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He won't do anything. When someone makes a comment like that I tell them to go ahead, but they'll get caught and arrested so I would win anyways.
Correct reply (with a straight face): I can tell you if you want.
Keywords
Is he ******* crazy? What the hell is wrong with him? He's going about this all wrong. That's way too direct. The correct thing to say is, "I have a rusty scalpel, plenty of lidocaine, and an intimate knowledge of male anatomy. Have a nice time tonight."
Did he stab him?!?!??