Sex, Awkward and Intimacy: Smooth talker

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Smooth talker

By ugh - 31/01/2012 00:25 - United States

Today, I was getting intimate with my girlfriend. It was going well until she started talking dirty, saying stuff like, "You like my tushy, baby?" "I want to fellate you so bad," and "You'll need some ice after this one." My boner practically retracted into my body. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 984

You deserved it 5 610

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Same thing different taste

By Anonymous - 27/02/2015 19:37 - United States - Roseville

Today, while having sex, my fiancé started talking dirty. I enjoyed it, until he had a brain fart and said, "God, you love fucking my pussy." FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 022

You deserved it 4 309

By shallowvomit1013 - 23/12/2009 01:09 - United States

Today, my girlfriend came over to my house. Hoping to get a little action, i started to make out with her. Unfortunately I was wearing basketball shorts so when I got an erection all she did was bat it back forth like a cat toy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 057

You deserved it 5 436

Finger wagging

By Anonymous - 16/12/2024 14:00 - United States - Edison

Today, my normally-prudish girlfriend grabbed my crotch and said, "I want you to fuck me like I've never been fucked." I obliged. She loved it, until after we'd finished, when she decided that she felt "cheap, gross, and used" and started a huge fight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 567

You deserved it 113

By princess - 12/04/2014 21:01 - United States - San Marcos

Today, my boyfriend and I were getting frisky, and I whispered that I love him. He immediately lost his boner, and a few minutes later "remembered" he had to be somewhere else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 601

You deserved it 7 170

By bad in the sack - 05/07/2014 04:26 - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I were having sex. She was on top, and then stopped, got off, and said, "Let's go get ice cream." I think this was her way of telling me I suck at sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 187

You deserved it 11 470

Miscommunication

By Anonymous - 25/10/2012 05:45 - United States

Today, I was getting intimate with my girlfriend. When she went to give me a blow job, I got embarrassed and told her I'd rather just please her instead. Now she thinks she's inadequate and I'm being a jerk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 734

You deserved it 18 588

By StretchNuts - 11/03/2010 12:50 - United States

Today, while getting it on with my wife, I started to talk dirty to her. She started laughing. When I asked her if she wanted me to stop, she just kept on laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 494

You deserved it 4 829

By shit.... - 08/11/2012 18:25 - Malaysia - Kuala Selangor

Today, I was making out with my girlfriend, and things started getting pretty hot. That is, until I tried to remove her shirt. Somehow, I managed to grab her pajama shorts and give her a violent wedgie. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 643

You deserved it 31 369

Booming

By Anonymous - 26/04/2013 22:22 - United States - Arvada

Today, things got pretty steamy between my boyfriend and me. We started doing stuff that neither of us had tried before. Then, he straddled me with a raging erection and boomed, "IT HAS RISEN!" He didn't understand why I was suddenly no longer in the mood. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 951

You deserved it 10 210

By Something I said? - 05/11/2013 15:26 - United States - Bronx

Today, as my wife and I were getting intimate, I thought I would try a little "dirty talk". I whispered in her ear that I would "dick her down good". She couldn't stop laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 061

You deserved it 59 111

Glitterhinoceros 14

Tuesday 31 January 2012 3:05

Yeah, that's not very attractive >.>

GrooveTurtle 0

Tuesday 31 January 2012 3:05

She be trollin?

Comments

Elijah69 0

Tuesday 31 January 2012 14:10

What's wrong with you boy?! I about came just reading this. She said tushy?! She must intend to use it to burn your dick for the ice requirement. A girl witha nasty vocabulary is hard to come by.

Hammer01 8

Tuesday 31 January 2012 14:12

What the hell is wrong with you???? That is SEXY.

ohSNAPyall 26

Tuesday 31 January 2012 14:27

"You'll need some ice, ice, baby."

BrysGirl27 14

Tuesday 31 January 2012 15:23

Haha WTF?? Who even says tushy now adays?? D: haha did you need ice after??;P

zues70 4

Tuesday 31 January 2012 15:40

Been there...hate that!

BrewCityMatt 5

Tuesday 31 January 2012 15:49

I agree, very "G" rated dirty talk. I'd have a hard time holding the laughter back. Also why would you need ice?? Was she planning to give you a colonoscopy?

dsypher 0

Tuesday 31 January 2012 17:06

Once I'm ready to go, she could say she was gonna kill me and my boner wouldn't retract. I gotta finish the job lol

Jessnoel86 0

Tuesday 31 January 2012 17:07

Tushy? O_0

Levvy 22

Tuesday 31 January 2012 17:07

Countries with low birth rates just need to institute a licensing program for the privilege to talk dirty. I guarantee it'd drive the pace of reproduction up.