Intimate moments: Self harm

Self harm

By Embarrassed - 06/12/2018 03:00

Today, I managed to give myself a blowjob and it was great. The only problem is that I got stuck between the wall and my bed while I was doing it. I had to call for help and my whole family came to see what was wrong. They all knew what I was doing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 392

You deserved it 6 227

Winter: Snow and Funny News
Snuggle up and laugh with our winter stories, where snow isn't the only thing sliding around! More…

Previous FML Next FML

Same thing different taste

By pleasedie - 07/05/2015 18:00 - United States - Fort Lauderdale

Today, I took a shower with my boyfriend. I tried to be adventurous and went to give him a blowjob, only to end up slipping and head-butting him in the balls. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 035

You deserved it 6 802

Caught

By Boredom - 26/01/2009 21:09 - United States

Today, I tried to suck my own penis. Autofellatio. My mother walked in on me and I flipped backwards off the bed. ER and 10 stiches above my eyebrow later, I asked her not to ever bring it up again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 845

You deserved it 76 243

By fungettingdressed - 12/10/2010 12:57 - United States

Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, my fingers got stuck between the wall and headboard. Screaming, he thought I was enjoying the sex and kept going even harder. I have 3 broken fingers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 941

You deserved it 9 090

Lock your doors

By Anonymous - 27/05/2019 00:14

Today, I was touching myself in my room. Just as I hit the climax, my mom walked in because she heard me making noises and thought I was having a nightmare. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 471

You deserved it 764

By canucks_chick - 23/10/2011 05:45 - Canada

Today, I dislocated my jaw while giving my boyfriend a blowjob. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 657

You deserved it 21 052

By Anonymous - 30/12/2015 15:21 - Canada - Aurora

Today, my girlfriend gave me my first ever blowjob. It felt like she was skinning my dick alive with her teeth. I had to pretend to finish myself off in the bathroom and tell her it was because I didn't want her to have to swallow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 161

You deserved it 5 568

By Rumpkis - 05/12/2011 01:30 - United States

Today, I almost got a blowjob for the first time. Except I came before I even got in her mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 969

You deserved it 18 671

Come again

By Anonymous - 09/07/2009 07:35

Today, I gave my boyfriend a spontaneous blowjob while we were watching TV. After he finished, I tried to pull a sexy move I'd seen in a porno by zipping his pants back up with my teeth. His foreskin got caught in the zipper and we spent the next few hours in the emergency room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 994

You deserved it 62 530

How very dare you?

By Anonymous - 04/05/2021 02:01

Today, I caught my wife trying to give herself oral sex. It was sexy and also kinda funny, so I offered to do it to her properly. She got explosively mad for some reason and actually threw me out. I’m writing this from my brother's spare room, wondering where I went wrong. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 768

You deserved it 357

Handy

By Anonymous - 06/03/2011 18:15 - Sweden

Today, my girlfriend was giving me a handjob in the shower. As I was reaching climax, my mom walked by the bathroom door and started talking to me. My girlfriend didn't stop, and in order to distract from the situation at hand, I had to carry on the conversation with my mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 901

You deserved it 11 994

Phillycheeze 20

Thursday 6 December 2018 4:43

Well look on the bright side. At least they didn't find you with your head up your ass..

Chewy1 18

Thursday 6 December 2018 3:02

Reach for the stars , not your own ankles.

Comments

Devon Knoles 10

Wednesday 5 December 2018 4:51

You never know if you can do this, till you try. But that is hell of a feat for any man to attempt.

Chewy1 18

Thursday 6 December 2018 3:02

Reach for the stars , not your own ankles.

RichardPencil 30

Thursday 6 December 2018 3:17

That sucks.

manlove38 23

Thursday 6 December 2018 4:15

User see what you done there

blahblabbity 19

Thursday 6 December 2018 3:58

did you tell them you said “no ****” first?

fjvitt 14

Thursday 6 December 2018 3:59

Gives new meaning to “eat a dick”...

Jennifer Michelle Julietta 4

Thursday 6 December 2018 4:06

I thought it wasn't even possible. unless you're long in the right places & more flexible than anything...

Stan_The_Man 7

Thursday 6 December 2018 4:23

Congratulations bro, that’s an incredible accomplishment.

Phillycheeze 20

Thursday 6 December 2018 4:43

Well look on the bright side. At least they didn't find you with your head up your ass..

manb91uk 22

Thursday 6 December 2018 4:52

Next time, just hop onto Grindr... It's easier

PhoenixChick 26

Thursday 6 December 2018 5:04

Your parents should be proud. And think of how much money they'll save on kleenex and lotion!

Keywords

Love Cheating Money Relatable Work My ex Jealousy Health Accident ADHD Medication Weather Snow Miscellaneous Embarrassing Awkward Relationship advice Am I overreacting? Weird AITA Dating Sleep Annoying Parents Mental health Furniture Kids Friends Gross Public freakouts

The Top

Today, my boyfriend and I were getting intimate. I was getting pretty horny, and I thought some dirty talk would turn him on. Amid my panting, I breathed the words, "Fuck me." He then stopped and said, "Excuse me, I don't like hearing that language." and wouldn't continue until I corrected myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 482

You deserved it 11 506

Today, I have a stutter that gets worse with stress. We got a new supervisor today and the first thing she said to me was, “Either spit it out or write it in an email, for fuck's sake!” I’m now so scared of her, I go almost mute if we’re in the same room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 533

You deserved it 93

The Top

Today, I listened to my elderly bachelor neighbor moan, "Oh, kitty, kitty, kitty! Oh kitty!" for over half-an-hour before he wandered out on his balcony in wet, tight white underwear to water his plant. This is the fifth time this week, and I still don't know what on earth he's doing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 204

You deserved it 3 377

Today, my son wants to go to Norway for our holiday and my husband wants to go to Disneyland, so of course they decide they can only choose by having a Nerf battle through the entire house. Meanwhile, I seem to be the only one taking anything seriously. This is why I despair of both of them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 384

You deserved it 775

Today, I woke up and went to the bathroom and took a massive piss. Then I actually woke up, well and truly soaked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 576

You deserved it 9 471

Today, I had to take my husband to the hospital because he thought it would be funny to Superglue googly eyes to his dick. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 069

You deserved it 307

Today, my morning sickness got so bad that, while at the grocery store, I had to throw up in my purse. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 962

You deserved it 4 221

Today, my boyfriend walked in on me having phone sex with another guy. He either didn't notice or didn't care. FML

I agree, your life sucks 529

You deserved it 5 232