Intimacy: Realistic

Realistic

By IBleedArbor - 16/02/2009 22:59 - United States

Today, my dad told me to take my stress out by getting a girlfriend. My mom laughed and said, "No that won't work, just go jack off in the shower again." FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 302

You deserved it 5 027

Thanksgiving: Turkeys and Skids
Family meals that turn absurd, because Thanksgiving is also about laughing at little disasters. More…

Previous FML Next FML

Same thing different taste

By Author - 24/02/2014 22:22 - United States - Naples

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. Devastated, I told my dad about it, hoping he'd help cheer me up. His advice was, "Just rub one out son, you'll feel better in no time." Thanks dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 413

You deserved it 6 838

Handy

By Anonymous - 06/03/2011 18:15 - Sweden

Today, my girlfriend was giving me a handjob in the shower. As I was reaching climax, my mom walked by the bathroom door and started talking to me. My girlfriend didn't stop, and in order to distract from the situation at hand, I had to carry on the conversation with my mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 901

You deserved it 11 994

By jack s.b. - 14/11/2013 22:15 - United States - Austin

Today, my dad walked in on me jacking off. He swore and told me to lock my door next time. Later on I heard him snickering and telling my mom that I "jack off real weird." FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 063

You deserved it 16 429

By sexandanxiety - 30/04/2015 00:46 - Canada - Stittsville

Today, my mother was trying to have yet another "helpful" conversation about how to fix my anxiety. My sister's insightful comment? "I think your problem is that you need to get laid." My mom agreed with her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 654

You deserved it 4 226

By Anonymous - 26/07/2011 04:30 - United States

Today, my girlfriend was over at my house for the first time. I told her I had to go take a shower, and from the other room my grandmother yells "you're not going to jack off this time are you?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 016

You deserved it 8 977

By Anonymous user - 09/08/2018 06:00

Today, my mom laughed about hearing me singing in the shower and told our whole family. I wasn't singing, though. I was masturbating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 046

You deserved it 2 955

No help wanted

By Anonymous - 20/01/2013 18:22 - New Zealand - Hamilton

Today, after an hour of crying over a guy I like, I put on some Adele and sang along. My mom quickly took notice and came to give me advice, which was to "get over it" because he doesn't want me, and that "masturbation beats relationships hands down." Gee, thanks mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 626

You deserved it 7 579

By Damian - 22/04/2011 11:11

Today, my mom confused me with my dad. She got in the shower with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 88 982

You deserved it 6 665

In the mood

By Steve - 16/12/2012 06:25 - United States - Oshkosh

Today, my girlfriend and I were in the mood for something different. So we decided to have sex in the shower. When we were finished I heard a voice outside the door asking if we needed a towel. It was my mother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 806

You deserved it 18 371

Play it cool

By Fraser - 08/03/2012 19:03 - Canada

Today, my mother caught me masturbating. Trying to defuse the awkward tension, I said "Oh, I was just thinking about you!" Not a good idea. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 203

You deserved it 56 646

Hannah_fml 0

Tuesday 17 February 2009 2:04

You have a GREAT mum!

FunWriter20 0

Tuesday 17 February 2009 3:07

Lol, that's hilarious and brutal. But maybe she wasn't being mean. Maybe she means girlfriends just add stress, because you'd have to get brave and ask one out, figure out nice dates and whatnot.

Comments

ninjb 0

Saturday 10 October 2009 3:30

Wow! My mom is SO different than yours!

Hockeylover87_71 0

Saturday 24 October 2009 7:47

hmmmm, you sound like a hottie ;)

Hockeylover87_71 0

Saturday 24 October 2009 7:49

wait....nevermind

nvandiver123 1

Saturday 13 March 2010 4:27

anti-work? nice word choice

CaptaiNiLL 0

Wednesday 11 August 2010 7:57

mum ftw

CaptaiNiLL 0

Wednesday 11 August 2010 8:02

pretend u hav a stomach ache and pretend ur takin a long dump

monkeykiller77 0

Thursday 23 September 2010 2:19

holy shit that's what I do

SaRah_In_LoVe 0

Monday 25 October 2010 8:05

lol your dad makes it sound like you should get a girlfriend to beat her.

slimjadee8080 0

Monday 25 July 2011 6:43

whenever my man is stressed his 4 year old brother says to him 'get (insert name here) to blow your tummy up with your peepee, that always makes you happy' :/

slimjadee8080 0

Monday 25 July 2011 6:43

whenever my man is stressed his 4 year old brother says to him 'get (insert name here) to blow your tummy up with your peepee, that always makes you happy' :/