Sex, Healthy Lifestyle and Intimacy: Sexy time

Sexy time

By Anonymous - 30/07/2009 09:23 - United States

Today, I tried to be sexy and put a condom on with my mouth. Instead, I inhaled it and my boyfriend broke three of my ribs giving me the Heimlich maneuver. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 512

You deserved it 59 436

The rhythm of the fight
Discover all the best anecdotes from the month of January, with or without snow, with or without you. More…

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Same thing different taste

Choking hazard

By notsexy - 09/05/2009 15:51 - United States

Today, I tried for the first time putting a condom on my boyfriend using my mouth. I freaked out, swallowed, and started choking on the condom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 097

You deserved it 83 414

By eeewww - 21/11/2018 03:13

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend and he ejaculated without warning, shooting straight up my nostril. I accidentally snorted it, started choking, and then coughed it up in my mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 466

You deserved it 803

By Anonymous - 18/02/2013 19:11 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I was about to make out with my boyfriend, so I quickly swallowed my gum. Moments later, I started choking on the gum, and ended up spitting it out into his face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 094

You deserved it 40 045

Work on your skills

By banana - 26/02/2009 03:01 - United States

Today, I decided to practice putting a condom on with my mouth. Then my roommate walked in on me using my mouth to roll a condom onto a banana. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 930

You deserved it 74 579

My love language is…

By BlueBirdWings - 31/05/2019 02:30

Today, my boyfriend and I were cuddling on the couch. Trying to be suave, he put a Kool-Fruit between his teeth and motioned for me to kiss him so he could put it in my mouth. Just as he was about to do so, I inhaled, swallowing it. He then had to watch me dry-retching as I tried to get it back up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 498

You deserved it 321

Seduction technique

By BlueBirdWings - 06/03/2012 07:20 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend and I were cuddling on the couch. He held a Kool Fruit in his teeth, and motioned for me to kiss him, so he could put it in my mouth. Just as he was about to do this, I inhaled. He then had to watch me dry retching, trying to get it back up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 791

You deserved it 6 806

Come again

By Anonymous - 09/07/2009 07:35

Today, I gave my boyfriend a spontaneous blowjob while we were watching TV. After he finished, I tried to pull a sexy move I'd seen in a porno by zipping his pants back up with my teeth. His foreskin got caught in the zipper and we spent the next few hours in the emergency room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 995

You deserved it 62 532

By Rob - 06/06/2012 16:02 - United States - Neoga

Today, after having sex with my girlfriend, I jokingly held the condom above my mouth. Somehow, the condom busted, and everything went over my face. Worse still, we're now wondering just how safe this condom really was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 751

You deserved it 42 646

By Anonymous - 27/02/2016 07:27 - Japan - Ageo

Today, I was getting intimate with my husband, and I tried to do a swift position-change like they do in the movies. I wound up flipping off the bed and busting my nose open on the floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 794

You deserved it 5 503

The Taste of Love

By Anonymous - 05/04/2020 14:00

Today, I was watching a romantic comedy at my boyfriend's house. During the make out scene, I decided to go in for a kiss. He apparently decided to belch at the same time. I could taste it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 494

You deserved it 319

thebigslim 13

Thursday 30 July 2009 16:22

Was it at least a flavored condom?

sportmaster525 0

Thursday 30 July 2009 16:27

i don't think thats what he meant when he said "now open up and swallow"...

Comments

kiki1995_fml 0

Tuesday 11 August 2009 4:40

that is ******* hilarious that had to be some explanation you told your parents

Theywerebrandnew 0

Sunday 27 September 2009 8:49

Thats why you can breathe thru your nose

ForgottenRemix0 0

Tuesday 3 November 2009 19:18

lmao, way to go champ. they werent made for your mouth haha

Jlevrt 0

Tuesday 2 March 2010 0:25

why did u inhale???

senseofreason 0

Monday 21 June 2010 3:29

that is not sexy at all u crazy

glitterbabe224 0

Friday 9 July 2010 7:07

that's deffinatly gonne break the condom smartts. have fun with your baby (:

tookietookie123 5

Sunday 25 July 2010 15:41

Push near the bellybutton not the chest lol fail

FamiliarEyes 0

Wednesday 1 September 2010 6:31

you're actually supposed to break a few ribs if you do it right, so you're pretty lucky

theprey 0

Sunday 3 October 2010 2:00

you were sucking when you should have been blowing.

ak5645 0

Tuesday 11 January 2011 3:31

its because "everythings bigger in texas" haha

Keywords

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The Top

Today, I accidentally dropped my engagement ring down a sewer. To my surprise, the sewer water was frozen and my ring sat on top. During my efforts to retrieve it, I had to watch as the ice slowly melted due to the warm day. The ring sank further and further until it was completely gone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 463

You deserved it 6 819

Today, while I was getting intimate with my husband, he moaned someone else's name. He actually tried to explain himself by saying that he'd had a "divine encounter," and while "possessed by the Lord," he'd been told the name of our future daughter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 180

You deserved it 3 102

The Top

Today, I wanted to prove to my dad that I can drive, so that he'd let me use his car in future. Let's just say I helped him remove the fence that he was planning to repair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 156

You deserved it 18 967

Today, a guy came into the small coffee shop I work at, and got angry because I wouldn't accept his Starbucks gift card as valid payment. When I told him we clearly aren't a Starbucks, he said "It's all the same shit" and ended up throwing a punch at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 234

You deserved it 3 157

Today, I saw my grandmother. All of my cousins and I went to say hi to her, one by one. When I got up to her and said, "Hi grandma!", she said in Chinese, "I don't remember this one." FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 926

You deserved it 2 581

Today, I got a boner at the dentist's. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 010

You deserved it 8 876

Today, two guys robbed me. As I wrestled them on the ground, my best friend just stood next to all this, telling me to give them the money already, or we'd be late for school. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 982

You deserved it 248

Today, I returned from a long business trip a day early to surprise my wife. She was sleeping, so I climbed into bed and started spooning her. Thinking I was an intruder, she simultaneously kicked me in the groin, elbowed me in the ribs, and smacked the back of her head into my jaw. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 305

You deserved it 26 917