Animals: Today, I was taking a poop when I heard a window in my house... - FML

By Alaska - 29/10/2015 03:35 - United States

Today, I was taking a poop when I heard a window in my house break. Then, I heard things dropping upstairs. I decided to stay in the bathroom, which has a lock, and called the cops. Turns out it was just a bird that was trying to get at my fish in the fish tank that I have in my room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 877

You deserved it 2 521

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Same thing different taste

By Sarah1330 - 25/02/2015 04:33 - United States

Today, while trying to sleep, I heard what sounded like someone breaking into my house. I ran downstairs, only to find my cat had ripped down my blinds and was tangled up in them, thrashing around the floor like a fish. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 408

You deserved it 3 346

Crime scene

By xTRYSOFTx - 07/03/2020 03:00 - United States

Today, I called the police because I thought a burglar had broken into our house. I found out the strange noise was just my dog fucking about, so I smashed a small window and kicked down a door so I wouldn't be embarrassed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 490

You deserved it 2 191

By Olive14 - 15/12/2010 06:15

Today, I was caring for a bird that had flown into my window. I thought the poor thing wouldn't make it, when it shit in my hand, flew into my neck, then around my living room for ages before I could manage to get it out of the window. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 087

You deserved it 7 345

By Anonymous - 18/12/2015 11:40 - United States - Santa Cruz

Today, I woke up to noises from downstairs. I practically pissed my pants and called the cops. Turned out it was just my cat being a dickhead in the living room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 734

You deserved it 5 813

By Sassers - 03/12/2009 21:08 - United States

Today, I heard a loud crashing noise. I ran into the kitchen to see what it was. My cat had knocked over my fish bowl and had my Beta in her mouth. After scolding her and rescuing it, I decided to clean its bowl. When I went to dump some of the water in the sink, my fish went down the drain. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 853

You deserved it 35 020

Ratatouille

By Anonymous - 16/10/2020 08:02

Today, after my house almost got broken into last week, when I heard some noises in the kitchen I went to investigate. I saw a huge rat run across my floor, and nearly peed myself thinking it was an intruder. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 003

You deserved it 172

Suspicious minds

By abusedparrot - 24/08/2014 12:40 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, the police knocked on my door, saying that they needed to investigate my house for animal abuse. Apparently the neighbours called, reporting a "screeching bird in pain". I have no bird, but I have been singing quite loudly recently. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 258

You deserved it 6 137

By Anonymous - 05/08/2010 20:30 - United States

Today, I woke up to the sound of something hitting my bedroom wall outside. I could see my boyfriend's car from the window, so I assumed he was throwing pebbles to get my attention. I opened the window and an egg flew in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 550

You deserved it 4 552

By Anonymous - 20/10/2009 10:56 - Australia

Today, my house got robbed, while I was upstairs taking a dump. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 227

You deserved it 6 134

By Matti - 17/08/2018 22:00

Today, as I sat on the toilet, I heard a noise outside. I peered through the window and found myself staring directly at my neighbor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 193

You deserved it 241

Next

Top comments

MrsPegg 45

Thursday 29 October 2015 16:33

So a bird busted through a glass door/window to go after your fish? That's one helluva determined (and sturdy) bird! What did the cops say?

mds9986 24

Thursday 29 October 2015 16:34

At least you played it safe when you heard some fishy sounds in your house.

Comments

Mr_Swazi 11

Wednesday 2 December 2015 18:14

Did the fish live???

Keywords

Poopoo peepee Love Embarrassing Miscellaneous Christmas Romantic Break-ups Annoying Money Gross Argument Ironic Awkward Friends Haircut Cute Lonely Holidays Relatable Work Bosses Capitalism Cars You're fired Covid Health Jealousy Cheating Kids Parenting

The Top

Today, my girlfriend was on top in reverse cowgirl. After she orgasmed, all I heard was, "Oh fuck" and she clenched her butt to try stop, but it was too late, she shot diarrhoea up my stomach, chest and neck. The only reason I didn’t get any in my mouth was because it all got caught in my beard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 079

You deserved it 410

Today, my son is so naive that he didn’t notice that a company he interviewed for basically used him as free labour during a 3 day “skills assessment period”, after which he didn’t even get the job. Even after I explained to him they'd used him for 3 days free grunt work, he still didn’t understand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 422

You deserved it 117

The Top

Today, at an important statewide band performance, my mom stayed in her seat, silent, while everyone else gave a standing ovation. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 545

You deserved it 2 770

Today, I paid a surprise visit to my parents, after having moved out for university last year. My room had been stripped bare and all the family photos featuring me were missing from the wall. When I asked why, my mom asked me in return why I was asking stupid questions. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 763

You deserved it 2 251

Today, I was offered a job that pays almost double what I'm currently making. I just found out that it requires me to relocate to Florida. I'm forced to turn it down to protect my young trans daughter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 124

You deserved it 1 140

Today, I met with an important client to talk about his stake in the company. The guy was at least 80 years old. After taking care of business, we spoke about my final year at the company. As he got up to leave he said, "Good luck in your final year." Without thinking, I replied, "You too!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 360

You deserved it 15 329

Today, I was working out with the guy I like when he spilled his water bottle. I went to clean up the spill, bashed my face into the weight bar, which broke my nose. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 147

You deserved it 1 429

Today, after a year of living with my girlfriend, I came to the conclusion that I'm never going to marry her. I packed my things, wished her well in her life, and loaded everything up into my car. It's been working fine up until this afternoon. Now it won't start. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 820

You deserved it 784