Intimacy

Directions

By jay-frey96 - 02/11/2014 15:36 - United States - San Diego

Spicy

Today, I went down on my girlfriend for the first time. The words "Christ, Jeff. It's a vagina, not a burrito. CALM DOWN!" were spoken. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 655

You deserved it 14 015

By AnonymousAmber - 31/10/2014 23:10 - United States - Yadkinville

Today, my best friend told me that she was a virgin again because she hadn't had sex in 6 months. She's 19 and actually believes it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 166

You deserved it 2 868

By Anonymous - 30/10/2014 20:55 - United States - College Place

Spicy

Today, I had to go to my dentist about a chipped tooth. I got it after my hand slipped off my dick and slammed straight into my face while I was masturbating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 006

You deserved it 27 433

By BurnedDown - 28/10/2014 20:45 - United Kingdom - Bridlington

Spicy

Today, I wanted to spice things up in the bedroom with my husband, so I set up some Halloween torches to create a wild ambiance. Unfortunately our dickhead neighbours saw the glow, didn't remember that fire tends to give off smoke, and called the fire department on us. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 498

You deserved it 7 806

Thief

By anonymous - 28/10/2014 03:40 - United States - Lafayette

Spicy

Today, I hit a new low point in my life when I stole batteries from a toy at the daycare I work at, and put them in my vibrator. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 893

You deserved it 39 846

By soisblueballsdickhead - 26/10/2014 14:25 - United States

Spicy

Today, I finally felt ready to give my boyfriend a blowjob. Barely 20 seconds in, he said: "I'll be honest, this is TERRIBLE." FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 041

You deserved it 9 713

Kinda sus

By Anonymous - 25/10/2014 21:31 - United Kingdom - Watford

Today, let's just say it's not always a good idea to storm into your mum's bedroom after hearing several loud slaps accompanied by yelps. What sounds like domestic violence might just be your mum and step-dad's foreplay. For Christ's sake, I need brain bleach. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 352

You deserved it 9 770

Not now, dude

By Anonymous - 25/10/2014 18:44 - United States - Montgomery

Spicy

Today, I was hugging my girlfriend after she had a really bad day at work, when she burst into tears and started sobbing. For some reason that I'll never understand, it gave me a hard-on. She felt it, and now she thinks I'm a sick bastard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 200

You deserved it 7 317

By Anonymous - 25/10/2014 02:48 - United States - Gainesboro

Spicy

Today, I was making love to my boyfriend. In the heat of the moment, I said his name. He immediately stopped, gave me a deadly serious look and said "Huh? What?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 223

You deserved it 4 935

By too good - 24/10/2014 10:54 - United Kingdom - Dartford

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend and I tried roleplaying a teacher-student during sex. We're both studying to be actors, so we ended up going into a really deep, emotional storyline that didn't end in sex at all. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 029

You deserved it 14 565

By anonymous - 24/10/2014 01:25 - United States - West Babylon

Spicy

Today, my best friend and I, after years of sexual tension, began to have sex for the first time. Things got heated and he decided to abruptly stand up with me around him. I got so nervous, spazzed out, and now have 37 staples in my head courtesy of his bookshelf. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 389

You deserved it 7 204

Considerate

By BadLuckLad - 22/10/2014 22:38 - United Kingdom - Portsmouth

Spicy

Today, I walked in on my girlfriend cheating on me. The guy turned around and said, "Sorry, I borrowed your condoms." FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 385

You deserved it 3 889

The Great Pretender

By CJune24 - 22/10/2014 21:24 - United Kingdom - Huddersfield

Spicy

Today, I tried to seduce my boyfriend so I mounted him and began kissing him. He immediately pretended to snore into my mouth and rolled over, making me fall off of the bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 539

You deserved it 5 452

By John - 21/10/2014 00:29 - Canada - Ottawa

Spicy

Today, my little sister decided it would be funny to hide in the washroom closet while I was taking a piss. I wasn't pissing, I was wanking. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 448

You deserved it 14 479

Ice-breaker

By bye loser - 20/10/2014 09:28 - Canada - Abbotsford

Spicy

Today, I went on a first date. Everything was going well until he asked me, "So, what's the biggest thing you've stuck up your vag?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 737

You deserved it 3 969

Talk to me baby

By fizzie101 - 18/10/2014 21:43 - United States - San Francisco

Spicy

Today, I walked in on my boyfriend jerking off to what I thought was porn on his phone. He was actually beating it to Siri's voice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 503

You deserved it 4 694

By melissa1028 - 18/10/2014 02:23 - United States

Spicy

Today, I sent my fiancé a sexy picture while I was at work. I never got a response from him, so I gave him a call after a while. His 9-year-old son answered. Apparently he was getting a haircut at the time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 554

You deserved it 10 317

By gettinghotinhere - 17/10/2014 18:29 - United States - San Francisco

Spicy

Today, I climbed onto my boyfriend's lap and sexily told him "It's getting hot in here," and started unbuttoning my shirt. He said "Oh," pushed me off him, and went to turn the ceiling fan on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 824

You deserved it 6 873

By Anonymous - 17/10/2014 10:13 - New Zealand - Auckland

Spicy

Today, while out for dinner with my parents, a woman, approximately the same age as my mother, repeatedly propositioned me for sex during the course of my meal. After declining firmly several times, she only stopped after my mother convinced her I was gay. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 665

You deserved it 4 178

By Anonymous - 17/10/2014 01:10 - United States - Dayton

Spicy

Today, I never really thought that my boyfriend and brother having the same name was too weird. Until I called out his name during climax. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 700

You deserved it 6 076

Food for thought

By datgurllllukno - 15/10/2014 06:26 - United States

Spicy

Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, I discovered that I climax sooner if I think about pretzels. Yes, pretzels. The food product. I'll never be able to eat them again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 252

You deserved it 5 989

By ForeverAlone - 15/10/2014 00:13 - United States - Watertown

Spicy

Today, before work, I was quickly cleaning when I tripped and the side of my neck hit the countertop, causing a dark bruise. During work, people wouldn't stop giving me high fives for getting laid and I was too embarrassed to tell them truth that I'm not desirable, just clumsy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 430

You deserved it 3 769

Celebrate good times come on!

By badplacerightnow - 13/10/2014 14:15 - United States - Frisco

Spicy

Today, it's the first birthday of the condom in my pocket. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 991

You deserved it 9 234

By Drafrica - 13/10/2014 10:20 - South Africa

Spicy

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend in the missionary position. Once again, our cat decided to crawl onto his back and stare at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 741

You deserved it 5 800

By KO - 12/10/2014 16:45 - United States

Spicy

Today, in the middle of sex, my husband accidentally headbutted me, almost knocking me unconscious. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 840

You deserved it 4 386

By MotherMary - 12/10/2014 13:21 - United States - Park Hills

Spicy

Today, I found out that my boyfriend of three years, who can't get it up for me and has been blaming blood pressure issues, apparently has no problem getting it up while watching the neighbor undress from our window. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 111

You deserved it 5 288

By bluevix - 11/10/2014 01:25 - United States - Stafford

Spicy

Today, a nurse asked my relationship status. I answered, "Married". She then asked if there was any possibility of me being pregnant. I hardly contained my snort, before responding, "No, you have to have sex for that." I'm not sure what's worse, the fact that it's true or her laughter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 871

You deserved it 6 550

bluevix tells us more.

bluevix 5

Saturday 11 October 2014 16:59

Thank you, we're working on it together. It isn't an easy process as it is difficult not to take his disinterest personal, and I have taken it personal (especially early on)... but when you are compatible with your spouse in as many ways as we are. Whilst I may enjoy the idea of sexual intimacy more than him, at least I have someone who loves me as much as I do them. We have plenty of activities we enjoy, but he is more of the asexual type that enjoys a good cuddle versus sex. Which I have learned to enjoy more as we continue on in our marriage.

By housewiththinwalls - 10/10/2014 23:22 - Sweden

Spicy

Today, after getting stressed out by my parents having a serious fight for hours, I'm now listening to their make-up sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 941

You deserved it 3 966

By Anonymous - 10/10/2014 21:51 - United States - Lemont

Spicy

Today, I finally lost my virginity. Too bad it cost me every last shred of self-respect and involved begging a hooker to take my money. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 713

You deserved it 24 331

By TalkDirtyToMe - 10/10/2014 19:33 - New Zealand

Spicy

Today, I finally worked up the nerve to talk dirty to my boyfriend, after he promised not to laugh at me. All seemed well, until I heard laughter. It wasn't him, though; it was his family listening from the other room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 103

You deserved it 7 485

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The Top

Today, I went to a crowded Walmart with the hot new girl I'm dating. It was raining and we had to park far from the entrance. As soon as we got out of my car, she started sprinting to get out of the rain. I ran to catch up and slipped on a metal plate, and did a reverse Superman onto my ass. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 075

You deserved it 5 568

Okaeri! I hope you had a great week out in the cold (most of our southern hemisphere friends don't know what they're missing). Personally, since I discovered this website I couldn't have been better. This week we're welcoming an atypical artist sinc...

I agree, your life sucks 9

You deserved it 11

The Top

Today, I ran into my manipulative ex-boyfriend at a party. We were chatting and I mentioned that the guys I have been seeing lately all turn out to be jerks. He said, "Yeah well, you dumped me and don't deserve to be happy." Apparently he has been creeping and scaring off any guys interested in me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 913

You deserved it 4 143

Today, my supervisor was watching a video of his son. I heard a voice in the background and asked if it was Elmo. It was his wife. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 687

You deserved it 5 910

Today, my fiancé is returning home, so I decided to wax myself, thinking things would get intimate. I warmed the wax strips and set them on the counter. Our cat jumped onto the counter and managed to roll onto one of the strips. Suffice to say, the wrong pussy got a painful waxing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 149

You deserved it 8 152

Today, my brother's girlfriend texted my dad, letting him know they'd got married a few weeks ago. This wouldn't be so bad if we hadn't driven 6 hours to see them yesterday to celebrate their engagement and discuss potential wedding plans, while they went along with it. They even suggested dates. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 498

You deserved it 504

Today, I witnessed my boyfriend sneeze in his hands, and then lick it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 113

You deserved it 3 500

Today, my cat pooped on the floor. After cleaning it up, I’m fairly certain it was not my cat but instead my roommate, who I also suspect is pooping in the litter box. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 930

You deserved it 224