Sex, Awkward and Intimacy: Smooth talker

Smooth talker

By ugh - 31/01/2012 00:25 - United States

Today, I was getting intimate with my girlfriend. It was going well until she started talking dirty, saying stuff like, "You like my tushy, baby?" "I want to fellate you so bad," and "You'll need some ice after this one." My boner practically retracted into my body. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 969

You deserved it 5 604

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Same thing different taste

By Anonymous - 27/02/2015 19:37 - United States - Roseville

Today, while having sex, my fiancé started talking dirty. I enjoyed it, until he had a brain fart and said, "God, you love fucking my pussy." FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 000

You deserved it 4 306

By shallowvomit1013 - 23/12/2009 01:09 - United States

Today, my girlfriend came over to my house. Hoping to get a little action, i started to make out with her. Unfortunately I was wearing basketball shorts so when I got an erection all she did was bat it back forth like a cat toy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 044

You deserved it 5 428

By princess - 12/04/2014 21:01 - United States - San Marcos

Today, my boyfriend and I were getting frisky, and I whispered that I love him. He immediately lost his boner, and a few minutes later "remembered" he had to be somewhere else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 588

You deserved it 7 162

By bad in the sack - 05/07/2014 04:26 - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I were having sex. She was on top, and then stopped, got off, and said, "Let's go get ice cream." I think this was her way of telling me I suck at sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 167

You deserved it 11 465

Miscommunication

By Anonymous - 25/10/2012 05:45 - United States

Today, I was getting intimate with my girlfriend. When she went to give me a blow job, I got embarrassed and told her I'd rather just please her instead. Now she thinks she's inadequate and I'm being a jerk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 709

You deserved it 18 568

By StretchNuts - 11/03/2010 12:50 - United States

Today, while getting it on with my wife, I started to talk dirty to her. She started laughing. When I asked her if she wanted me to stop, she just kept on laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 468

You deserved it 4 825

By shit.... - 08/11/2012 18:25 - Malaysia - Kuala Selangor

Today, I was making out with my girlfriend, and things started getting pretty hot. That is, until I tried to remove her shirt. Somehow, I managed to grab her pajama shorts and give her a violent wedgie. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 636

You deserved it 31 360

Booming

By Anonymous - 26/04/2013 22:22 - United States - Arvada

Today, things got pretty steamy between my boyfriend and me. We started doing stuff that neither of us had tried before. Then, he straddled me with a raging erection and boomed, "IT HAS RISEN!" He didn't understand why I was suddenly no longer in the mood. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 933

You deserved it 10 196

By Something I said? - 05/11/2013 15:26 - United States - Bronx

Today, as my wife and I were getting intimate, I thought I would try a little "dirty talk". I whispered in her ear that I would "dick her down good". She couldn't stop laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 056

You deserved it 59 092

By sixsix - 24/12/2008 11:19 - France

Today, I made love to my girlfriend. I penetrated her for a while, then stopped to get my breath back... She carried on moaning even though I'd stopped moving. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 178

You deserved it 8 661

Glitterhinoceros 14

Tuesday 31 January 2012 3:05

Yeah, that's not very attractive >.>

GrooveTurtle 0

Tuesday 31 January 2012 3:05

She be trollin?

Comments

kitkatknicknack 12

Tuesday 31 January 2012 23:02

So I imagine your prude?

JiggyBoo123 11

Tuesday 31 January 2012 23:07

What, is she four?

KiddNYC1O 20

Tuesday 31 January 2012 23:17

That's hot.

Nashiq 8

Tuesday 31 January 2012 23:43

sounds like she started a job @ happy hands asian jerkoff palace.

SpRiTzSpLaSh 7

Tuesday 31 January 2012 23:45

Get some duck tape. Then apply a generous amount to the region located beneath the nose

guerillazinsuits 1

Tuesday 31 January 2012 23:48

What does fellate even mean? -__-

Levvy 22

Wednesday 1 February 2012 15:40

It means "you need to learn to use a dictionary".

SRabbit 11

Tuesday 31 January 2012 23:54

This made me laugh so hard. While her dirty talking style is odd I'm really surprised it was enough to lose your boner...

bubo_fml 10

Wednesday 1 February 2012 0:32

2 words...Hoe...Moe...!

teamsleep2212 0

Wednesday 1 February 2012 1:09

"getting intimate with my girlfriend"... Just say you were ******* your girlfriend you pussy

jmashini 13

Wednesday 1 February 2012 2:21

Lmfao

Keywords

Awkward Love Friends Miscellaneous Cute Haircut Relatable Cars You're fired Work Kids Parenting Family DIY Cats Am I overreacting? Intimacy Sex Management Poopoo peepee Capitalism Coworkers Frustration Animals ADHD Dogs Transportation Dating Health Anxiety

The Top

Today, my girlfriend reached into my pocket to get my keys so she could get something out of my car. When she yanked them out, the condom that we'd just used flew up into the air and landed on the floor in front of her entire family. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 885

You deserved it 61 102

Today, my girlfriend was on top in reverse cowgirl. After she orgasmed, all I heard was, "Oh fuck" and she clenched her butt to try stop, but it was too late, she shot diarrhoea up my stomach, chest and neck. The only reason I didn’t get any in my mouth was because it all got caught in my beard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 070

You deserved it 410

The Top

Today, I found out that my birth date was entered incorrectly, and I’ve been believing that I am a year older than I really am. I’m actually 14, not 15. How did this happen? Both my parents and the doctor got the year of my birth wrong. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 411

You deserved it 264

Today, my book bag was so heavy that it set off my car's passenger detection system in the front seat. I had to buckle in my textbooks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 319

You deserved it 3 828

Today, I went to an amusement park with my ex in the hopes of re-kindling our relationship. While taking a break at the petting zoo, I got rammed in the balls by a goat. She laughed and patted the goat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 741

You deserved it 6 445

Today, my boyfriend gave me a dutch oven, with my own fart. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 895

You deserved it 40 164

Today, my parents, who are divorced, were arguing over who has to pay for my bus pass. They decided they wouldn't pay unless the other one did too. Neither will pay the £60 it'll cost for my bus pass. I now have to walk to school every day, in freezing winter weather. It's 9 miles. Each way. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 441

You deserved it 4 114

Today, my teenage daughter faked a suicide because I bought her a Samsung instead of an iPhone for her birthday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 775

You deserved it 13 361

Smooth talker

Same thing different taste

Miscommunication

Booming

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