Intimacy and Health: Saucy

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Saucy

By ouchhhh - 20/07/2018 05:00

Today, my boyfriend and I decided to try something new in bed. He blindfolded me and I felt something cold on my lady parts. Five seconds later it started burning so I looked. He decided to use toothpaste because he couldn't find chocolate sauce to lick off. It hurts to pee. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 645

You deserved it 636

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Same thing different taste

Bernie

By Anonymous - 27/11/2017 06:00

Today, my boyfriend went down on me for the first time. It would have been great, if a mate of his didn't tell him to put Listerine strips in his mouth first "for the tingle." I've been running cold water over my burning genitals for 15 minutes while he laughs at the door. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 021

You deserved it 628

By Anonymous - 03/04/2018 05:00

Today, my boyfriend put chili powder on our loo roll as a "harmless" prank. He forgot women use loo roll to wipe the sensitive parts of their bodies. I have itchy weeping sores inside my vagina and am considering sticking an ice cube up there to stop the burning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 585

You deserved it 398

Spice it up

By Anonymous - 27/02/2020 18:00

Today, a few days after I let my boyfriend introduce food into our sex life and we used melted chocolate, I've now got a UTI. I’ve never had a UTI before in my life, so I’m blaming him for the fact it feels like I’m peeing needles dipped in acid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 968

You deserved it 2 470

New one

By Anonymous - 07/02/2020 12:00 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I closed my eyes while my boyfriend was fingering me, and I felt a cold liquid inside me. I opened my eyes, and he was pouring yogurt into me. He said “I wanted to try something new.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 515

You deserved it 478

Thin brown line

By Poopy - 12/01/2009 16:19 - United States

Today, my man and I were having sex on edge of bed. We were using chocolate spread and I was riding him. When we were done, he got up and I noticed a long brown line on the edge of the bed. I knelt down to smell it. It was NOT chocolate. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 902

You deserved it 8 249

Spicy!

By feeling dusty - 11/03/2018 06:00

Today, my husband and I were about to have sex for the first time in months. We wanted to spice things up by using chocolate sauce during a blowjob, but the chocolate glued his foreskin to his penis and he cried. Safe to say the dry spell continues. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 885

You deserved it 1 617

By Anonymous - 28/11/2011 03:03 - United States

Today, my boyfriend decided that vaginal, oral, and anal sex are starting to get boring. Let's just say that my armpit is now drenched in lube. I'm afraid of what he's going to want to try once he gets bored of this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 337

You deserved it 10 520

By katie - 23/08/2019 06:00 - United States - Chicago

Today, my boyfriend and I decided to try the ice cubes in the vagina thing we'd read about. He kept sticking one in after another and they got stuck. My vagina had a brain freeze for a half an hour. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 858

You deserved it 4 050

By Anonymous - 01/03/2011 17:32 - United States

Today, while getting it on with my boyfriend, I decided to be spontaneous and do something sexy. I started taking his underwear off with my teeth. My teeth dragged over his shaft, and my braces cut up his foreskin in the process. Now he's not talking to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 767

You deserved it 62 048

Prank gone wrong

By Anonymous - 27/02/2023 18:00

Today, my prank-loving girlfriend pushed hot sauce up my penis hole with her tongue by pretending she was going to give me oral sex. It’s been an hour of burning, it’s worse when I pee, and I think I may need a hospital. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 908

You deserved it 260

DanielleinDC 33

Friday 20 July 2018 5:10

Your boyfriend is an idiot. (P.S. You probably shouldn't put chocolate sauce on your lady parts either.)

RichardPencil 30

Friday 20 July 2018 5:14

****** dentata is a myth — you don’t need dental hygiene down there.

Comments

Sam Fisher 13

Friday 20 July 2018 7:59

Even I (a male like op’s bf) knew toothpaste + genitalia = excruciating pain from the mint farms of hell. Mind you, I learned a different way than y’all did, but I was much younger and solo 😂😅😓

Sam Fisher 13

Friday 20 July 2018 8:04

And FYI grammar nazis, I realized too late that I should’ve said “knows” instead of “knew” but idk how to edit a comment short of deleting it and recommenting, I decided to just do this. And I also wish to say hi to everyone of FML that ends up reading my comments!

wHSKitty 11

Saturday 21 July 2018 2:24

Ok, inquiring minds minds want to know, what did you do when you were younger?

Davros 12

Friday 20 July 2018 8:58

Thank god it wasn't taco Tuesday.

PhoenixChick 26

Friday 20 July 2018 15:46

I think it was, but he wasn't hungry for tacos and that was the problem.

PhoenixChick 26

Friday 20 July 2018 15:47

I think it was, but he wasn't hungry for tacos and that was the problem.

PhoenixChick 26

Friday 20 July 2018 15:49

Guys everywhere: it's a ******, not a garbage disposal. You don't just chuck whatever you have laying around in there and hope the thing doesn't break.

Ilmoran 20

Friday 20 July 2018 23:40

So you mean I shouldn't try using a chicken bone as a *****?

Davros 12

Saturday 21 July 2018 1:33

Sounds like a douche commercial. Mom and daughter walking on the beach. " Sometimes I don't have that minty feeling down there" "Well here, try Crest...."