Well, she's obviously doesn't like the fact that you're getting married

Its better than a blender and a spoon

For her birthday regift her the fork, along with a power board.

Chances are pretty good you left out the part where your mother-in-law contributed to the wedding, maybe not monetarily, but with support and advise. Stop being so greedy and be grateful for what you have, a beautiful wedding with all your friends and family and a husband who loves you. Although if you keep being a greedy little bitch I can't see that lasting too long.

don't open the package. wrap it up and give it to her for Christmas present

Greatest thing I've heard all day.

Ask her to demonstrate how she wants you to use them together.

Give her a brochure for a retirement home

This reminded me of an episode of Happy Tree Friends - well, this aint good!

I may be the only one thinking of yourchonny