All the FMLs

By assassinmaster - 30/06/2018 15:00

Today, I caught a lady attempting to steal a watermelon by putting it in her shirt. When I confronted her, she claimed to be pregnant and threatened to sue me and the store for discriminating against mothers. Nice try, but the watermelon fell out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 738

You deserved it 257

About that...

By Gay younger brother - 30/06/2018 01:30

Today, my brother came out to our parents. They weren't super happy with it, but they said that it was ok since they still had a straight son. I don't know how to tell them that I'm gay too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 619

You deserved it 518

I'll bite

By Loser - 29/06/2018 13:30 - United States - Winona

Today, I was skinny dipping with some cute girls from school, one of which I really like. Everything was great until I caught a fish on my own personal nightcrawler and they had to take me to the ER. I'll forever be known as "Salmon Dick". FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 467

You deserved it 707

By Broken - 29/06/2018 19:00

Today, the ex of my boyfriend of 18 months called me and put her phone in her purse. I heard my boyfriend say he's sick of me, he hasn't been happy for a year, and he's afraid to leave because he feels sorry for me. He bought her a ring. I got earrings. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 555

You deserved it 350

By gmanxx - 29/06/2018 18:34

Today, I was fired from my new job before my first paycheck for taking 2 days off. I took 2 days off because my father got drunk and totaled my car, leaving me with no transportation, a hospitalized dad, property damage, and no money to pay for it all. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 489

You deserved it 500

gmanxx tells us more.

gmanxx 9

Friday 29 June 2018 6:04

you think i would lend him my keys knowing he was wasted? he took them. end of story.

By RootalyTootToot - 29/06/2018 15:00

Today, after slipping on my stairs and spraining my ankle, I got a brace and crutches at urgent care. When I went to get into my car, my crutch slipped on some paper and I fell. I crawled back into urgent care, only to learn that my sprained ankle is now broken in 2 places. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 355

You deserved it 263

Mommy Issues

By Anonymous - 28/06/2018 20:47

Today, my mother-in-law yanked my corset so tight that I shit myself. While wearing my dress. On my wedding day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 560

You deserved it 406

By happydoctor123 - 28/06/2018 01:30

Today, I took an Uber from work to my friend's home. My water bottle, which was in my backpack in the back seat, leaked and left a little water on his fabric seat. I got an $80 "professional cleaning" bill from Uber. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 660

You deserved it 751

Not the nuggets!

By Anon - 27/06/2018 20:30

Today, I invited the guy I've been seeing for 5 months over. We got some chicken nuggets, but didn’t eat because he stripped my clothes off and we started having sex. Out of nowhere, he said, "I can’t do this!" and left. He took the chicken nuggets with him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 909

You deserved it 497

By onlyme123 - 27/06/2018 15:00

Today, I got a phone call. I thought it was just one of these toll free numbers that were always calling so when I answered the phone, I said, “City morgue: you stab 'em, we slab 'em! How may I help you?” It was my college calling to discuss my grades. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 893

You deserved it 3 766

* backs away slowly *

By tima - 27/06/2018 01:30

Today, I went to visit my long-distance boyfriend for the first time. His room is decorated top to bottom with swastikas and confederate flags. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 954

You deserved it 878

Uncomfortable

By Vanessa8221 - 26/06/2018 14:30 - United States - Rockaway Park

Today, I gave a sexual harassment seminar, explaining how important it is to not do anything that makes coworkers uncomfortable. Someone joked, "Like telling you your fly is open?" I tried to zip up, but it got caught on my underwear. There were 20 minutes left in the program. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 956

You deserved it 652

By Shino - 26/06/2018 19:00

Today, my fiancé's mother made him pack his stuff and move to Montana while I was at work. I came home to a half-written note because she wouldn’t let him finish. We own a house together. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 466

You deserved it 464

By Jaymz - 26/06/2018 15:00

Today, I went to my son's final band performance. I also have a busy toddler, so I ended up watching most of the performance in the hallway on a tv monitor. In the middle of the awards ceremony, my toddler pulled the fire alarm. Everyone had to evacuate the building. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 338

You deserved it 2 335

By ge fu yo twa - 25/06/2018 20:30

Today, after house sitting for my future father-in-law and managing to keep things spotless for 3 weeks, a pipe burst. It flooded the place and shorted out a plug socket, causing a fire that ruined the front room. He gets home in 3 hours. I'm screwed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 210

You deserved it 270

By keep_your_eyes_on_the_sidewalk - 25/06/2018 15:00

Today, a girl with her eyes glued to her phone bumped my arm going in the opposite direction on the sidewalk. She dropped her phone, chased me to the bus stop, and told everyone that I broke it. She threatened to call the police. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 162

You deserved it 227

False Advertising

By Alex Xavier - 25/06/2018 01:30

Today, after getting married recently and my wife making a ton of promises about "things" we'd do, she admitted she won't do any of them and said I should just accept that she lied. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 983

You deserved it 746

By Anonymous - 24/06/2018 20:30

Today, I was fired from my job for "lack of work". What that means is that my boss hired his good-for-nothing lazy son, who then got too big of a mortgage, and he had to let me go to pay him a higher salary. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 988

You deserved it 212

By Anonymous - 24/06/2018 15:00

Today, I was training a new volunteer at a clothing donation center. While explaining how to sort donations, I reached into a garbage bag full of clothes and something on my hand caught my eye. It was a bed bug. The bag was full of them and they sought refuge up my arm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 970

You deserved it 272

By TrashGirl - 24/06/2018 01:30

Today, for our 8th wedding anniversary I gave my husband several well-thought-out gifts. He gave me divorce papers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 968

You deserved it 390

Misogynistic and insensitive. Great.

By Anonymous - 23/06/2018 14:30 - United States - Huron

Today, I told my boyfriend how my mom passed away when I was 11 after crashing her car into a tree at night. He muttered, "Women drivers." FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 946

You deserved it 448

Professional.

By Anonymous - 23/06/2018 19:00

Today, my boss threatened to fire me for racism after I refused to hire a black woman. I didn't hire her because she came to the interview wearing what was basically a bikini and she was covered in tattoos depicting lewd sex acts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 455

You deserved it 296

How sweet

By Birdman - 23/06/2018 15:00

Today, my 3-year-old fell asleep in our bed while cuddling me, and I let him stay since he was being so sweet. In the middle of the night, he took off his pants and pissed all over my head and back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 732

You deserved it 805

By thehunterofprey - 22/06/2018 19:00

Today, I came out to my parents as gay and they reacted better than I expected. Then I found my car destroyed with a note that said "fag" on what used to be my hood. I never thought I'd have to sue my own family, but I'm lucky I have security footage. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 717

You deserved it 444

By finalfantasy - 21/06/2018 17:30 - United States - Aurora

Today, my brother thought it would be absolutely hilarious to replace my cold sore cream with superglue. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 852

You deserved it 267

Shortage

By WaterNeeded - 21/06/2018 20:30

Today, I came back from a holiday with in-laws who don't speak English. After taking a dump and not being able to flush, I realised they had turned off the water prior to the holiday. I had to show them my poop to explain they had no running water. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 898

You deserved it 430

By Anonymous - 21/06/2018 19:00

Today, after months of trying for a baby and telling me how he wants a family and can't wait to have a kid with me, my boyfriend was relieved when I got a negative home test, saying he's not ready for kids yet. I took another test this morning. I'm pregnant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 072

You deserved it 605

By Good morning to you all - 20/06/2018 20:30

Today, since my dad decided he's tired of not being completely comfortable in his own home, he now wears only a knee-length robe without underwear so he can "really enjoy the breeze". I've seen more balls in a few days than a pro baseball player does his entire career. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 819

You deserved it 413

By MasterWong - 20/06/2018 19:00

Today, I opened my blinds to see the front yard littered with trash. My neighbor's cat ripped our trash bags open and smeared them all over the lawn. Since it was my turn to take out the trash this week, my family decided I would be the one cleaning up too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 531

You deserved it 333

It's real, I'm telling you!

By Tenniemo - 20/06/2018 15:00 - United States

Today, while packing up my classroom, I had a sudden stinging pain in my finger. Since I live in Arizona, my first thought was a black widow or scorpion, but the ER doctor didn't believe me and said it's nothing. Tell that to my tingling swollen arm. It’s been 4 hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 815

You deserved it 225

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The Top

Today, I got a new trainee at work. She was the experimental one-night stand I’d had several months back and never called again. She kept making remarks about how excited she is to be working under me again and winking. This is gonna be a long couple of weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 587

You deserved it 1 331

Today, I crawled into bed, naked, wanting to get some, and hoping to surprise my boyfriend who's always complaining that I don't sleep naked. When he finally got into bed he rolled over, touched my bare ass, and said "Oh…" then rolled back over and went to sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 810

You deserved it 6 053

The Top

Today, I escaped my husband's snoring by going to sleep on our sleeper couch, only to be welcomed by an excited mosquito population, which sounding like, "Happy hour guys, she's on her period, let's suck this eternal source of blood!" I went back next to my husband and I didn't sleep, but at least wasn't being bitten. FML

I agree, your life sucks 811

You deserved it 160

Today, I told my boyfriend of two years that he was my first kiss. His reply? I was the first person he ever whacked off to. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 597

You deserved it 443

Today, my daughter was charged with multiple counts of vandalism and trespassing. It seems she's been sneaking out in the middle of the night, stealing and breaking our neighbors' lawn ornaments. Specifically garden gnomes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 224

You deserved it 7 102

Today, the family posted my mother in law’s obituary. My husband was listed as a survivor, with no mention of me, while all the other spouses were named. Also listed as a survivor - his ex-wife. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 554

You deserved it 223

Today, I moved in with my boyfriend because my parents kicked me out. He said that if I ever touch his "fucking apple jacks" he will "chop" my nipples off and feed them to the dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 237

You deserved it 5 574

Today, I was trying on some shoes. As I was bending down, an old lady with a walking frame slowly approached. As she got close she whispered to me, "Mmm, you've got a nice tushie." My girlfriend will not let me hear the end of it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 200

You deserved it 3 709