and being woken up two hours later by an usher. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 227

You deserved it 8 406

Today, I was at a restaurant and confidently ordered in what I thought was fluent French. The waiter stared at me for a second, then responded in perfect English, "Dude, this is an Italian restaurant." FML

I agree, your life sucks 81

You deserved it 690

The Top

Today, my boyfriend refuses to do doggy style anymore because I, and I quote, "have a weird looking butthole, it’s not dirty or anything, it’s just the strangest butthole I’ve ever seen, it’s really distracting." So now, I’m not only self-conscious about my small boobs, but my ugly asshole too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 804

You deserved it 359

Today, as usual, my mom got shitfaced and started berating me for something. This time, it was for missing a therapy appointment. Not only am I unable to drive, it was her appointment. For her alcoholism. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 940

You deserved it 2 804

Today, I was born and raised in Georgia, and later moved to Florida for college. I'm not sure which state has more embarrassing representation right now. I'm literally scared of what new laws might be passed, or what rights taken away. I wish I had enough money to move to another country. FML

I agree, your life sucks 950

You deserved it 600

Today, I recently taught my 6 year-old son that, to be polite, you have to pretend you haven't noticed if someone farts. Now it embarrassingly just happened to me, and he shouted with a big smile, "See? I'm pretending I didn't hear it!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 125

You deserved it 343

Today, on the bus, a delusional old man had an extremely long conversation with me, referring to me as "Leslie" and talking about "our childhood together". Not wanting to hurt his feelings I played along. At his stop he got up and grinned at me, saying "I'm kidding. I never knew a Leslie in my life. Nice rack." FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 610

You deserved it 17 093

Today, I ran out of my usual hand lotion that I use for 'me time'. I instead decided to try and us my after shave lotion as a replacement. Apparently, my member doesn't agree with one of the ingredients, and has now swollen to the size of my fist. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 678

You deserved it 33 487