Holidays: Today, I returned home from a month long trip overseas to find...

By Anonymous - 17/06/2013 20:07 - United States

Today, I returned home from a month long trip overseas to find that my bird sitter has trained my parrot to whisper, "You're going to die" in a sinister voice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 762

You deserved it 7 002

Valentine's Day: Love and Maladresse
Discover romantic anecdotes with a touch of awkwardness - because nothing expresses love better than a little discomfort! More…

Previous FML Next FML

Same thing different taste

By sweetie808 - 28/01/2016 08:39 - United States - Kailua Kona

Today, around 12 a.m., my pet parrot said a sentence I've never heard him say before. Usually this would be exciting, but considering he said, 'I killed the bird', and that one of my two love birds mysteriously died a few days ago, it's safe to say I'm now terrified. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 762

You deserved it 1 789

By weep weep weep - 12/03/2012 03:04 - United States

Today, after months of teaching my parrot to speak, he finally demonstrated his abilities. I accidentally set off my smoke detector, and he's been wailing like a dying banshee ever since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 929

You deserved it 3 851

By Anonymous - 09/06/2016 19:39 - Germany - Munich

Today, I have to look after my best friend's parrot for a few days. One minute out of the room, I came back in to find out that the parrot had taught my three-year-old the word "slut". Now the two won't stop screaming "slut" throughout the whole house. My wife thinks both learned the word from me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 231

You deserved it 1 157

By In urgent need of a new roommate - 26/03/2014 23:44 - United States - West Linn

Today, I woke up at 3:00 am to the sound of a bird screeching. Turns out, my roommate bought a parrot without consulting me first. Even better, my roommate expects me to pay for half of the bird's expenses. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 556

You deserved it 3 367

By Anna - 15/06/2012 09:43 - United States - Buellton

Today, I was driving my parrot home from the vet. As I was driving home, I decided to let her sit on my shoulder. Something scared her, and she started flapping in my face, causing me to crash my car into a tree. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 771

You deserved it 51 781

By Devil's Pigeon - 18/04/2017 14:00

Today, on vacation, I had my first encounter with a macaw parrot, who promptly bit my ear and shat on me while amused tourists laughed and took pictures. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 252

You deserved it 415

Impressive

By Anonymous - 19/03/2009 02:57 - United States

Today, I met my boyfriend's parents for the first time. In his front room was a giant parrot. Hoping to impress them, I went over to the bird and began talking to it proving I wasn't scared. Out of nowhere, it's beak clenched onto my nose making it gush blood on the carpet. I was hospitalized. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 437

You deserved it 19 349

Enjoy the sirens

By Anonymous - 17/03/2023 04:00

Today, my parrot learned how to imitate my baby's crying. Now, every time the baby cries, the parrot joins in, and it sounds like a chorus of screaming. FML

I agree, your life sucks 865

You deserved it 198

What did you say?

By What? - 22/01/2013 19:00 - Australia

Today, I found out my ten year-old brother and his best friend have taught our new parrot to say, "Shut up, bitch." We have a bunch of our extended family coming over tomorrow to see what the parrot can say. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 660

You deserved it 4 110

Just do it

By tulisa - 21/02/2015 04:25 - United States - Alexandria

Today, I witnessed the beautiful sight of a tiny baby bird struggling to take flight from its nest. "You can do it," I muttered, which I guess my asswipe of a cat heard as "Quick, go kill that bird and scar me for life, please." FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 372

You deserved it 4 466

TheDrifter 23

Tuesday 18 June 2013 0:11

That is just awesome. Don't tell people before they stay over, trust me, it'll be great.

wootwootimahoot 10

Tuesday 18 June 2013 0:11

The sitter should have taught it to say "Help! I'm trapped in a parrot's body!"

Comments

onorexveritas 23

Tuesday 18 June 2013 8:06

killer bird

hope4life 9

Tuesday 18 June 2013 8:06

I'm so sorry. Just don't let it get to you, your home safe now!

legendxs 20

Tuesday 18 June 2013 8:08

lololo Now that's a pirate parrot!

Druu 53

Tuesday 18 June 2013 8:12

Polly wanna take her ass to court?

davincidasecond 24

Tuesday 18 June 2013 8:17

I wouldn't keep anyone over my house for the night if I were you.

xblaine 17

Tuesday 18 June 2013 8:24

Make sure your sitter didn't also train it to stab you! Before its to late.

HAY_JAY2013 12

Tuesday 18 June 2013 8:35

Lol thats to funny but it would get annoying

outoftown 26

Tuesday 18 June 2013 8:36

Luckily, you have an amazingly good chance to sell your parrot, given the interest shown here.

krnthuy 6

Tuesday 18 June 2013 9:06

thats awesome

Carondimonio 2

Tuesday 18 June 2013 9:34

Barbecue it. Problem solved.

Keywords

Love Embarrassing Awkward Vegan Health Alcohol Singing Work Annoying Miscellaneous Sports Accident Healthy Lifestyle Sex Intimacy Kids Money Gifts Addiction Coworkers Racism Sexism Bodyshaming Parenting Poopoo peepee Cute Weddings Erratas Ironic Neighbours

The Top

Today, while in a hotel, I left the room to get some ice. Since my parents left the door wedged open, I didn't worry about trying to find the room number. Without thinking, I walked in to another room that was also wedged open. Yes, there were people in it, and yes, they were both naked and hairy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 968

You deserved it 9 208

Today, I had a seizure while at the airport, ready to go on vacation with my family. We ended up missing our flight. My mom spent most of the ride home making cracks about how I'm always ruining things with my "dramatics". Sorry that I have epilepsy, mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 764

You deserved it 3 558

The Top

Today, the horn in my car decided to malfunction. It honked continuously for an hour as I drove down the highway. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 423

You deserved it 3 004

Today, I was written up at work for "leering at my boss". I'm so sorry for having my eyes sore due to lack of sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 795

You deserved it 131

Today, I had to clean cum from one of the seats of the movie theater where I work at as a cleaner. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 396

You deserved it 119

Today, I was going to have sex, so I went to my basement to get my builder bear that I had stuffed my condoms in. The bear was gone. My dad gave it to charity. 5ML

I agree, your life sucks 52 263

You deserved it 19 010

Today, thanks to pregnancy hormones, I had the most vivid dream of eating a caramel apple mousse cake with vanilla bean ice cream. Unfortunately, yesterday, also thanks to pregnancy hormones, I was diagnosed with diabetes. My dreams are taunting me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 938

You deserved it 268

Today, I had a half-hour conversation with my parents about going to college. I don't know what's worse, that they were trying to talk me out of it or that they're convinced that I'm going to get knocked up and drop out by the end of my freshman year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 005

You deserved it 3 420