Health: Today, I had to call the doctor regarding my penis. Not because...

By unsuckable - 28/08/2015 06:13 - United States - Denver

Today, I had to call the doctor regarding my penis. Not because of erectile dysfunction or an erection lasting more than four hours, but because of the multiple fire ant bites I woke up to after falling asleep in my backyard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 899

You deserved it 4 171

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Same thing different taste

Bailed out

By Why's it so cold in here? - 01/02/2015 18:13 - United States

Today, after getting home from being in the field for a week, my wife who's a nurse, convinced me I had a spider bite on my penis. After rushing to the ER and standing nude in a cold exam room while the ER staff checked me out, I learned it's just an ingrown hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 828

You deserved it 2 980

By hjgjh - 27/04/2009 06:14 - United States

Today, an ant bit my penis. That was the first 'mouth' to ever touch it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 97 595

You deserved it 23 398

Sneaky

By Anonymous - 07/10/2019 14:00

Today, after losing a battle with ants in my apartment, I just pulled one off that was biting me in the vagina. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 913

You deserved it 212

By julian1 - 19/08/2015 11:34 - United States - Orlando

Today, I decided to sunbathe in my backyard in an attempt to be healthy. The result? Insect bites over my body. Somehow, despite being fully clothed the entire time, my scrotum also received several bites. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 065

You deserved it 10 558

By Firepants - 28/08/2010 16:04 - Canada

Today, I woke up with a burning sensation on my butt. Remembering that yesterday I was bit by a fire ant, I decided to reinspect the bite. I found ten more which itch and burn. My parents' new nickname for me is "Firebutt". FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 501

You deserved it 4 120

Nature finds a way

By Anonymous - 13/04/2023 18:00 - United Kingdom - Brighton

Today, I decided to take a nap in the park. I found a nice shady spot and closed my eyes. When I woke up, I realized I had fallen asleep on an ant hill. My entire body was riddled with ants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 673

You deserved it 457

Ouch!

By Anonymous - 23/03/2024 06:00 - United States

Today, I took a piss while doing yard work. Later, to my horror, I discovered that I had touched poison oak at some point. My penis is now blistered and swollen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 422

You deserved it 319

By willkftw - 14/04/2019 16:00

Today, despite putting all the food in the fridge, taking all the rubbish outside, cleaning the house top to bottom and setting up bait, we're still dealing with a bloody huge ant problem. I've now got a rash all over from being bitten while I sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 964

You deserved it 154

Freak Scene

By antsgomarching - 06/10/2020 17:01

Today, I was sleeping in my bed when I felt an itch on my arm. Then another. Then another. I finally looked to see what was going on, only to find a bunch of ants crawling in my bed. They were somehow getting in through the closed window. Guess I’m done sleeping tonight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 298

You deserved it 123

By santasadiekins - 17/08/2011 17:25 - United States

Today, I was camping out under the stars on my trampoline. I was just about asleep when I felt a tickle on my arm. Figuring it was an ant, I brushed it off. The rest of the red ants crawling up my arm didn't like that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 710

You deserved it 4 864

howard007 18

Friday 28 August 2015 20:37

Whole new meaning to fire crotch, ouch

MagnusDeus 24

Friday 28 August 2015 20:31

Gives a whole new meaning to pissing fire. Sorry OP

Comments

sporty061200r 8

Friday 28 August 2015 21:01

Throw a condom on it and give your girl a good time

laden_swallow09 34

Saturday 29 August 2015 15:42

More than one way to scratch that itch, I guess...

samlovesham1234 9

Friday 28 August 2015 21:17

I wonder if there's any good creams you can put in a condom to relieve things down there......

Misha93 15

Friday 28 August 2015 21:36

Did you also happen to be sun-tanning in your back yard?

Manic1 13

Friday 28 August 2015 21:40

Ouch! I hope you feel better soon OP.

False_Stupidity 41

Friday 28 August 2015 22:46

Probably not the recommended method, but possibly effective...

worldclassrager 39

Friday 28 August 2015 22:51

Great balls of fire! What's the treatment?

Silk_Routes 14

Friday 28 August 2015 23:06

Ask the doc to fight for pain only..u may keep the swelling ;-)

dirty_dan_ 15

Friday 28 August 2015 23:28

That would be horrible. Sorry man

Misfitsfitin 23

Friday 28 August 2015 23:37

I assume it's to early to start singing this girl is on fire

nela25 23

Saturday 29 August 2015 0:39

I just noticed OP's username hahaha. Hope it's better soon, man!

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The Top

Today, my brother's girlfriend came over to visit and we got to talking about books. Thinking she'd be interested, I suggested a few. She responded that she "only reads good literature." The only books I've ever seen her read are Fifty Shades of Gray and the Twilight saga. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 064

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Today, accustomed to dealing with my old car's faulty accelerator, I pressed the pedal way too hard in my new car and crashed into a pillar, totaling the engine, and giving myself a concussion. I could still see the dealership down the street. FML

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The Top

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You deserved it 240

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You deserved it 3 159

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I agree, your life sucks 190

You deserved it 1 585

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You deserved it 185

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I agree, your life sucks 34 104

You deserved it 1 682

Today, I've been single for so long, I got butterflies when I went on a date. A date with a character in Grand Theft Auto. FML

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You deserved it 2 665