Miscellaneous: My ears!

My ears!

By ANONYMOUS -_- - 15/12/2013 17:18 - United States - Providence

Today, I had to go tree shopping with my dad and some of his work buddies. It hit its lowest point when one loudly told us about a crap handjob he got recently. "I mean yeah, choke the cock," he said, "but don't choke it to DEATH, nam'sayin'?" I'd never wanted to just drop dead more. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 967

You deserved it 3 568

Winter: Snow and Funny News
Snuggle up and laugh with our winter stories, where snow isn't the only thing sliding around! More…

Previous FML Next FML

Same thing different taste

Move!

By patrickRafael - 29/12/2009 14:21 - Singapore

Today, my father was pruning the tree in our front yard. I was helping him collect the falling branches. At one point, a branch fell and I was under it. My father jumped to push me out of the way. Instead he pushed the branch into my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 394

You deserved it 3 009

By shoutoutloud2him - 05/12/2009 08:48 - United States

Today, I was at Home Depot getting a Christmas tree with my family. While picking out a tree, a man thought it would be nice to help cut off the string that held the tree together. The branches hit me in the face and the guy managed to cut my hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 991

You deserved it 2 637

This the end

By Anonymous - 27/12/2021 20:01

Today, my dad's last words before he fell into a coma, and later died, were about how he wanted to stick his face in the ass of his 20-something nurse and motorboat her cheeks. I had to lie to my mother and say that his last words were that he wanted to see her again before the end. Thanks dad, NOT. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 942

You deserved it 194

You have been warned

By PUA - 15/03/2012 01:06 - United States

Today, I met my girlfriend's parents. Her huge, ex-Marine father took me out back, saying he wanted to show me something. That something was a machete. He savagely buried it in a tree stump and said, "Son, if you break my daughter's heart, that'll be your dick." FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 332

You deserved it 6 601

By Anonymous - 01/06/2013 07:51 - United States - Portland

Today, I was making love to my fiancée, when she dug her nails into my back and told me to "choke" her like I did last night. I was at work last night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 90 125

You deserved it 6 179

Manosphere dumbass

By dadoftheyear - 07/05/2015 03:27 - United States

Today, I had to say to my 23-year-old son that it's not a compliment to tell a woman that he wants to jam his cock down her throat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 160

You deserved it 5 732

Meat beating

By Anonymous - 07/05/2024 09:00 - New Zealand

Today, I attended a family gathering where everyone was taking turns sharing exciting life updates. When it was my turn, I proudly announced that I'd finally mastered the art of adulting... only for my dad to pipe up with, "Makes a change from when you used to wank like a gibbon thinking we couldn't hear you up there." FML

I agree, your life sucks 467

You deserved it 215

Oh hell no

By Anonymous - 27/07/2024 13:00 - United States - Anaheim

Today, I was in the "getting to know you" phase of dating a guy I recently met. We were talking about our families and I mentioned my dad died when I was young. He blurted out, “So, we get to have some of that kinky daddy issue sex then, huh?” I’m not sure if he was joking or not but still… FML

I agree, your life sucks 501

You deserved it 114

By sucks at sucking - 15/12/2012 00:27 - United Kingdom - Bournemouth

Today, I went down on my boyfriend for the first time. I went slowly to build up the excitement, and I thought it was working really well, until he sighed, "For fuck's sake, it's a dick, not a shotgun." and told me to stop embarrassing him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 885

You deserved it 9 239

By dad, please - 16/05/2016 05:37 - United States - Wellesley Hills

Today, I had a mini heart attack as my dad stopped in the middle of the street and said, "I wonder what'd happen if I just dropped my pants right now and started jerking it in front of all these motherfuckers." FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 015

You deserved it 1 559

Nyx_fml 23

Sunday 15 December 2013 23:48

*sees location* Maybe this person was trying to choke it to death in order to make some Kentucky Fried ****.

Rainhawk94 27

Sunday 15 December 2013 23:55

Maybe he should loosen his grip on his right hand next time

Comments

zoepie 7

Sunday 15 December 2013 23:53

That's ******* gross, **** your life OP.

Pleonasm 35

Sunday 15 December 2013 23:53

Cocks: now with lungs. Maybe "********" actually make sense now.

Sputnikspak 13

Monday 16 December 2013 0:47

It's basically just mouth to mouth for your dick.

ThatFancyPenn 18

Sunday 15 December 2013 23:54

Well Merry Christmas :-)

Rainhawk94 27

Sunday 15 December 2013 23:55

Maybe he should loosen his grip on his right hand next time

RedPillSucks 31

Monday 16 December 2013 16:21

He's left handed. That was his mothers right hand.

shhhaaarrron 12

Sunday 15 December 2013 23:55

That sounds like an awkward situation. Sorry you had to hear that OP

Readoll 13

Monday 16 December 2013 0:01

he was totally lying... Too much exaggeration

Jemm_fml 29

Monday 16 December 2013 0:07

No matter what, that's se seriously inappropriate talk a man's friends should be having around his kids. I hope you're at least an adult, that would make it only a little less obscene... but still... ugh.

MzZombicidal 36

Monday 16 December 2013 0:57

This story reminds me of my high school graduation. My dead beat "dad" showed up, after having just come back into my life and decided to tell me each and every classmate of mine that he'd like to bang. Hopefully OP's dad at least tried to halt that disgusting talk around his kid. Even when they're older, I can't see how some parents would be comfortable having them hear that.

sexysaltshaker 11

Monday 16 December 2013 0:22

Could've been on about the bird? Ok, no?

outoftown 26

Monday 16 December 2013 0:34

What kind of dad allows such talk around his daughter?! Oh, yours. FYL, OP.

koolkool994 28

Monday 16 December 2013 0:38

Thank god my dad is not like that!

speakersboom 19

Monday 16 December 2013 4:29

my mom doesn't have that much of a filter, too, OP. the first time she let me wear skinny jeans, I hid behind a tee shirt rack while she told the lady at the counter "I don't like them. that show off her ******". or when she said leggings were whory because it looked like someone "spraypainted my goods and put them on display". I feel your pain, OP.