Six hours? Six hours. What the ****. Why are you such a pussy?

I have seen this one so many times

YDI Dont skip school. LOL

That is so awful! :p

Bejasus, calm down! It's not like she missed an exam! Skipping school is no biggie (at least here in the UK...) Hell OP, the people that are telling her off are probably just envious - they wish they still had something worth skiving work for ;)

What if he was only kidding and got you to stay in the closet for 6 hours. That would be funny.

lol. totally had to do that before, minus the book club part.

wow...

"FERRIS BUELLER'S DAY OFF" by John Hughes This script is not for publication or reproduction. No one is authorized to dispose of same. It lost or destroyed, please notify Script Department. Property of: PARAMOUNT PICTURES CORPORATION SHOOTING SCRIPT 5555 Melrose Avenue July 24, 1985 Los Angeles, California 90038 Copyright 1985 Paramount Pictures Corporation "FERRIS BUELLER'S DAY OFF" 1 BLACK SCREEN 1 MAIN TITLES IT'S SILENT. A BEAT...AND AN EXPLOSION OF SOUND. A HOUSEHOLD IN THE MORNING. KIDS GETTING READY FOR SCHOOL. CLOCK RADIOS. KITCHEN APPLIANCES. SHOWERS. FIGHTING. PEOPLE YELLING. DOG BARKING. APPLIANCES BUZZING. CAR HORNS. IT SOUNDS JUST LIKE YOUR HOUSE DID. STREAMS OF ROCK'N ROLL FADE IN AND OUT. HUEY LEWIS TO LIONEL RITCHIE TO HUSKER DU. SURROUND MAKES IT FEEL LIKE YOU'RE IN THE ROOM. AN AURAL TOUR OF A HOUSE ON A SCHOOL MORNING. BEGINING IN THE KITCHEN AND MOVING UPSTAIRS. FATHER'S VOICE (TOM) Where's my wallet?! SEVEN YEAR OLD BOY (TODD) YOU IDIOT!! TWELVE YEAR OLD GIRL (KIMBERLY) MOM! TODD SHUT-UP! EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD GIRL (JEANIE) I NEED A TOWEL!! TOM JOYCE! KIMBERLY (whispers, sadistic) When you turn ten, your head's going to swell up real big like a watermelon and we're going to have to put you to sleep like they do with a dog. TODD MOM! TOM JOYCE!! JEANIE WHO PISSED ON THE TOILET SEAT!? MOTHER!! TOM Where's Mom? TODD Is my head going to swell up? TOM What?! JEANIE OH, MY GOD! THE TOILET PAPER'S ALL WET!!! MOTHER (JOYCE) (screams) TOM! The house falls dead SILENT. We hear footsteps thundering through the house. A TENSE STRAIN OF MUSIC FADES UP. TODD What's that? KIMBERLY Wait! Hold still! TODD What?! KIMBERLY You heads starting to swell up!! Todd screams. We hear the sound of Tom's footsteps running through the kitchen, down the hall, up the stairs, up the hallway. A door open. TOM (breathless) What's the matter? JOYCE (worried) It's Ferris! TOM What's wrong? JOYCE (snaps) What's wrong? For Christ's sake! Look at him! 2 CLOSE-UP. FERRIS 2 An eighteen year-old boy. He's staring lifelessly at CAMERA. His mouth's open. His eyes are bugged-out. His tongue is fat and dry in his mouth. He's laying in bed, on his side. 3 INT. BOY'S BEDROOM 3 Ferris' parents, TOM and JOYCE BUELLER are standing at bedside. They're in their late forties, early fifties. Handsome, upper-middle class parents. They're both dressed for work. TOM Ferris? JOYCE He doesn't have a fever. But he says his stomach hurts and he's seeing spots. 4 CLOSE-UP. FERRIS 4 His lifeless eyes blink. 5 INT. BEDROOM. PARENTS 5 Tom bends down and touches Ferris' forehead. TOM What's the matter, Ferris? JOYCE Feel his hands. They're cold and clammy. Tom takes one of Ferris' hands. TOM (discreetly) Should you call the doctor? JOYCE (whispers) He doesn't want me to. TOM Why don't you want Mom to call the doctor? Ferris exhales loudly. He tries to speak but all he can manage is a choked gasp. TOM What? Ferris tries again. FERRIS (raspy) Don't make a fuss. I'm fine. I'll get up. He starts to get up. Joyce gently pushes him back down. FERRIS I have a test today. I have to take it. I want to get into a good college so I can have a fruitful life... JOYCE You're not going to school like this. (to Tom) Maybe I should call the office and tell them I won't be in. FERRIS I'm okay, Mom. I feel perfectly...Oh, God! He's gripped by a seizure. His body stiffens and he chokes. His older sister, JEANIE, walks into the room. She's dressed for school. She's cute and stuck-up. A major pill. JEAN Oh, fine. What's this? What's his problem? JOYCE He doesn't feel well. JEAN Yeah, right. Dry that one out and you can fertilize the lawn. TOM That's enough, Jeanie. JEANIE You're not falling for this, are you? Tell me you're not falling for this. FERRIS Is that Jeanie? I can't see that far. Jeanie? JEANIE Pucker up and squat, Ferris. JOYCE (annoyed) Thank you, Jeanie. Get to school. JEANIE (angry, defeated) You're really letting him stay home? I can't believe this. If I was bleeding out my eyes, you guys'd make me go to school. It's so unfair. FERRIS Please don't be upset with me, Jeanie. Be thankful that you're fit and have your health. Cherish it. JEANIE (to herself) Oh, I wanna puke. She glares at Ferris. Her eyes are mascara and vengence. She slips out of the room. Ferris' brother, TODD and sister, KIMBERLY peek into the room. KIMBERLY Myocardial infarction? JOYCE Get your stuff. Daddy'll be right down. KIMBERLY Syphilitic meningitus? That would be a huge family embarrassment. TOM Get downstairs! KIMBERLY If he dies, I got dibs on his stereo. She turns sharply and exits. TODD (worried) Dad? Does my head look alright? JOYCE Get downstairs! Now! TODD Just answer me one question! Is it swelling up? Kim said it was going to get as big as... KIMBERLY (OC) A WATERMELON! TODD (yells out the room) Shut-up! JOYCE Get downstairs! NOW! Todd backs out of the room. FERRIS I'll be okay. I'll just sleep. Maybe I'll have an aspirin around noon. JOYCE (to Ferris) I'm showing houses to the family from California today but I'll be in the area. My office'll know where I am, if you need me. TOM I'll check it with you, too. FERRIS It's nice to know I have such loving, caring parents. You're both very special people. 6 CU. FERRIS 6 He acknowledges Tom with a pathetic flutter of his eyelids. 7 INT. BEDROOM. JOYCE 7 She strokes Ferris' hair. JOYCE I hope you feel better, pumpkin. She leans down and kisses his forehead. Tom pats his shoulder. TOM Get some rest. 8 CU. FERRIS 8 Ferris lets out a wheeze. His glassy eyes follow his parents to the door. JOYCE (OC) We love you, sweetie. TOM (OC) Call if you need us. They close the door. The lock clicks. Ferris' eyes shift from the door to CAMERA. A sly, little smile crawls across his lips. FERRIS They bought it. The MTV theme music ROARS IN. 9 CU. TV SCREEN 9 The TV at the foot of Ferris' bed. The MTV logo is playing. 10 INT. BEDROOM 10 Ferris yanks open the drapes. The pall of the sickroom disappears in the brilliant glow of morning sunlight. FERRIS Incredible! One of the worst performances of my career and they never doubted it for a second. (looks out the window) What a beautiful day! He turns from the window. FERRIS Parents always fall for the clammy hands. It's physical evidence of illness. It's a good, non-specific symptom. Parents are generally pretty hip to the fever scams. And to make them work you have to go a hundred and one, hundred and two. You get a nervous mother and you end up in a doctor's office and that's worse than school. He flips on his stereo and fills the room with the MTV broadcast. A NEW SONG begins. FERRIS Fake a stomach cramp and when you're doubled over, moaning and wailing, just lick your palms. It's a little stupid and childish but then so if high school. Right? He equalizes the sound a little. FERRIS This is my ninth sick day with semester. If I go for ten, I'm probably going to have to barf up a lung. So, I absolutely must make this one count. He exits into the hallway. 11 INT. BATHROOM 11 Ferris walks into the bathroom. It's littered with Jean's debris. He turns on the shower water. FERRIS I don't care if you're fifty five or seven, everybody needs a day off now and then. It's a beautiful day. How can I be expected to handle high school? He bends down OUT OF FRAME as he loses his briefs. He pops up. FERRIS I do actually have a test. That wasn't bullshit. He steps into the shower. Through the pebbled glass of the shower door we see Ferris' outline. FERRIS That I care about it was. 12 INT. BATHROOM. SHOWER STALL. 12 Inside the shower. Ferris' hair is standing straight up. It's moulded into a fin with shampoo. FERRIS It's on European socialism. I mean, really. What's the point? I'm not European. I don't plan to be European. So, who gives a shit if they're socialists? They could be fascist anarchists and it still wouldn't change the fact that I don't own a car. He turns the shower head around and uses it like a microphone. FERRIS (sings) WELL SHAKE IT UP, BABY, TWIST AND SHOUT... 13 INT. HALLWAY. LATER 13 Ferris comes out of the bathroom with a towel wrapped around his waist. He's drying his hair with another of a different color. FERRIS Not that I condone fascism. Or and "isms". "Isms", in my opinion are not good. A person should not believe in an "ism". He should believe in himself. John Lennon said it on his first solo album. "I don't believe in Beatles, I just believe in me." A good point there. Afterall, he was the Walrus. He opens a linen closet and tosses the towel in it. FERRIS I could be the Walrus and I'd still have to bum rides off people. He passes CAMERA and goes into his room. FERRIS (OC) I'm not very political? Let me put that into perspective... 14 INT. BEDROOM 14 Ferris tosses the towel he's dried hair with on the bed. FERRIS My uncle went to Canada to protest the war, right? On the Fourth of July he was down with my aunt and he got drunk and told my Dad he felt guilty he didn't fight in Viet Nam. So I said, "What's the deal, Uncle Jeff? In wartime you want to be a pacifist and in peacetime you want to be a soldier. It took you twenty years to find out you don't believe in anything?" (snaps his fingers) Grounded. Just like that. Two weeks. (pause) Be careful when you deal with old hippies. They can be real touchy. He opens his door. 15 INT. CLOSET 15 The door opens and Ferris rifles through his shirts. FERRIS My mother was a hippie. But she lost it. She got old. If she listens to the White Album now? She doesn't hear music, she hears memories. Nostalgia is her favorite drug. It'll probably be mine, too. I hope not. He finds a shirt he likes. He steps back from the closet and puts it on. He drops the towel. 16 INT. BEDROOM 16 He walks across the room to his dresser. He opens his underwear drawer. There's an old model of a submarine on the top of the dresser. He picks it up. FERRIS In eighth grade a friend of mine made a bong out of one of these. The smoke tasted like glue. He pulls out a pair of underwear. He gets dressed as he speaks. FERRIS His name is Garth Volbeck. He's a serious outsider. Not a bad guy, I like him. I'm probably his only friend. I do what I can for him. I mean, if I was him, I'd appreciate it. Do unto others, right? Anyway, his mother owns a gas station. His father's dead and his sister's rumored to be a prostitute, which is complete bullshit. She only puts out so people will hang out with her. It's sad but I don't hold it against her. Better to hold it against the guys who use her and don't care about her. (pause) My parents never allowed Garth over here. It was because of his family. Mainly his older brother. He's in jail. I could see them not wanting his brother here because he is a registered psycho. I wouldn't want him here. I once watched the guy eat a whole bowl of artificial fruit just so he could see what it was like to have his stomach pumped. But Garth isn't his brother. It isn't his fault that his brother's screwed-up. Alot of fights with the parents on that point. I always felt for Garth. I was sleeping at his house once and I was laying on the dark worrying that his brother was going to come in and hack me to death with an ax and I heard Garth crying. I asked him what was wrong and he said, "Nothing". ... Nothing was wrong. There was no specific thing he was crying about. In fact, he wasn't really even aware that he was crying. He just cried himself to sleep every night. It was a habit. The guy's so conditioned to grief that if he doesn't feel it, he can't sleep. How could you possibly dump on guy who has to deal with that kinda shit? My parents acknowledge the trudge of the situation and I'm sure that deep down, they do feel for him but still the guy's banned from our house. He looks at himself in the mirror on the back of his closet door. He doesn't like what he's wearing. He continues his speech as he disrobes. FERRIS Unfortunately, now my parents have a legit argument. Garth doesn't need his brother to give him a rep anymore. He's getting one on his own. He's lost. It's over for him. He's eighteen. Gone from school. Gone from life. His legacy is a gas station. 17 INT. HOUSE. STAIRCASE 17 Ferris comes down the stairs. He's wearing a completely different outfit. FERRIS One very serious danger is playing sick is that it's possible to believe your own act. 18 INT. KITCHEN 18 Ferris comes into the kitchen and crosses to the refrigerator. FERRIS That and boredom. Alot of people ditch and feel great for about an hour. Then they realize there's nothing to do. TV and food. I myself have ditched and gotten so bored I did homework. Figure that shit out. He takes a sip out of a bottle of orange juice. FERRIS You have to plan things out before you take the day off. Otherwise you get all nervous worrying about what to do and all you get is grief and the whole point is to take it easy, cut loose and enjoy. He crosses to the pantry. FERRIS You blow your day and at about three o'clock, when everybody's out of school, you're going to wish you'd gone to school so you could be out having fun. He emerges from the pantry with a handful of Oreos. FERRIS Avoid the misery. Plan your day. Do it right. 19 INT. FAMILY ROOM 19 Ferris walks in and flops down in an armchair. FERRIS There's alot of pressure at work in my age group. And it's not always recognized. He reaches over and picks up the telephone. He sets it in his lap. FERRIS Some guy whose hair is falling out and his stomach's hanging over his belt and everything he eats makes him fart, he looks at someone like me and thinks, "This kid's young and strong and has a full, rich future ahead of him, what's he got to bitch about?" 20 CU. PHONE 20 He punches out a number. 21 INT. FAMILY ROOM. FERRIS 21 He remote controls the TV on. FERRIS That's just one reason why I need a day off every now and then. 22 EXT. ANOTHER HOUSE 22 A sleek, modern house on a couple of deeply wooded acres. A prime house in a prime location. A telephone rings OVER. 23 INT. BOY'S BEDROOM 23 It's a dark, dreary sick room. Shades drawn, floor strewn with used tissues, nightstand a still-life of over the counter remedies. A high school boy, CAMERON FRYE, is laying in bed. We don't see his face, only a silhouette with a thermometer sticking out his mouth. U2's SUNDAY BLOODY SUNDAY is playing. He's mumbling random words. CAMERON Food...shelter...no...yes... The phone rings. His hand reaches back and hits the speaker phone button. CAMERON (weak) Hello? FERRIS' VOICE Cameron! What's happening? CAMERON Very little. FERRIS' VOICE How do you feel? CAMERON Shredded. FERRIS' VOICE Is your mother in the room? Cameron takes the thermometer out of his mouth. CAMERON She's not home. Where are you? FERRIS' VOICE Home. 24 INT. FERRIS' FAMILY ROOM. FERRIS 24 Ferris is sprawled out in the chair. FERRIS I'm taking the day off. Get dressed and come over. CAMERON'S VOICE I can't. I'm sick. FERRIS It's all in your head. Come on over. 25 INT. CAMERON'S ROOM 25 Cameron's insistant. CAMERON I feel like complete shit, Ferris. I can't go anywhere. FERRIS' VOICE I'm sorry to hear that. Now, come on over and pick me up. Ferris disconnects. Cameron slowly hangs up the phone. CAMERON I'm dying. The phone rings again. Cameron hits the speaker button. FERRIS' VOICE You're not dying. You just can't think of anything good to do. 26 INT. FERRIS' FAMILY ROOM 26 Ferris hangs up. FERRIS If anybody needs a day off, it's Cameron. He has alot of things to sort out before he graduates. He can't be wound this tight and go to college. His roommate'll kill him. I've come close myself. But I like him. He's a little easier to take when you know why he's like he is. The boy cannot relax. Pardon by French but Cameron is so tight that if you stuck a lump of coal up his ass, in two weeks you'd have a diamond. (after-thought) And Cameron would worry that he'd owe taxes on it. 27 INT. SCHOOL. HALLWAY 27 We hear roll call as CAMERA MOVES ACROSS the tile floor. A shoe's POV. TEACHER'S VOICE Albers? BOY'S VOICE Here. TEACHER'S VOICE Anderson. GIRL'S VOICE Here. CAMERA enters a classroom. It travels past a teacher's Hush Puppies and heads up an aisle of desk past dirty yellow Reebocks, rotting Air Jordans, scuffed heels, pristine loafers... TEACHER'S VOICE Anheiser? BOY'S VOICE Here. TEACHER'S VOICE Busch? GIRL'S VOICE Here. TEACHER'S VOICE Bueller? CAMERA reaches the last desk and rises slowly to reveal that it's empty. TEACHER'S VOICE Bueller? GIRL'S VOICE He's sick. (pause) My best friend's sister's boyfriend's brother's girlfriend heard from this guy who knows this kid who's going with a girl who saw Ferris pass-out at 31 Flavors last night. I guess it's pretty serious. TEACHER'S VOICE (weary) Thank you, Simone. GIRL'S VOICE (cheery) No problem whatsoever. TEACHER'S VOICE Drucker? BOY'S VOICE What? WOUND-OUT CAR ENGINES COME UP LOUD. 28 CU. TV 28 THE ROAD WARRIOR is playing on video cassette. The big chase at the end. INT. FAMILY ROOM. FERRIS He's sitting in the arm chair pretending it's Humongous' war wagon. He's wearing a hockey mash. He's steering. He reaches down and grabs an imaginary nitrous oxide valve. CU. TV Humongous reaches down and grabs a real nitrous oxide valve. He gives it a twist. CU. FERRIS He throws himself back against the chair. CU. TV The force of the rapid acceleration of his vehicle throws Humongous back in his seat. CU. FERRIS He bounces himself in the chair to simulate the bumpy high speed ride. CU. TV The was wagon hurtles down the road. CU. FERRIS He rears back in horror. CU. TV The war wagon is heading for a head-on collision with the tanker truck. CU. FERRIS Arms outstretched, head thrown back, braced for collision. CU. TV IMPACT! MOZART COMES UP. 29 CU. FLOWERING TREE BRANCH 29 Outside a bedroom window. A flowering crabtree branch. Petite pink flowers. WE PULL BACK FROM THE WINDOW INTO THE ROOM. It's Jeanie's room. A pink and powder blue pig pen. Clothes everywhere, make-up, books, records. Ferris is sitting on her bed going through a purse. FERRIS This is really degrading. He comes up with a crumpled dollar bill. FERRIS Financing my activities this way. Very damaging to the self-image. But, hey, I'm broke. In times of crisis one must to what one must to. I'll pay it back. With interest. He comes up with a five. FERRIS Regardless of how much shit sisters make you eat, how often they rat on you, how gross they act or how wicked and insensitive they can be, you should not alientate them. Because most likely they have cash and it's usually very easy to get your hands on. He holds up a twenty and snaps it. PINK FLOYD'S "MONEY" COMES UP. 30 INT. LIVING ROOM 30 The song plays as Ferris digs through the sofa cushions. CU. SOFA Ferris extracts a sticky quarter from a crevice. 31 INT. PARENTS' BEDROOM 31 Ferris is going through his father's pants pockets. Another crumpled bill surfaces. 32 CU. WASHING MACHINE TOP 32 A couple of stiff, hard, bleached singles that have gone through the wash lay on top of the washer. A hand scoops them up. 33 CU. LUCITE ENCASED PROOF SET 33 An obvious gift from a grandparent. A U.S. Mint proof set. A ten, a five and a single enclosed in a lucite frame. A screwdriver tip wedges between the two pieces of Lucite and pops them apart. A hand peels the bills off the backing. 34 CU. KITCHEN DRAWER 34 Hands ripping through the kitchen junk drawer. Locating a dollar bill. 35 CU. COIN COLLECTION 35 The familiar blue collector's album. One-by-one, the quarters are being popped out of their slots. 36 CU. VACCUUM CLEANER 36 The dusty, dirty contents of the bag are emptied on the floor. Fingers pick a dime out of a matted wad of filth. 37 CU. SNOOPY BANK 37 It's being shaken furiously. 38 CU. BIRTHDAY CARD 38 It's a child's card. It's slowly opened to reveal a crisp, new five. 39 INT. HALL CLOSET 39 The door opens and Ferris thrusts his hands into the pockets of the coats. He comes up with a ball of Kleenex. A roll of Tums. A squirt gun. Then a modest wad of bills. His face lights up as he counts out the cash. He closes the door. 40 CU. FLOOR AND BED 40 Ferris' face appears between the bed and the floor. His arm reaches out for a small metal bank hidden under the bed. 41 CU. BANK 41 It's on a work bench. An awl is driven in between the door and the jamb. It pries the door open. Inside are trading cards, a charred doll's head, a Zippo lighter and, finally, a five dollar bill. 42 INT. KITCHEN 42 Ferris is on his hands and knees under the kitchen table. 43 CU. TABLE LEG 43 Ferris lifts the leg and removes a quarter that's been used to balance the table. 44 INT. KITCHEN 44 Ferris stands up and pockets the quarter. 45 CU. FERRIS' BED 45 A shower of coins and bills rain down on the sheets. The SONG ENDS. 46 EXT. REAL ESTATE OFFICE. MORNING 46 A suburban realty company. A cute little building in town. 47 INT. OFFICE 47 Joyce is behind a desk. Across from her are two WOMEN. They're also real estate agents. JOYCE No one's going to consider a house with a black living room. Not even those jerks from Vermont. Let's be realistic. AGENT 1 Mrs. Volbeck's dead set against putting any money into the house. Joyce's phone intercom buzzes. She take the call. JOYCE Joyce Bueller. Her eyes open wide with alarm. JOYCE Oh, my God. I'm so sorry. I completely forgot to call. 48 EXT. HIGH SCHOOL 48 A modern, suburban high school. MAN'S VOICE Are you aware that your son is not in school today? 49 INT. SCHOOL. HALLWAY 49 It's a passing period. The hall is clogged with students. JOYCE'S VOICE Yes, I am. Ferris is home sick. I had a meeting first thing this morning. I should have called. It completely slipped my mind. 50 INT. SCHOOL. DEAN'S OUTER OFFICE 50 A SECRETARY is at work at her desk. We hear the dean inside the office. DEAN'S VOICE Are you also aware that Ferris does not have what we consider an exemplary attendance record? 51 INT. DEAN'S OFFICE. CU. DESK SIGN 51 It reads, EDWARD R. ROONEY. DEAD OF STUDENTS. The dean's feet are up on the desk, behind the sign. Moderately priced dress shoes. JOYCE'S VOICE I don't understand. DEAN'S VOICE I just had his file up. INT. OFFICE. CU. DEAN ED ROONEY is sitting behind his desk. He's tough, clean and straight as an I-beam. Short, neatly combed hair, suit and tie. He's toying with a pencil. He's confident to the point of arrogance. ROONEY I just has his file up, Mrs. Bueller. Behind him is a computer terminal. He removes his feet from the desk and turns in his swivel chair. ROONEY If Ferris thinks he coast this last month and still graduate, he's sorely mistaken. JOYCE'S VOICE This is all news to me. CU. COMPUTER MONITOR The monitor on Rooney's desk displays Ferris' records. ROONEY'S VOICE So far this semester alone, he's been absent nine times. Including today. JOYCE'S VOICE Nine times? Under DAYS MISSED we see a number 9 suddenly change to a number 2. INT. OFFICE Rooney turns to the monitor. He reads off the screen. ROONEY I have it right here in front of me. He's missed... He looks closer at the screen. 52 INT. FERRIS' ROOM 52 Ferris is at his Macintosh computer. He has his record up on the screen. FERRIS I wanted a car. I got a computer. How's that for being born under a bad sign? 53 INT. JOYCE'S OFFICE 53 She's still on the phone with Rooney. JOYCE I can give you every assurance that Ferris is home and that he is, in fact, very ill. I debated whether or not I should even leave him. I can appreciate that at this time of year children are prone to taking the day off, but in Ferris' case, he's truly a very sick boy. 54 INT. FERRIS' BEDROOM 54 MUSIC BLASTS. SOLO GUITAR. CU. SPEAKER The grille cloth is throbbing. CU. LED METERS The meters on the amplifier are totally in the danger zone. CU. TV MONITOR We see Ferris in his room with a guitar around his neck. He's playing. CU. VIDEO CAMERA A home video camera is capturing Ferris on tape. 55 INT. CAMERON'S ROOM 55 He's sitting on the edge of the bed buttoning his shirt. He sighs deeply and fall back on the bed. 56 INT. SCHOOL. HALLWAY 56 Jeanie is at her locker during a passing period. A GIRLFRIEND comes up to her. GIRL I'm really sorry about your brother. JEANIE What're you sorry for? I have to live with the trouser snake. GIRL No, I mean I heard he's really sick. JEANIE Who said he's sick. GIRL A whole bunch of people. They said he's like on the verge of death. Jeanie stares incredulously at the girl. GIRL This guy in my biology class said that if Ferris dies he's giving his eyes to Stevie Wonder? He's really sweet isn't he? She smiles and exits. Jeanie cocks her head in bewilderment. She kicks her locker shut. 57 INT. FERRIS' ROOM 57 He's in bed on the phone. FERRIS A sample of my blood was sent to Atlanta to the Center for Disease Control. I don't know, man, I'm bricking heavily. (point to the phone) Freshman. (to the phone) Did you see Alien? When the guy had the creature in his stomach? It feels like that. 58 INT. SCHOOL. HALLWAY 58 A FRESHMAN BOY is on the pay phone. A couple of his BUDDIES are standing at his side waiting anxiously for news. BOY Goddamn! Are you kidding? SECOND BOY What? BOY Did you see Alien? SECOND BOY No. BOY You never rented the video cassette? Second boy shakes his head, no. BOY Oh. He's really wasted. THIRD BOY (to the Second Boy) Who's he talking to? SECOND BOY Ferris Bueller. You know him? THIRD BOY (excited) Yeah. He's getting me out of summer school. BOY Anyway, I appreciate you letting us know how you're doing. We gotta split. (pause) Huh?...Yeah, sure. Hold on. SECOND BOY (to Third Boy) Shit. I hope he doesn't die. I can't handle summer school. The boy snatches a passing GIRL. BOY Did you see Alien? GIRL Yeah, why? He hands her the phone. GIRL Hello? (pause) Who? (pause) Hi, Ferris. How's your bod? (jaw drops) Oh, my God! You're dying? Is it serious? (pause) Shiit! Are you upset? 59 INT. DEAN'S OFFICE 59 Rooney's comparing his computer monitor to hard copy. His SECRETARY is standing over his shoulder. ROONEY I don't trust this kid any further than I can throw him! SECRETARY With your bad knee, you better not throw anybody, Ed. Rooney stares at her for a long beat. ROONEY What's so dangerous about a character like Ferris Bueller is that he gives the good kids bad ideas. The last thing I need at this point in my career is fifteen hundred Ferris Bueller disciples running around these halls. SECRETARY He's very popular, Ed. Sportos, motorheads, geeks, *****, pinheads, dweebies, wonkers, richies, they all adore him. ROONEY That's exactly why I have to catch him this time. To show these kids that the example he sets is a first class ticket to nowhere. SECRETARY (impressed) Ooo. You sounded like Dirty Harry just now. Rooney looks up at her with a proud smile. ROONEY Really? He unconsciously does an Eastwood squint. 60 EXT. FERRIS' HOUSE 60 It's a glorious late spring day. A florist's truck drives past the house. 61 INT. FERRIS' ROOM 61 He's on the telephone. As he speaks he does a little MacPainting on his MacIntosh. A Modigliani nude. FERRIS Cameron, if you're not over here in fifteen minutes, you can find a new best friend. I'm serious, man. This is bullshit, making me wait around the house for you. 62 INT. CAMERON'S BEDROOM 62 Cameron's back in bed. CAMERON I'm sick. I feel like shit. Why can't you leave me alone? FERRIS' VOICE You're not up for some good times? It's a beautiful day. It's almost summer. If this was Hawaii, we'd be surfing. 63 INT. FERRIS' ROOM 63 He's growing weary of Cameron's wimpishness. FERRIS You want to stay home and try to have the *****? Try to barf? Try to feel worse? CAMERON'S VOICE I don't have to try. FERRIS Be a man. Take some Pepto Bismol and get dressed. You're boring me with this stuff. The other phone line rings. FERRIS Squeeze you buns for a second. I got another call. He puts Cameron on hold. He clears his throat and answers the second line. He sounds like he's on his last breath. FERRIS H--hell-o? 64 EXT. OFFICE BUILDING. DOWNTOWN 64 A LaSalle Street office tower. TOM'S VOICE Ferris? 65 INT. TOM'S OFFICE 65 He's behind his desk. Nice office. Two windows. Herman Miller desk and chair. TOM You sound miserable. FERRIS' VOICE Really? Darn! I thought I was improving. TOM Were you sleeping? FERRIS' VOICE I was trying to do some homework. 66 CU. COMPUTER MONITOR 66 A closer view of the rude drawing Ferris is making. FERRIS (OC) I'm so worried about falling behind. INT. FERRIS' ROOM He leans back from the monitor and sips a Coke. FERRIS Dad? Can you hold on a second? TOM'S VOICE Sure, pal. Are you alright? FERRIS Just a little phlegm on the phone. Hold on. He puts his father on hold. FERRIS Cameron? It's my Dad. CAMERON'S VOICE Oh, that's just great. Are you busted? FERRIS It's completely cool. He's just checking up on me. Now, listen to me. I'm working on getting some heavy bucks out of him. So, the least you can do is hurry up and get over here. Bye. He disconnects and gets his father back. He switches back to his sick voice. FERRIS Sorry, Dad. The moment before you called, I had a chest spasm and I blew lung fluid all over the place. It was making me ill looking at it. But gee, it's sure great of you to call. I'm sure there're alot of fathers who wouldn't take time out from their busy schedules to call a dumb, sick teenager. TOM'S VOICE Hey, pal, what was I supposed to do? Ferris reaches out and hits a key on his computer. The screen dumps the drawing. FERRIS Give yourself some credit, Dad. It was a mammoth gesture. It's like those savings bonds you used to give me every Christmas. (looks at CAMERA and smiles) It was that kind of concern. CU. COMPUTER SCREEN A message is flashing: "TRANSMITTING DATA". INT. FERRIS' ROOM He turns away from the computer and puts his feet up on the desk. He lights a cigarette. FERRIS You had to work hard for the money to buy those things, right? TOM'S VOICE Not any harder than anybody else. Ferris mouths Tom's words as he says them. 67 EXT. CHICAGO LOOP. DIAMONDVISION SCREEN 67 Ferris' drawing suddenly appears on the billboard. Pedestrians stop to look. 68 INT. FERRIS' ROOM 68 He blows a smoke ring. FERRIS You work so hard I'll bet you don't even remember where those bonds are, right? Ferris points a finger in the air as a cue to his father. TOM'S VOICE Wrong. He nods. FERRIS Oh, yeah? You're pulling my leg. You're just trying to cheer me up. TOM'S VOICE Like hell I am. They're in a shoebox in my closet. Ferris smiles. He looks at CAMERA. He's gotten exactly what he wants. FERRIS (to CAMERA, normal voice) Was that a class move or what? The guy gave it up faster than a drunk Catholic girl. I hope my kids don't pull this shit on me. (thinks) Of course, if they didn't, they'd be dumb and abnormal and they'd probably never move out of my house and I'd have to support them until I die. I take it back. (to the phone, sick voice) Dad? All this talking has made me kind of light-headed. I think I better lie down. TOM'S VOICE Okay, pal. You take care. I'll call you after lunch. FERRIS You don't have to, Dad. TOM'S VOICE I want to. Bye now. He hangs up. Ferris sighs. FERRIS You win some, you lose some. He turns his desk chair around and gets up. FERRIS I'm so disappointed in Cameron. Twenty bucks says he's sitting in his car debating about whether or not he should go out. 69 INT. CAR. CAMERON 69 He's sitting behind the wheel of his car. CAMERON We're gonna get caught. No doubt about it. He cuts the engine. CAMERON I'm not doing it. He sits for half a beat. CAMERON He'll keep calling until I come over. He sighs and restarts the engine. Another beat. CAMERON Actually, what'll happen is I'll get caught. Ferris'll escape. Another beat. He stops the engine. A CRASH OF HORROR MUSIC. 70 CU. DRESSER DRAWER 70 Hands curl around the drawer pulls. The drawer is opened slowly, ominously. The hands lift a sweater out. A HERALDIC STING as we see a men's magazine beneath the sweater. INT. FERRIS' ROOM He takes out the magazine. He leafs through the pages for the pictorials as he speaks. FERRIS Cameron'll go on like that for a good thirty minutes. The guy is a shellfish when it comes to making a decision. The reason he doesn't fell good is, he worries about everything. He's the only guy I know who's deeply concerned that when he grows up there'll be a critical shortage of strategic metals. He exits the room. 71 INT. HALLWAY 71 Ferris comes out of his room and heads down the hallway. FERRIS Cameron's also the only guy I know who knows what strategic metals are. (waves the magazine) Pardon moi. He goes into the bathroom. We HEAR THE TOILET SEAT SLAM DOWN. FERRIS (sings) MAYBE I'M JUST LIKE MY MOTHER, SHE'S NEVER SATISFIED... 72 INT. CLASSROOM. LATER 72 A stunningly beautiful girl, SLOANE PETERSON, is sitting at her desk in a history class. She's staring out the window as a tweedy MALE TEACHER delivers a dry, dusty lecture. TEACHER Roosevelt's health had seriously deteriorated by the time he met with Churchill and Stalin at Yalta. (sneezes) Pardon me. The classroom door opens and the school NURSE walks in. For a moment, the teacher thinks she's come in because she heard him sneeze. She crosses to him and whispers in his ear. SLOANE She, like the others, watches the nurse curiously. INT. CLASSROOM. TEACHER AND NURSE The teacher's face drops as he's delivered an obvious piece of disturbing news. He nods grimly to the Nurse. She looks at the kids. NURSE Sloane Peterson? SLOANE Sits up in her seat. NURSE She's a picture of compassion and understanding. NURSE May I see you outside for a moment? There's been an emergency. SLOANE A smile curls across her lips. As she gathers her books she looks to the GIRL next to her. SLOANE (whispers) Dead grandmother. 73 INT. HALLWAY 73 The Nurse is gently holding Sloane's hand. NURSE (nods solemnly) Dead grandmother. 74 CU. ROONEY 74 He has a suspicious look on his face. ROONEY Dead grandmother? INT. DEAN'S OFFICE Rooney's at his desk. His secretary is standing across from him. SECRETARY That's what Mr. Peterson said. I had Florence Sparrow notify Sloane. ROONEY Who's this girl's going with? SECRETARY It's so hard to tell. I see her alot with Ferris Bueller. Rooney smiles. His suspicions are confirmed. ROONEY Could you get me Mr. Peterson's daytime number? As the secretary starts out of the room, Rooney's phone rings. She stops and answers the desk phone. SECRETARY Edward Rooney's office. (pause) Yes. Can you hold? Thank you. She puts the call on hold. SECRETARY It's Mr. Peterson. Rooney is startled. He thinks for a beat then reaches for the phone. SECRETARY Do you still want his number? Rooney answers her with an annoyed look. She smiles and backs out. He punches the phone button. ROONEY Ed Rooney. MAN'S VOICE Ed? This is George Peterson. ROONEY How are you today, sir? MAN'S VOICE We've had a bit of bad luck this morning as you may have heard. Rooney rolls his eyes. It's so obvious it's not Mr. Peterson. ROONEY I heard. And, gosh, I'm all broken up. Huh? Oh, sure. I'd be happy to release Sloane. You produce a corpse and I'll release Sloane. I want to see this dead grandmother firsthand. The secretary stops cold in the doorway. She turns to Rooney in horror. He covers the phone. ROONEY (whispers) It's Ferris Bueller. Nervy litttle punk. I'm gonna set a trap and let his walk right into it! (to phone) That's right. Cart the stiff in and I'll turn over your daughter. It's school policy. Was this your mother? Rooney's other line rings. 75 INT. SECRETARY'S OFFICE 75 She steps out of Rooney's office and picks up the other line. SECRETARY Ed Rooney's office. Her jaw drops. SECRETARY Hold, please. She puts the call on hold and hangs up. She hurried into Rooney's office. 76 INT. DEAN'S OFFICE 76 Rooney's chewing out the person on the other line. ROONEY I'll tell you want, you don't like my policies, you can just come on down and smooch by big old ugly ass. You hear me? The secretary comes in. She's waving her arms furiously. Rooney tries to wave her away. He's angry. She stomps her foot. Rooney covers the phone. ROONEY What!? SECRETARY Ferris Bueller's on line two. CU. ROONEY'S FOOT It freezes in mid-tap. CU. ROONEY'S HAND The pencils falls from his fingers. CU. ROONEY'S FACE A mask of horror. He glances at the phone. CU. PHONE The second line light is flashing. CU. ROONEY He blinks, cocks his head, twitches. 77 INT. FERRIS' ROOM 77 He's zipping his pants, fastening his belt. The phone's cradled against his shoulder. He speaks in the same voice he used on his father. FERRIS Mr. Rooney? I'm sorry to disturb you at work but I was wondering if it would be possible for my sister to bring home any assignments from my classes that I may need. 78 INT. DEAN'S OFFICE. ROONEY

OP just won't admit that he's really a man, because he's stuck in the closet jk