Don't wanna know

By Anonymous - 27/01/2011 17:02 - United States

Spicy
Today, my mother dragged me into Victoria's Secret to get my opinion on some lingerie. Lingerie she'll be using to get into my dad's pants this evening. FML
I agree, your life sucks 36 851
You deserved it 3 738
Thanksgiving: Turkeys and Skids
Family meals that turn absurd, because Thanksgiving is also about laughing at little disasters. More…
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Top comments

Rocksygen 0

Wow, what a coincidence. This caused me to have a flashback to my days serving aboard the USS Futility of First Post. Yeah, it was a long time ago, but it's directly relevant to the FML, trust me on this. So there we were, en route to the Gulf of Aden on anti-piracy duty. The men were restless. I didn't know why at the time, just wrote it off as nerves. I mean, it was our maiden voyage, the men were bound to be on edge. My second-in-command, Nick "The Cunter" Rock, was on the bridge, flossing his nipples. The man had his faults, but one thing you couldn't accuse him of was having unkempt areolae. Those nipples had won more naval battles than I could recall, and I sure as hell wasn't going to judge my XO for being a stickler for personal hygiene. But that's a story for another day. It was all going smoothly. The crews of the pirate vessels were struck dead by the radiant shine of the sun reflecting off my shaven head, leaving nothing but a trail of ghost ships in our wake. Then IT came. We didn't stand a chance, it was all over before it even began, some dipshit had brought an undomesticated Perdix on board, and before anyone could unholster their sidearm, the creature had raped out half the crew. Even Big Nick's razor-sharp nipples couldn't hold out. It was only by the most staggering luck that just as my turn came, I was abducted by a UFO. I know what you're thinking: anal probing. No, people, no. It was a fate even worse than anal probing or indeed death. Gonna put it bluntly, people, because this is no laughing matter, no reason to beat around the bush. They forced me to listen to Justin Bieber's My World 2.0 album. Christ, it hurts just to think about it, but the world needs to know. Long story short, I woke up in a corn field in Texas, naked, ears bleeding, and with no reproductive organs left to speak of. They branded me a coward, said I'd deserted the ship. Bastards. They had to blame someone, and I guess it fell on me, being the captain. The price of serving your country. I only wish I could go back in time and take that wild Perdix on hand-to-hand like a man, but I sold my coked-up Delorean to cover my counselling fees. This is why I say this isn't an FML, cause I've had it so much worse. Wee-woo.

66 4
slicklol 7

Dude, what tha **** are you doing here when u could be selling those stories to family guy?!

54 0

Comments

Rocksygen 0

Wow, what a coincidence. This caused me to have a flashback to my days serving aboard the USS Futility of First Post. Yeah, it was a long time ago, but it's directly relevant to the FML, trust me on this. So there we were, en route to the Gulf of Aden on anti-piracy duty. The men were restless. I didn't know why at the time, just wrote it off as nerves. I mean, it was our maiden voyage, the men were bound to be on edge. My second-in-command, Nick "The Cunter" Rock, was on the bridge, flossing his nipples. The man had his faults, but one thing you couldn't accuse him of was having unkempt areolae. Those nipples had won more naval battles than I could recall, and I sure as hell wasn't going to judge my XO for being a stickler for personal hygiene. But that's a story for another day. It was all going smoothly. The crews of the pirate vessels were struck dead by the radiant shine of the sun reflecting off my shaven head, leaving nothing but a trail of ghost ships in our wake. Then IT came. We didn't stand a chance, it was all over before it even began, some dipshit had brought an undomesticated Perdix on board, and before anyone could unholster their sidearm, the creature had raped out half the crew. Even Big Nick's razor-sharp nipples couldn't hold out. It was only by the most staggering luck that just as my turn came, I was abducted by a UFO. I know what you're thinking: anal probing. No, people, no. It was a fate even worse than anal probing or indeed death. Gonna put it bluntly, people, because this is no laughing matter, no reason to beat around the bush. They forced me to listen to Justin Bieber's My World 2.0 album. Christ, it hurts just to think about it, but the world needs to know. Long story short, I woke up in a corn field in Texas, naked, ears bleeding, and with no reproductive organs left to speak of. They branded me a coward, said I'd deserted the ship. Bastards. They had to blame someone, and I guess it fell on me, being the captain. The price of serving your country. I only wish I could go back in time and take that wild Perdix on hand-to-hand like a man, but I sold my coked-up Delorean to cover my counselling fees. This is why I say this isn't an FML, cause I've had it so much worse. Wee-woo.

66 4
slicklol 7

Dude, what tha **** are you doing here when u could be selling those stories to family guy?!

54 0
SweetJTBR 22

And... How is that related to OP's Story? @OP: Just forget about it! How do you think you were born xD?

6 21
Doortje 29

**** you Rocksygen, Justin Bieber is awes-- aaaah, never mind, I can't even get mysef to type it. FYL man, you should totally write an FML about this. But unfortunately I don't think 300 characters are going to be enough to cover your truly saddening story.

22 0
DahkLohd 4

O Sirin, how I love thee. How on earth do you come up with these?

15 0
awesomeooo3 0

"Today, I found out that my parents still have a perfectly natural, healthy sex life, and my mum just wanted some advice. FML." What?

0 0
UpsidedownKayak 9

Was it worth it Rocksygen? WAS IT? You coward, you ran from Perdix and left you men to horrors that are unspeakable. They will never be right in the head again. I bet it was you that brought that undomesticated Perdix on board and released it among the sailors, you bastard! What am I yelling at you for, you can't even hear me after your ears were ruptured. I hope you have those songs stuck in your head forever.

8 0
derek2143 0

it was good right till you got to Justin bieber I could t read it anymore

6 0
aryan_chris 0

your suppose to write a comment not a whole essay

1 16
Doortje 29

Actually, you do need to write essays in the comment section. It's kind of the whole point of FML. You write an essay, and the moderators grade it. I've been getting straight As so far, but that's because I'm bribing them with hash brownies. When I finish this year I can proudly put my FML Diploma on the wall above my bed.

24 0
TheNewGuy03 28

sirin, you are a freaking genius. anyway, i'd like to know if there will be a sequel to this misadventure! |the kid|

0 0
CallMeHush 0

A, with a plus for working in our favorite Texan.

0 0
Lounia_fml 8

LOOOOOL how does Sirin come up with these?

0 0
gabsta 3

umm i think your gonna have to rephrase "long story short" because i didnt even read the whole thing it was WAY to much :| hahaha

1 3
xoestefaniaxo 0

I agree with #5! lmfao this was a great story

1 0
DahkLohd 4

Wow, your parents have sex! Who could have imagined such a thing?!

32 5
BoCo_fml 9

I think the mental picture of his Mom's sagging **** in Victoria's Secret lingerie is the FML here. So, OP, I say that this an FML. Now go watch the nastiest, bloodiest horror movie you can find to get that picture out of your head.

11 1
ryrock310 10

it wouldn't be as awkward if he weren't a dude

2 2
beastxmanx45123 0

35, him being a guy and having to do that is kinda the whole point of the FML.

3 0
comepoopwithme 0

where is ur nose?

0 1
Rick_S 3

Get back at your Mom by telling your Dad about it. That way, when he sees her in it, he'll think of you, and (hopefully) be unable to enjoy them.

15 2
theten_fml 9

Rick you're sick!

0 0
TheNewGuy03 28

#36, no, you got it all wrong. rick is actually slick. :D |the kid|

0 0
DoubleEdgedBlade 4

Never gonna give you up Never gonna let you down...

1 0
Chris5146 3

Sorry to break it to you, but parent's have sex. Your also born because your mom was in your dad's pants. What are you, a grade 5 kid who never had sex ed or visited a pron site? ...

6 13
allmidnighteyes 10

The FML isn't the fact that OP's mom and dad are having sex, it's that OP's mom took him to Victoria's Secret to model it for him before showing it off to her husband.

13 0
TheNewGuy03 28

i think that it's also embarrassing for the op, as he's in a victoria's secret (a public place) with (and for) someone who is not his girlfriend or wife. mom: does this look good on me? op: *looks around skittishly* um...uh... what would make op's mother think this is okay? |the kid|

2 0
emodude44 0

It's not the fact that they do ot that bothers me. I understand they have needs... But i don't want to know about it.

3 0
TheNewGuy03 28

yep, it's good...for them! i just don't need to be taking part in the process in any way... >< |the kid|

3 0
maybaybe 0

Well you may not be able to get rid of this life scarring moment, but I sure hope you forget those mental pictures.

4 0
perdix 29

FYL for having a mom who has to work at getting in your dad's pants! I can't imagine what it must look like to see a woman who can't get her husband to **** her trying to shoehorn her massive mounds of flab into tiny underwear that might be sexy on a woman half her weight. As far as I'm concerned, a decent-looking woman ought to have sex on demand from her husband. If she's frustrated, at least one of them has a problem.

4 7
TheNewGuy03 28

ha...good point! the fact that she has to put so much effort into getting some from the dad says a lot. i know, women tend to get all dolled up for "the occasion," but still... |the kid|

0 0
guppy40000 0

it sounds like your mother and you have a good relationship and that she both admires and trusts your judgement. Try to be more mature about your parents relationship, at least there not divorced and fighting all the time

1 0