Sex, Sextoys and Intimacy: First time, last time

First time, last time

By tuggernuts - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I was using a penis pump for the first time. It was awesome until it sucked my left testicle into the tube. I'll be singing soprano for a while now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 595

You deserved it 44 772

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Top comments

chocolatepandas 2

Tuesday 17 July 2012 19:00

So that's why Justin Bieber's voice is so high...just kidding he doesn't have a penis.

banstrom17 4

Tuesday 17 July 2012 19:00

At least u didnt suck them both up!

Comments

Nightmare998 0

Friday 20 July 2012 10:04

Now we know the dangers of these things

Nightmare998 0

Friday 20 July 2012 10:19

129 JB sucks thats all there is to it, and my voice was deeper when I was 13 than his voice is now.

michelele 0

Saturday 21 July 2012 0:00

you'll have one ball bigger than the other!!!

jasonstackhouse 10

Saturday 21 July 2012 2:41

Haha, or; a longer hanging ball than the other!

katties 27

Saturday 21 July 2012 18:49

Ouch! Don't use those things - they don't really work anyway...

shawnagreenbean1 9

Sunday 22 July 2012 8:02

Howwwww the ****...?

ThatGirl6 9

Monday 23 July 2012 9:44

lmao that's hilarious and you deserve it

HeartOfLead 24

Tuesday 24 July 2012 4:45

So there has been a rise in penis problem recently.

woeismee 1

Sunday 29 July 2012 7:33

Lololol xD

15949058 4

Tuesday 31 July 2012 15:27

Oh............. ouch............... I have never understood why there a penis pumps. Probably cause I am a 13 year old girl -.-

Jbjk 0

Saturday 4 August 2012 18:20

YDI

Keywords

Animals Cats Work Awkward Christmas Health Embarrassing Boredom Love Anniversary Intimacy Abuse Ironic Transportation AITA Alcohol Am I overreacting? Drunk Gun control Kids Parents Language Mysterious Noise Relatable Money Food Delivery Miscellaneous Family

The Top

Today, my son is apparently old enough for his dad to teach him the “Don’t tell mommy” game, such as, "Don’t tell mommy you had extra dessert", or "Don’t tell mommy it was daddy who accidentally broke the window with daddy’s secret new air rifle." FML

I agree, your life sucks 922

You deserved it 181

Today, I put my sexiest lingerie on, lit candles, put some sensual music on, and got my bed ready to surprise my boyfriend when he came home. I positioned myself in the sexiest pose possible. He came home and didn't come in my room for twenty minutes because of a football game. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 150

You deserved it 6 979

The Top

Today, I took my dog to the vet because he hadn't eaten his food in three days, was drinking a lot of water, and was peeing a lot (all signs of antifreeze poisoning). I spent $200 at the vet to tell me that my dog is fine and just didn't like his current food. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 987

You deserved it 5 536

Today, my train was canceled so my ticket expired by the time another train arrived. I was fined $90 by ticket inspectors 'cause my claim that the early train didn't run was "unsubstantiated". Leaving the train I was pushed by the crowd, fell, lost a shoe and had to walk home with one bare foot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 158

You deserved it 2 744

Today, I had fallen asleep in the back of a friend's car on the way home from a night out. When I woke up, they were in the middle of a full-on make out session. I had to pretend to be asleep for 20 minutes until they decided to "wake me up". FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 571

You deserved it 3 126

Today, I woke up and texted my girlfriend, "Good morning" like I do everyday. She responded with, "I'm dating somebody else". FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 435

You deserved it 2 254

Today, my son and daughter-in-law are both going to jail for the same crime. I’m recently retired but I’m now stuck raising their bratty 15 year-old and their new baby, who’s less than a year old. I’m nearly 70 years-old, I can’t do this shit anymore. I certainly can’t afford it on a pension. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 094

You deserved it 116

Today, it was my two year anniversary with my boyfriend. As we were about to exchange gifts, he got a call and said he had to go home immediately. What was the emergency? His guild leader couldn't find another healer to finish a raid and promised my boyfriend gear if he would step up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 153

You deserved it 4 701