Intimacy: Today, after spending the night hanging out with a beautiful...

By Hallllo - 11/05/2009 05:12 - United States

Today, after spending the night hanging out with a beautiful girl we start to walk back to my place. Halfway there she turns and says, "I wish you were a vampire" and goes back home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 100 303

You deserved it 9 101

Winter: Snow and Funny News
Snuggle up and laugh with our winter stories, where snow isn't the only thing sliding around! More…

Previous FML Next FML

Same thing different taste

By Anonymous - 19/12/2009 05:13 - United States

Today, I met a girl at the bar. Things were going really well and we ended up going back to her place. Problem? Her husband who normally works the graveyard shift was home sick. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 876

You deserved it 11 718

By scatter00x - 08/02/2009 05:39 - United States

Today, I woke up around 5am from a party I had last night, still quite drunk. This chick was lying next to me from the night before. I kissed her, and about a minute and a half into some heavy making out, she opened her eyes and said, "Oh, it's you." Then got up and walked out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 094

You deserved it 7 095

By heartbroke - 03/11/2012 10:02 - United States - Erie

Today, my girlfriend did the walk of shame in a skimpy Halloween costume after a night of drunken sex. Problem? The walk ended at my doorstep, and the sex was with a stranger. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 581

You deserved it 3 485

By Jebus - 24/01/2009 16:07 - Canada

Today, I brought a girl home from the bar. After sleeping together, she drunkenly stumbles to the bathroom to wash up. On her way back, she accidentally walks into my parents' room, turns on the lights and asks where her clothes are before figuring it out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 117

You deserved it 34 789

Mixed signals

By Anonymous - 13/07/2020 20:02

Today, I had the girl of my dreams in my bed. She was laughing and smiling, kissing and talking. It was great. Then suddenly she said, "I want to go home; is that rude?" Then she left. I called, but now I'm blocked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 633

You deserved it 309

Ostentatious

By dgordo3 - 09/02/2009 01:01 - United States

Today, on my way home from watching a movie with a girl, I began having an erection because I thought I could kiss her goodnight. She dropped me off at home, and with my full blown erection, I walked in front of her car with the headlights on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 425

You deserved it 46 479

By depressed - 22/02/2010 07:23 - United States

Today, a girl I have been wanting for years told me she was drunk and needed me to take her home. On the way home she was very frisky and flirty, and I kept telling her to wait till we got to her place. When we finally arrived, she passed out on me and I was stuck there watching her sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 823

You deserved it 26 498

By Clader - 10/12/2008 03:09 - France

Today, it's 2:23 in the morning, and my drunken girlfriend has just rung me up from a party where she's the only girl there. She seems to be having a great time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 620

You deserved it 2 889

By jibberish - 22/11/2009 00:15 - United States

Today, I woke up after drunkenly hooking up with a girl who was really into Twilight. I felt bruises on the lower end of my neck and so I went to the mirror and checked it out. She bit me, 5 times. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 693

You deserved it 39 006

By sister sister - 25/11/2013 17:38 - United States - Rhinebeck

Today, after having some drinks at the club, I went home with this awesome girl. When I woke up, I thought the house looked really familiar. It belonged to my ex's younger sister. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 879

You deserved it 19 343

Luckster 0

Monday 11 May 2009 12:12

Sounds like another retarded Twilight fan. Find someone who doesn't dwell on the fantasy world.

Millybug 0

Monday 11 May 2009 12:14

And Twilight screws over another poor guy. Ok-- I am a Twilight fan, they are wretchedly cheesy teen romance novels, but still I am a fan. On that note; Twilighters, those stupid, obsessive, moronic little fangirls who want every guy to be like Edward should be shot in the face. Sorry dude, that really blows.

Comments

marcusaurelius 0

Friday 15 May 2009 1:24

**** YOU EDWARD CULLEN!

marcusaurelius 0

Friday 15 May 2009 1:27

seriously you should have been like, "Jokes on you, I really am one" and bit the shit out of her neck...

chewyy_fml 0

Friday 15 May 2009 4:35

that bitch has been watching Twilight too often.

MCofpwnage 0

Friday 15 May 2009 4:35

twilights had a real representation of vampires so shut the hell up critics, even though the books itself sucks. But it sounds like she's a real ass. If you really wanna keep than show her the twilight version of "**** in my pants" and tell her that's how you feel about her. lol

lifeislife_fml 0

Friday 15 May 2009 6:06

Twilight, if this is about Twilight, is probably the most ******* retarded book I've ever read.

lifeislife_fml 0

Friday 15 May 2009 6:08

#470: "Twilighters don't want cold hard facts thrown in their faces. They want sparkly fangs thrown in their necks." Genius.

fcked 0

Friday 15 May 2009 8:10

suck her blood. haha. what a werido

Silas_fml 0

Friday 15 May 2009 14:48

#478 - Thank you, thank you, I'll be here for the rest of eternity. Because that's how long this goddamn craze is going to last. Although, I do believe we must throw a bit of this acknowledgment of genius on to #474. What say you? Also, I believe we must shine the 'complete ******* retard' light onto #476. Real representation of Vampires? Must I say more?

padfoot_fml 0

Friday 15 May 2009 15:20

just another reason to hate twilight, the first being that it stole Harry Potter's thunder

ohitsali 0

Friday 15 May 2009 19:36

dude, she's obviously psychotic if she's going to leave a REAL and perfectly decent guy because she's too fixated on "Edward". good riddance, if you ask me. but still, FYL, indeed.