Holidays: Today, I returned home from a month long trip overseas to find...

By Anonymous - 17/06/2013 20:07 - United States

Today, I returned home from a month long trip overseas to find that my bird sitter has trained my parrot to whisper, "You're going to die" in a sinister voice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 760

You deserved it 7 001

Thanksgiving: Turkeys and Skids
Family meals that turn absurd, because Thanksgiving is also about laughing at little disasters. More…

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Same thing different taste

By sweetie808 - 28/01/2016 08:39 - United States - Kailua Kona

Today, around 12 a.m., my pet parrot said a sentence I've never heard him say before. Usually this would be exciting, but considering he said, 'I killed the bird', and that one of my two love birds mysteriously died a few days ago, it's safe to say I'm now terrified. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 760

You deserved it 1 786

By weep weep weep - 12/03/2012 03:04 - United States

Today, after months of teaching my parrot to speak, he finally demonstrated his abilities. I accidentally set off my smoke detector, and he's been wailing like a dying banshee ever since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 925

You deserved it 3 850

By Anonymous - 09/06/2016 19:39 - Germany - Munich

Today, I have to look after my best friend's parrot for a few days. One minute out of the room, I came back in to find out that the parrot had taught my three-year-old the word "slut". Now the two won't stop screaming "slut" throughout the whole house. My wife thinks both learned the word from me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 226

You deserved it 1 157

By In urgent need of a new roommate - 26/03/2014 23:44 - United States - West Linn

Today, I woke up at 3:00 am to the sound of a bird screeching. Turns out, my roommate bought a parrot without consulting me first. Even better, my roommate expects me to pay for half of the bird's expenses. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 552

You deserved it 3 366

By Anna - 15/06/2012 09:43 - United States - Buellton

Today, I was driving my parrot home from the vet. As I was driving home, I decided to let her sit on my shoulder. Something scared her, and she started flapping in my face, causing me to crash my car into a tree. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 770

You deserved it 51 776

By Devil's Pigeon - 18/04/2017 14:00

Today, on vacation, I had my first encounter with a macaw parrot, who promptly bit my ear and shat on me while amused tourists laughed and took pictures. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 248

You deserved it 413

Impressive

By Anonymous - 19/03/2009 02:57 - United States

Today, I met my boyfriend's parents for the first time. In his front room was a giant parrot. Hoping to impress them, I went over to the bird and began talking to it proving I wasn't scared. Out of nowhere, it's beak clenched onto my nose making it gush blood on the carpet. I was hospitalized. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 431

You deserved it 19 344

Enjoy the sirens

By Anonymous - 17/03/2023 04:00

Today, my parrot learned how to imitate my baby's crying. Now, every time the baby cries, the parrot joins in, and it sounds like a chorus of screaming. FML

I agree, your life sucks 863

You deserved it 195

What did you say?

By What? - 22/01/2013 19:00 - Australia

Today, I found out my ten year-old brother and his best friend have taught our new parrot to say, "Shut up, bitch." We have a bunch of our extended family coming over tomorrow to see what the parrot can say. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 658

You deserved it 4 110

Just do it

By tulisa - 21/02/2015 04:25 - United States - Alexandria

Today, I witnessed the beautiful sight of a tiny baby bird struggling to take flight from its nest. "You can do it," I muttered, which I guess my asswipe of a cat heard as "Quick, go kill that bird and scar me for life, please." FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 371

You deserved it 4 464

TheDrifter 23

Tuesday 18 June 2013 0:11

That is just awesome. Don't tell people before they stay over, trust me, it'll be great.

wootwootimahoot 10

Tuesday 18 June 2013 0:11

The sitter should have taught it to say "Help! I'm trapped in a parrot's body!"

Comments

Snooyroxmyworld 5

Tuesday 18 June 2013 10:26

Why would you have a bird sitter?

Raum 19

Tuesday 18 June 2013 18:23

Because they were overseas for a month and needed to make sure someone fed and cared for the parrot?

Dusksoul2001 13

Tuesday 18 June 2013 23:24

So the bird wouldn't starve or dehydrate over the month OP was gone?

thatisfuckedup 6

Thursday 20 June 2013 0:40

Because, dear sir, this particular species of bird does not manufacture its own nutritional sustenance.

IsRaeliPrinCess 8

Tuesday 18 June 2013 12:53

I'm a highly trained bird assassin.... if you want I can get rid of him for you...

SiegeOfTheSiren 9

Tuesday 18 June 2013 15:10

I'm clutching at my sides right now. I can imagine this parrot: Its wings wrapped around its body in a tiny straight-jacket, in a white-padded room, giving people this psycho-filled glare. Hahahaha.

thatisfuckedup 6

Thursday 20 June 2013 0:37

And you sir, have given me nightmares.

FML191919 3

Tuesday 18 June 2013 16:06

thats hilarious

Obey_StudBoii 23

Tuesday 18 June 2013 19:55

Bad bad birdy.

sugarbaby9908 20

Wednesday 19 June 2013 17:54

What's wrong with that??

roro_superloser 13

Wednesday 19 June 2013 20:26

That's some skills right there, u should invite everyone u know over & tell them ur parents a fortune teller :-)

thatisfuckedup 6

Thursday 20 June 2013 0:43

Oh hey, look on the bright side. If a burglar enters the house, in the dark, with nothing but night silence, and hears that bird, they will shit all over your floor and run. Said shit can then be analysed and the burglar tracked and arrested.