Miscellaneous, Awkward, Dad jokes and Funerals: Not now, Dave

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Not now, Dave

By shanti - This FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff

Today, my husband cracked a "Rectum? Damn near killed him" joke at my grandfather's funeral. He had genuinely spoken without thinking, but his quick gasp and "Oh shit" sounded quite sarcastic. We were both kicked out. My family thinks I put him up to the whole thing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 497

You deserved it 4 852

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Same thing different taste

By sillymink - 20/08/2016 02:06 - United States

Today, I accidentally farted in the middle of my grandfather's funeral and my cousin started cracking up. It caused a chain reaction of laughter throughout all of the other cousins and my siblings. Now my aunts won't speak to any of us. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 745

You deserved it 2 422

Overheard musings

By thanks hun - 07/05/2020 20:00

Today, my husband came out of the bathroom and screamed, "Call 911 because I just murdered this motherfucking toilet!” then laughed hysterically at his own stupid joke. I was on a Zoom meeting at the time. Everyone heard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 007

You deserved it 278

Read the room

By Sarah - 11/02/2025 09:00 - United States - Austin

Today, I was at a family gathering and during a lull in the conversation I started to tell a joke to lighten the mood. Halfway through, I realized the joke was incredibly inappropriate. The room fell silent, and my grandma hasn’t looked at me the same since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 95

You deserved it 610

Not funny

By Anonymous - 09/10/2015 18:02 - United States - Colorado Springs

Today, while having lunch with my grandparents, my grandpa's eyes glazed over, his head fell and he slumped in his chair. I started panicking and almost cried, thinking he was dead. Then he laughed and said "Just kidding. I'm fine." FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 179

You deserved it 2 699

Don't mention it

By PoorGramps - 09/12/2009 07:39 - United States

Today, my greatgrandpa came over for dinner. Halfway through the meal, he pooped himself. My family went through the rest of the meal acting like we hadn't noticed to avoid embarassment. As it was coming to an end, my sister came home and immediately yelled, "Ew! Did someone poop?" He cried. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 478

You deserved it 3 152

By Anonymous - 06/07/2011 23:38 - United States

Today, my family attended the funeral of an old family friend's baby, who died in childbirth. Afterwards, my husband went around snickering and quietly telling dead baby jokes to the other attendees. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 738

You deserved it 6 247

By Anonymous - 08/08/2015 05:18 - Canada

Today, I witnessed my dad wake himself from a nap with his own fart and start panicking in confusion. I guess I shouldn't have broken down laughing, because he demanded to know what I did to him. He didn't believe the truth and bitched me out for screwing around. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 559

You deserved it 2 161

By ubbernoob - 05/03/2009 19:33 - United States

Today, I walked into my house to find everyone sitting around the table and looking sad. I thought it would be a good time to crack a joke and said, "What's wrong? Grandma finally die?" Turns out she had. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 283

You deserved it 143 023

Hot air

By SuperSleuth - 07/10/2021 11:01 - United States - Miami

Today, right before my hubby got home and walked into the bedroom, I farted. The smell was so bad that he thought he'd stepped in shit and to looked at the bottom of his shoes for dog poop. I laughed so hard, but with a horrified look he asked, "How"? He says I've got to see a doctor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 834

You deserved it 355

By DutchOven - 04/07/2009 21:07 - United States

Today, was my wedding. After eating, I had an urge to fart. I let one rip just before my husband and I were called to do the garter dance. He seductively tried to use his teeth to remove the garter and came out from under my dress dry heaving. I dutch ovened my husband in front of everyone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 412

You deserved it 25 969

HowieDoIt 21

Sunday 16 February 2014 19:49

Never heard that one before, i'll have to add that to my...arsenal of jokes.

onealmxwilson 18

Sunday 16 February 2014 20:05

#20, that would be his grammar

Comments

martin8337 35

Sunday 16 February 2014 20:45

Ass clown?

buttcramp 21

Sunday 16 February 2014 20:54

funerals make people nervous sometimes and people respond to this feeling in various ways.. sorry this happened to you guys, OP.

Neighborhoods 8

Sunday 16 February 2014 20:55

Kinda insensitive, I'm so sorry OP

it__happens 17

Sunday 16 February 2014 22:26

Sounds like your in a pickle

worldclassrager 39

Sunday 16 February 2014 22:29

Sorry for your loss...he needs to work on his maturity a bit more...

Jemm_fml 29

Sunday 16 February 2014 23:27

Worth it.

tj4234 35

Sunday 16 February 2014 23:39

I don't get this joke. Can someone please explain it to me? Sorry for being slow but I'm just back from a long and boring shift at work xD. Also, when it's my turn to have a funeral I hope people make jokes at it.

Fsvb 32

Monday 17 February 2014 1:20

I... I dont get it either, being a not-native English speaker would be my excuse I guess?

ohishkabibble 21

Monday 17 February 2014 2:04

"Rectum" sounds a lot like "wrecked 'em" when you say it. So it would sound like, "Wrecked 'em? Damn near killed 'em!" Basically, it's a butt pun, but since OP's husband was at a funeral it obviously wasn't an appropriate thing to say.

VonBlitzkrieg 27

Tuesday 18 February 2014 5:44

Is that seriously what the joke is? Wow, that's lame. I don't see in what scenario that "joke" would come up, though.

fawfulster 11

Monday 17 February 2014 2:46

I don't get it.

HKCgrimmjow 15

Monday 17 February 2014 5:07

#1 they are picking on your grammar out of kindness. Otherwise they would need to pick on your shitty comment to begin with, and well, nobody wants their heart broken.