Work: Today, while discussing career prospects with my mom, she suggested...

By kaynotentirelywrong - 15/08/2013 16:49 - Canada - Repentigny

Today, while discussing career prospects with my mom, she suggested that I become a penis puppeteer, because "Let's face it, you play with it 24/7. Why not make a career out of it?" Yeah, thanks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 203

You deserved it 13 353

Thanksgiving: Turkeys and Skids
Family meals that turn absurd, because Thanksgiving is also about laughing at little disasters. More…

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Same thing different taste

By Anonymous - 15/11/2009 23:26 - United States

Today, I had nothing better to do than make a penis out of silly putty. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 850

You deserved it 37 756

Support act

By Anonymous - 26/08/2024 13:00 - United Kingdom

Today, and for my entire childhood, my parents made me play the piano until I gave in and just learned to enjoy it somehow. Now, I actually have an opportunity to play professionally, and what did my parents say? “Don’t bother, musicians hardly ever make good money. Get a real job instead.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 557

You deserved it 71

By Motha - 09/04/2014 05:17 - United States - West Jordan

Today, my obsession with replying "Your Mom" reached a new level when my anatomy teacher asked what I'd done with my pencil. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 604

You deserved it 50 478

By Anonymous - 25/10/2016 08:31

Today, without thinking, I casually advised my mum that the best way to get the piping nozzle clean is to 'fingerfuck' it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 925

You deserved it 4 869

Mother knows best...

By flymetothemoon - 27/09/2017 20:00

Today, I finally figured out what I want to do for the rest of my life. Too bad my tattoos will prevent me from ever getting hired. Guess you were right, Mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 026

You deserved it 4 342

Subconscious

By doodler - 27/02/2014 11:59 - United States - Hurst

Today, I was doodling randomly during a meeting at work, and I noticed my drawing was beginning to look a bit like a penis. A coworker was eyeing it so I tried to make it something else by adding... oh good, now it's a penis and balls. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 098

You deserved it 13 508

Comedian

By WoofWoof - 27/09/2020 14:01 - Pakistan - Islamabad

Today, I had to explain to my girlfriend that getting on all fours and barking at my penis for fun in the center of a mall is extremely inappropriate. She thinks otherwise, and promises to do it again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 410

You deserved it 418

By Rae - 30/07/2009 13:56 - United States

Today, I picked up my daughter from the day care but before we left, the babysitter needed to have a talk with me. To fill you in, I got a brand new prius yesterday. Apparently my daughter told eveyone that her mommy got a new penis. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 450

You deserved it 4 492

Follow your dreams

By Anonymous - 17/03/2023 10:00

Today, despite me being a master-level carpenter, and my art sells for thousands, I heard my mom telling her snobby friends how embarrassed she is of me because I’m “basically unemployed” and waste my time on “hobby crafts” like a teenage nerd instead of getting “a real job” and finding a wife. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 096

You deserved it 118

By CallaC - 15/03/2012 02:01 - Canada

Today, my dad sat me down for the sex talk. Almost before he could open his mouth, my mother popped her head into the room and said, "Be realistic, Dan. Who would want to sleep with that?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 505

You deserved it 2 898

Wolstenholme 11

Friday 16 August 2013 3:26

******* awesome mom you've got there.

SamanthaNGoree 10

Friday 16 August 2013 3:29

And now I know what I want to be when I grow up!

Comments

RoboCunnilingus 23

Friday 16 August 2013 3:56

I think I speak for the rest of the males on FML when I say, "We accept PayPal".

HeartOfLead 24

Friday 16 August 2013 4:11

Curse you thin walls!

Scruggalicious 13

Friday 16 August 2013 4:18

Or you could just be the master debator

Rexington27 7

Friday 16 August 2013 4:19

The training has been handy.

TheDrifter 23

Friday 16 August 2013 4:27

That has to be the funniest way I've seen an fml mom call her son a wanker.

ohhey_di 10

Friday 16 August 2013 4:38

Your mom is ******* amazing

EvilLittleMan 23

Friday 16 August 2013 4:39

Just don't shuffle to much where all you have left is something that resembles a No. 2 pencil.

wowthatissad 9

Friday 16 August 2013 4:41

Is penis puppeteering the same as coochie caressing?

CallMeMcFeelii 13

Friday 16 August 2013 5:53

I caress my poochie all the time. He's real big and furry. He likes to play fetch and..wait. Coochie..? Oh..

trollololulz 2

Friday 16 August 2013 9:15

tie a penis to a string and make it dance-erections are not good for range of movement during preformances and don't make for a happy ending.

DestinysChampion 17

Friday 16 August 2013 4:51

She, uh, really had to bring that up?

woiz 11

Friday 16 August 2013 4:59

moms know their kids better than anyone

Keywords

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The Top

Today, my boyfriend and I got intimate with each other for the first time. He shoved his hand down my pants, touched about an inch away from my clitoris, and whispered, "Cummm" in my ear. I doubt I'll have an orgasm ever again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 037

You deserved it 4 250

CLICK HERE TO SEE THE ILLUSTRATED FMLMeghan's website : http://www.kawaiinot.com/ & http://www.murphypop.com/ If you want to be the next published artist, send an email to alice [at] fmylife.com including a link to your website/blog/DA. Bu...

I agree, your life sucks 11

You deserved it 21

The Top

Today, I went on a date for the first time since my divorce was finalized a year ago. The first question the guy asked me was what my favorite sex position is. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 670

You deserved it 6 499

Today, my family and I were watching Mulan, and I mentioned that I've always had a crush on Shang. After going into detail about how I would "marry his sexy voice" I decided to look up this mystery dream man. To my surprise he was played by Donny Osmond. I will never live this down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 020

You deserved it 26 996

Today, on a train, a little boy and girl come up to me and ask how babies are made. Already pretty uncomfortable with their question, their mother suddenly appears and says, "Go on, tell them!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 034

You deserved it 105

Today, I spent 16 minutes doing a “free” IQ test. I then found out you had to pay, and then spent another 20 on another. Now I feel dumb. FML

I agree, your life sucks 239

You deserved it 1 043

Today, my car was rear-ended and totaled. Last year, during the same month, my previous car was rear-ended and totaled. I should just stop driving during the month of February. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 180

You deserved it 428

Today, as a part of my job, I took a couple around to look at houses that are on sale. After driving them around and looking at tons of houses, the wife said, "Okay. I think we have enough decorating ideas." FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 068

You deserved it 2 920