Intimate moments: Self harm

Self harm

By Embarrassed - 06/12/2018 03:00

Today, I managed to give myself a blowjob and it was great. The only problem is that I got stuck between the wall and my bed while I was doing it. I had to call for help and my whole family came to see what was wrong. They all knew what I was doing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 392

You deserved it 6 227

Autumn: Leaves and Laughter
When the leaves fall, the laughter rises. Discover autumn stories as crisp as dried leaves! More…

Previous FML Next FML

Same thing different taste

By pleasedie - 07/05/2015 18:00 - United States - Fort Lauderdale

Today, I took a shower with my boyfriend. I tried to be adventurous and went to give him a blowjob, only to end up slipping and head-butting him in the balls. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 035

You deserved it 6 802

Caught

By Boredom - 26/01/2009 21:09 - United States

Today, I tried to suck my own penis. Autofellatio. My mother walked in on me and I flipped backwards off the bed. ER and 10 stiches above my eyebrow later, I asked her not to ever bring it up again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 845

You deserved it 76 243

By fungettingdressed - 12/10/2010 12:57 - United States

Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, my fingers got stuck between the wall and headboard. Screaming, he thought I was enjoying the sex and kept going even harder. I have 3 broken fingers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 939

You deserved it 9 090

Lock your doors

By Anonymous - 27/05/2019 00:14

Today, I was touching myself in my room. Just as I hit the climax, my mom walked in because she heard me making noises and thought I was having a nightmare. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 470

You deserved it 763

By canucks_chick - 23/10/2011 05:45 - Canada

Today, I dislocated my jaw while giving my boyfriend a blowjob. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 657

You deserved it 21 052

By Anonymous - 30/12/2015 15:21 - Canada - Aurora

Today, my girlfriend gave me my first ever blowjob. It felt like she was skinning my dick alive with her teeth. I had to pretend to finish myself off in the bathroom and tell her it was because I didn't want her to have to swallow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 161

You deserved it 5 568

By Rumpkis - 05/12/2011 01:30 - United States

Today, I almost got a blowjob for the first time. Except I came before I even got in her mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 968

You deserved it 18 671

Come again

By Anonymous - 09/07/2009 07:35

Today, I gave my boyfriend a spontaneous blowjob while we were watching TV. After he finished, I tried to pull a sexy move I'd seen in a porno by zipping his pants back up with my teeth. His foreskin got caught in the zipper and we spent the next few hours in the emergency room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 994

You deserved it 62 529

How very dare you?

By Anonymous - 04/05/2021 02:01

Today, I caught my wife trying to give herself oral sex. It was sexy and also kinda funny, so I offered to do it to her properly. She got explosively mad for some reason and actually threw me out. I’m writing this from my brother's spare room, wondering where I went wrong. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 767

You deserved it 357

Handy

By Anonymous - 06/03/2011 18:15 - Sweden

Today, my girlfriend was giving me a handjob in the shower. As I was reaching climax, my mom walked by the bathroom door and started talking to me. My girlfriend didn't stop, and in order to distract from the situation at hand, I had to carry on the conversation with my mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 900

You deserved it 11 994

Phillycheeze 20

Thursday 6 December 2018 4:43

Well look on the bright side. At least they didn't find you with your head up your ass..

Chewy1 18

Thursday 6 December 2018 3:02

Reach for the stars , not your own ankles.

Comments

Devon Knoles 10

Wednesday 5 December 2018 4:51

You never know if you can do this, till you try. But that is hell of a feat for any man to attempt.

Chewy1 18

Thursday 6 December 2018 3:02

Reach for the stars , not your own ankles.

RichardPencil 30

Thursday 6 December 2018 3:17

That sucks.

manlove38 23

Thursday 6 December 2018 4:15

User see what you done there

blahblabbity 19

Thursday 6 December 2018 3:58

did you tell them you said “no ****” first?

fjvitt 14

Thursday 6 December 2018 3:59

Gives new meaning to “eat a dick”...

Jennifer Michelle Julietta 4

Thursday 6 December 2018 4:06

I thought it wasn't even possible. unless you're long in the right places & more flexible than anything...

Stan_The_Man 7

Thursday 6 December 2018 4:23

Congratulations bro, that’s an incredible accomplishment.

Phillycheeze 20

Thursday 6 December 2018 4:43

Well look on the bright side. At least they didn't find you with your head up your ass..

manb91uk 22

Thursday 6 December 2018 4:52

Next time, just hop onto Grindr... It's easier

PhoenixChick 26

Thursday 6 December 2018 5:04

Your parents should be proud. And think of how much money they'll save on kleenex and lotion!

Keywords

Love My ex Shopping Family Holidays Vacation AITA Am I overreacting? Annoying Parents Harassment Miscellaneous Relatable Engagement Food Health Ironic Work Awkward Money Technology Singing Embarrassing Kids Party Sex Cute Revenge Mental health Covid

The Top

Today, as a CNA, I had to go through the belongings of a patient. His phone rang and I answered - it was his boss. As I explained, he cut me off and said to "drop the act" and "he better be there now or he's fired". He was pronounced dead-on-arrival. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 673

You deserved it 197

Today, during a dinner party, some friends brought up how sweet, innocent and caring they thought I was. I had to sit there as my drunk boyfriend cut them off and loudly argue that I was neither sweet nor innocent, and really nothing that special at all. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 978

You deserved it 4 590

The Top

Today, I finally determined the source of the horrible smell that periodically invades my apartment: there's nothing wrong with the plumbing as I previously thought, I can just smell my neighbors pooping in their bathroom on the other side of the wall. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 398

You deserved it 720

Today, I got yelled at for 10 minutes by my head of department for failing one of my students for plagiarism, because, "we can't be sure." It was my work he plagiarised, but because it's not in our system, it doesn't count. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 413

You deserved it 87

Today, my neighbors were busted for a meth lab in their garage. Yesterday, I signed the mortgage. Welcome to our new neighborhood, kids. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 092

You deserved it 3 977

Today, I found out the name on my driver's license is incorrect. I don't know what's worse: the fact the government can't even copy a goddamn name correctly, or that it took me three months to notice, when a cop nearly arrested me for carrying a "fake" license. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 540

You deserved it 4 878

Today, while buying Red Dead Redemption 2, the cashier spoiled the ending. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 238

You deserved it 330

Today, my mother showed up to pick something up from my house. I was sleeping and before I knew it she was in my bedroom, jumping on my bed, saying hi to my ex-girlfriend who she thought was with me. It wasn't my ex, and I doubt that girl will ever want to hang out again after that awkward morning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 278

You deserved it 199