Intimacy: Zinger

Zinger

By LZapped - 08/06/2015 13:35 - United States - Mundelein

Today, I am going to take a law school test. My Mom told me to relax, so I told her, "I'm better at stressing out, so I have something to fall back on if I bomb the test." To which she replied, "And masturbating, you've always excelled at that." FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 394

You deserved it 5 341

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Same thing different taste

Realistic

By IBleedArbor - 16/02/2009 22:59 - United States

Today, my dad told me to take my stress out by getting a girlfriend. My mom laughed and said, "No that won't work, just go jack off in the shower again." FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 302

You deserved it 5 027

By acincollege - 21/02/2009 05:36 - United States

Today, I jokingly told my mom that I was having sex with my Professor. Her response was, "As long as you're getting A's, honey!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 492

You deserved it 53 040

Play it cool

By Fraser - 08/03/2012 19:03 - Canada

Today, my mother caught me masturbating. Trying to defuse the awkward tension, I said "Oh, I was just thinking about you!" Not a good idea. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 203

You deserved it 56 647

The root

By Anonymous - 02/08/2021 02:01 - United States - Floral Park

Today, I got a lecture from my mother about how bad my stress has been, how I have to treat myself better and do something with my life. She still doesn't realize that most of the cause of my stress has been from her berating me about how stressed out I am. FML

I agree, your life sucks 927

You deserved it 111

By RZ - 07/03/2012 15:42 - United States

Today, my girlfriend was complaining of being stressed, so I mentioned having heard that sex relieves a lot of that build up of stress. She replied, "I think I'd rather stay stressed." FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 068

You deserved it 8 035

Speaks for us all

By Adan - 13/11/2020 17:58 - Pakistan - Peshawar

Today, I'm having an existential crisis. I don't what the future holds, I'm overthinking and stressing about things I could've controlled. Now I'm having a breakdown and I've got a test tomorrow and I have to take a bath, but all my lazy ass does is worry but never actually do the fucking work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 792

You deserved it 509

By not laughing anymore - 11/12/2014 19:55 - Netherlands - Egelshoek

Today, since my finals are starting tomorrow, I made a joke about setting my math books on fire. I laughed. Friends laughed. Parents laughed. Guess what subject just managed to actually get in touch with my scented candles? FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 782

You deserved it 6 464

By goodgrief - 30/10/2013 18:28 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my mom got drunk at our family reunion and told everyone how worried she is that my "excessive masturbation" would damage the nerves in both my dick and arm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 934

You deserved it 8 790

By xXMudkipNoobXx - 13/01/2012 01:20 - United States

Today, my mom was more upset about my 67 on an Algebra test than my sister almost setting the house on fire. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 010

You deserved it 6 159

Keep it down!

By LonelyStudent - 02/09/2019 19:00 - United States - Chicago

Today, while at a grocery store, I told my mom I had some good news. She exclaimed, "You finally got a boyfriend?!" No mom, just an A on my math test. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 631

You deserved it 172

WitEluded 13

Monday 8 June 2015 17:58

Good luck getting that out of your head before the exam

igg125 30

Monday 8 June 2015 17:56

Mama knows you best.

Comments

mattrd_fml 31

Tuesday 9 June 2015 1:20

at least you have her support if you decide to go into the adult industry.

DrCheese 16

Tuesday 9 June 2015 2:42

Well, if your good at something...

Earl_KarmasBitch 34

Tuesday 9 June 2015 2:55

If you're good at something you should never do it for free. OP, maybe you should consider going professional.

maggiefox 25

Tuesday 9 June 2015 3:55

I have a friend that took a law test today... :o

devinaww 15

Tuesday 9 June 2015 4:22

I wonder how she knows.... and what does she mean when she says "excel"? How good can you be at masturbating..?!

ProSwimmerFL 16

Tuesday 9 June 2015 5:14

Now does your mom walk in on you while you do that orrrrrr what kinda strange OP

meghancuma 14

Tuesday 9 June 2015 5:49

Just some light humor! I'm sure you did great(:

SoulessSoul 10

Tuesday 9 June 2015 8:23

Damn, how'd she find out?

Drosophila82 18

Tuesday 9 June 2015 10:14

That is hilarious.... But remind her that all men excel at that, and tell her not to be a hater

cmb2002 6

Tuesday 9 June 2015 16:55

U could be a sperm donor

Keywords

Break-ups Love Christmas Poopoo peepee Gross Miscellaneous Argument Ironic Awkward Friends Cute Haircut Relatable Work Cars You're fired Health Covid Jealousy Cheating Kids Parenting Family DIY Cats Sex Roommate Intimacy Am I overreacting? Management

The Top

Today, I put my sexiest lingerie on, lit candles, put some sensual music on, and got my bed ready to surprise my boyfriend when he came home. I positioned myself in the sexiest pose possible. He came home and didn't come in my room for twenty minutes because of a football game. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 147

You deserved it 6 979

Today, as I exited McDonald's after a quick lunch, a man in a jogging outfit ran past, snatching my handbag right off my shoulder as he tore past. He must have been at least 50. I broke down utterly exhausted before I could chase him even a single block. I'm 24. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 151

You deserved it 39 590

The Top

Today, my psycho ex girlfriend got up in my face after I dumped her. She said I'm going to pay and that one day, when I think I'm safe and happy, my joy will turn to ash in my mouth. When I pointed out she'd just ripped off a Game of Thrones quote, she kneed me in the balls. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 565

You deserved it 4 031

Today, my boyfriend of 2 1/2 years still refuses to memorize my phone number or remember my birthday because he says there is a limited amount of space in his brain and he does not want to push any important information out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 279

You deserved it 6 810

Today, my husband put on a nice suit and asked me out to dinner. When he found out I was on my period, he decided to stay home instead, since there was "no point" anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 079

You deserved it 2 650

Today, I seemingly have the perfect life. A clean house, a car, two well behaved kids, and stability in every way. I'm also quite good looking, with a good body and health. It's like out of a sitcom/postcard. The only catch is that my husband has literally zero libido and won't have sex with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 450

You deserved it 361

Today, I finally brought a girl home from college. While I was making her some coffee, my roommate came down in her underwear, pretended to be my girlfriend, and asked if we were having a threesome. My date left before I could explain, and my roommate thinks it's fucking hilarious. FML

I agree, your life sucks 78 141

You deserved it 9 985

Today, my boss was hosting some client representatives for a meeting and had offered to buy everyone lunch. The "healthy" place he's ordering from made me sick last time, so I'd politely opted out. At lunch, the reps glared at me in the meeting room as I ate my homemade chili con carne. Turns out they're all vegans. FML

I agree, your life sucks 518

You deserved it 144