Animals: Today, my cat, who is very 'don't-ever-touch-me', jumped up next...

By pretty princess - 01/02/2009 08:55 - United States

Today, my cat, who is very 'don't-ever-touch-me', jumped up next to me as if she wanted to be stroked. In reality, she wanted to share a hellish fart. I need a new cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 819

You deserved it 4 958

Winter: Snow and Funny News
Snuggle up and laugh with our winter stories, where snow isn't the only thing sliding around! More…

Previous FML Next FML

Same thing different taste

By Catremorse - 01/08/2019 14:00 - United States - Centreville

Today, my cat was laying on my chest while I was in bed. I farted, which my closed legs seemed to amplify. My cat was so scared, she used me as a launching pad and cut my chest in three places with her claws. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 370

You deserved it 575

Thanks for the support

By Anonymous - 01/03/2024 15:00 - United States - Dallas

Today, I came home very tired from a bad day at work, and really just wanted to relax on the couch for a while. My cat jumped into my lap, wanting affection. I was petting him, thanking him for his emotional support. He reciprocated by noxiously farting in my face and running away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 440

You deserved it 180

Don't touch me, bitch

By Grace - 14/11/2020 23:02

Today, I found out that when you try to pick up my cat, its response is to let out the most stinky fart it can. FML

I agree, your life sucks 768

You deserved it 221

By orely44 - 08/03/2013 14:13 - France - Rez

Today, after about fifteen minutes of my cat bullying me into letting him get onto my lap, I finally caved. He clambered on, turned around, farted in my direction, and got off as fast as he got on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 664

You deserved it 9 611

By nullpointer - 03/08/2016 04:38 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I farted so loud that my cat thought that I was growling at him, and bit me in self-defense. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 809

You deserved it 1 990

By Anonymous - 28/12/2018 06:00 - United States - Pittsford

Today, my cat jumped on my shoulders, but stepped in my hood and choked me and when I panicked she dug her claws into my shoulders. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 148

You deserved it 500

By sippinsoup22 - 16/02/2016 01:25 - United States - Houston

Today, my cat was being surprisingly loving towards me. Normally she ignores me so I obviously found this rather odd. She kept meowing so I assumed she was hungry. As I was getting up to feed her, she stood up and pooped all over me, my bed and phone, then turned away and ran. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 759

You deserved it 2 475

The Lovecats

By Anonymous - 30/08/2021 09:01 - United States - Springfield

Today, my cat woke me up by vomiting a big, warm, stinky hairball on my neck and then left. I think she was smiling as she trotted away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 893

You deserved it 188

By Anonymous - 06/01/2016 06:54 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I finally got myself settled into bed around 2 in the morning after a very long day. My cat started to snuggle with me when I smelled something disgusting. Turns out my cat sharted in my bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 129

You deserved it 2 166

By raven_of_azarath - 19/06/2019 12:23

Today, I found out my 15-year-old cat is having gas problems when she farted in my face. My mouth was open. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 562

You deserved it 326

OEsEben 0

Thursday 5 February 2009 1:45

my girlfriend does this

VexDraham 0

Friday 27 February 2009 17:04

HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Thats so great! I love your cat! lol.

Comments

OEsEben 0

Thursday 5 February 2009 1:45

my girlfriend does this

Wreckless_fml 6

Friday 2 September 2011 20:42

Hate it when that happens.

djdeathwish 0

Friday 6 February 2009 21:31

Your own fault for having a cat.

MrCatman1125 2

Friday 26 October 2012 4:13

What's wrong with cats? They have just as much right to be in a home as any other thing, be it animal or man.

jessie841 11

Sunday 2 August 2015 2:41

I tend to agree.... Most cats aren't that nice

VexDraham 0

Friday 27 February 2009 17:04

HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Thats so great! I love your cat! lol.

pacmanaids 0

Sunday 15 March 2009 17:15

I lol'd so hard at this. Your cat is awesome.

leye 0

Thursday 26 March 2009 1:40

aha #2...I feel sorry for you...LMAO!! funny cat... :P

l30n 0

Wednesday 1 April 2009 22:19

I hate cats.

me127 17

Friday 9 January 2015 1:05

I hate you.

trapiadora 0

Thursday 21 May 2009 7:08

Oh what thats wierd. Maybe you should get a new cat. jk

SAF_fml 0

Monday 8 June 2009 5:51

Dont get a new cat, this one is obviously smart and likes you in a cute weird way

lakeylove 0

Friday 10 July 2009 22:54

Your cat likes you! Sharing is caring!

bigraws23 0

Thursday 16 July 2009 14:48

What's a touch me not cat?

ThisRandomChild 0

Thursday 30 June 2011 20:01

The cat doesn't want to be touched. Not too difficult a concept really. Cats suck anyways.

Keywords

Love Cheating Work Money Relatable My ex Jealousy Accident Health Medication ADHD Weather Snow Miscellaneous Awkward Embarrassing Relationship advice Am I overreacting? Weird AITA Dating Sleep Annoying Parents Mental health Furniture Kids Gross Friends Public freakouts

The Top

Today, I was called by my son's school. They said he'd been forging my signature and comments in his reading book. He didn't forge them. I don't know what's worse: my handwriting looking like a 6 year-old's, or being too cowardly to admit it. He has a week of lunch detention, but I still have my dignity. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 391

You deserved it 115 808

Today, I woke up from a night of serious depression, drinking by myself at home, to find a USB stick wrapped in plastic up my vagina, with "Top secret" written on it. There was nothing on the stick when I checked. I may need to give tequila a rest and switch back to gin. FML

I agree, your life sucks 474

You deserved it 1 831

The Top

Today, I had to sleep on couch cushions on the kitchen floor because I saw a tiny spider crawl under my bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 252

You deserved it 796

Today, I was laid off on the day I was about to put in an offer on a house. This company promised me the world, and I broke myself working to prove my worth. Turns out, I wasn't getting paid for the lunches and breaks I didn't take either. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 122

You deserved it 178

Today, as a nursing student, I needed to take a blood sample from someone and the veins on his arms weren't really easy to draw blood from. I asked him, "Can I please look at your legs?" It turns out he was amputated. FML

I agree, your life sucks 917

You deserved it 282

Today, I went on a date with this girl I met online. The conversation drifted and we were talking about how we'd prefer to die, if we had a choice. I said, "I want to skydive over the ocean without a parachute." She said she wants to be made into a wallet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 526

You deserved it 9 702

Today, while making out with my boyfriend, I slightly opened my eyes during it and saw him with his eyes wide open, watching TV. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 379

You deserved it 347

Today, after discovering my grown-up kids have sent poop pictures to each other since they were teenagers, I had an epic poop that looked like a question mark. So I finally lowered myself to their level and sent a picture of it to them. It got sent to my boss by accident. FML

I agree, your life sucks 336

You deserved it 1 650

Same thing different taste

Thanks for the support

Don't touch me, bitch

The Lovecats

Top comments

Comments