Intimacy: Today, I found out that using a certain hand sanitizer as masturbation...

By JJMan217 - 29/03/2011 06:28 - Canada

Today, I found out that using a certain hand sanitizer as masturbation lube will put you in the hospital and result in having to wear an adult diaper for a week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 325

You deserved it 76 954

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Same thing different taste

By MIND BLOWING - 20/10/2012 13:57 - Canada - Toronto

Today, after waking up from a drunken night, I realized the burning sensation I had from the lube during sex was because I used hand sanitizer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 250

You deserved it 39 772

By tingles - 19/01/2013 13:20 - United Kingdom - Solihull

Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, he reached out onto my dressing table to grab the lube. He missed, and found the hand sanitizer instead. I'm not sure who is in more pain. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 028

You deserved it 8 060

Play Stupid Games, Win Stupid Prizes

By Anonymous - 09/02/2017 15:00 - United States - Stevenson Ranch

Today, after pranking my roommate several times by putting lube in his hand sanitizer bottle, he got me back by putting sanitizer in my lube. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 777

You deserved it 12 064

By kentrm - 11/05/2016 02:12 - United States - Atlanta

Today, I was sitting down in the hallway at school. As I tried to get up, I lost my balance and fell against a hand sanitizer dispenser. It then continued to squirt sanitizer all over the back of my shirt, drenching the whole left side. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 021

You deserved it 1 462

By manda - 16/02/2009 23:36 - United States

Today, I had to call my mom and tell her about the insurance claim that is going to be coming through in the next couple of weeks. I spent the night in the hospital. I'm allergic to lube. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 339

You deserved it 7 805

Tanned

By caughtorangehanded - 01/10/2010 22:12 - United States

Today, I found out my older brother put tanning lotion in the lotion I use to masturbate with. Now I have orange palms and an orange penis which won't go away for weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 918

You deserved it 46 336

Mah bawsac

By Anonymous - 12/07/2014 20:19 - United States - Indianapolis

Today, I accidentally twisted my balls in my own underwear so badly that I had to be hospitalized. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 021

You deserved it 8 045

By Colton - 20/12/2011 02:29 - United States

Today, I grabbed some lotion to have a good old wank. However, I'd got it a bit wrong in my rush to spurt my man-mush into an old gym sock, and had picked up some concentrated bronzer. I now have neon-orange hands and genitals. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 977

You deserved it 50 592

Big brained

By TiredTeacher95 - 22/01/2022 19:59

Today, I had to call poison control on one of my students, because they decided to drink a half a bottle of hand sanitizer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 201

You deserved it 100

By Metime - 05/11/2009 04:17 - United States

Today, I ran out of my usual hand lotion that I use for 'me time'. I instead decided to try and us my after shave lotion as a replacement. Apparently, my member doesn't agree with one of the ingredients, and has now swollen to the size of my fist. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 677

You deserved it 33 481

beeship321 5

Tuesday 29 March 2011 16:57

wow that was a smart move. Do you brush your teeth with toilet cleaner?

deputy_g 5

Tuesday 29 March 2011 17:02

only time to do that is when you don't know where your penis has been..not for recreational use

Comments

SocHer23 6

Wednesday 28 September 2011 23:57

Why the hell would you even think of using sanitizer as a lube?

taureanbeauty293 0

Friday 30 September 2011 5:48

Wow great idea...a substance with a higher alcohol content than most drinks. Try hydrogen peroxide next. Ooooh! Or pure acetone. Lol, but..... YDI!!!

djskidd 9

Wednesday 7 December 2011 23:01

Youch. Soap just makes it hurt like a bitch to urinate (or so I hear)

jbuckets_404 38

Tuesday 19 July 2016 18:44

Ivory bar soap's never bothered me....

VoteForTaco 8

Friday 16 December 2011 13:35

It's ok we all wear adult diapers sometimes..right?

RamenForTheWin 10

Wednesday 11 January 2012 1:17

OP, I just have one thing to ask. What the ****?

im_smart 0

Wednesday 20 June 2012 9:30

What brand was it? Saving my self a hospidle visit

cassidy0922 6

Thursday 28 June 2012 1:49

You're a dumbass. Did you not know that that shit has alcohol in it? Wow...

hiphopchick7 1

Monday 9 July 2012 23:42

lol at #1!! xD

bigturd113 3

Tuesday 27 November 2012 1:37

two things... what brand was it and now u get to shit where you like and piss as you feel

unlifeoftheparty 10

Wednesday 6 February 2013 10:10

hopefully it sterilized you because we seriously don't need that kind of stupid breeding.

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The Top

Today, I attended a cooking class with my co-workers. As the chef prepared to cut up a load of onions for his dish, he warned us to be ready for the "typical reactions". Everyone teared up. Meanwhile, I popped a boner. So much for typical. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 318

You deserved it 9 464

Today, my brother and sister-in-law come over ONLY to use up the resources at our house - like food, TV subscriptions, and other items. They claim to love my kids and come over for them. If only they would look up from their phone and spend actual time with the kids. Is there a way to block toxic relatives? FML

I agree, your life sucks 365

You deserved it 96

The Top

Today, my son climbed into our bed because he'd had a nightmare. He and my wife spent hours whispering and giggling like they were at a slumber party. Cute, until the next morning, when they were both tired, grumpy, and uncooperative. FML

I agree, your life sucks 440

You deserved it 89

Today, I woke to find my laptop and printer covered in what smells like pee. My boyfriend then confessed to me that he occasionally "sleep-pees". It's like sleepwalking, but where he urinates on random objects. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 925

You deserved it 2 872

Today, I asked a woman to take a picture of me and my girlfriend kissing on the beach. When I looked up, the woman and my phone were gone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 124

You deserved it 3 007

Today, my very quiet and sexually innocent boyfriend said, "I want to be inside you." I was so startled that all I could reply was, "Oh, thanks." FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 731

You deserved it 1 473

Today, my mother walked in on me rubbing $400 in $20 bills all over myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 298

You deserved it 64 730

Today, I learned it is in fact possible to give birth despite having had no symptoms of pregnancy, including no weight gain. Our daughter made a surprise appearance this morning at 6 lbs exactly, and we are in no way ready. We don’t even have clothes for her. My husband is acting like he’s been concussed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 845

You deserved it 355