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Kids

Not now, Sweetie

By Redbeard - 24/01/2020 05:00

Today, while we had my husband's boss over, my 3-year-old son decided to burst into the living room naked and yell, "Mum, look! Penis!" and wiggle it around. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 202

You deserved it 372

Don't worry!

By Anonymous - 22/01/2020 01:00

Today, my girlfriend of four months asked me to babysit her four-year-old daughter. All went well, and she texted me to see how she was. I wanted to say “a little ornery”. My phone auto corrected ornery to horny. She didn't appreciate that her four-year-old daughter was a little horny from her boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 953

You deserved it 547

Parenting fail

By Anonymous - 21/01/2020 19:00 - United Kingdom

Today, I left the living room for 3 minutes to make a coffee. When I went back, my 4-year old had found a permanent marker, God knows where, since I don't own a permanent marker. She'd then drawn on her face, the carpet, wall, sofa, both dogs and as an added bonus the TV screen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 993

You deserved it 549

My 21st birthday

By Anonymous - 10/01/2020 14:00

Today, my parents took me to a bar to celebrate my 21st birthday. They brought my little brother, but when the bouncer wouldn't allow him in, they made me wait outside with him while they went in for drinks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 265

You deserved it 540

Three kids?

By Anonymous - 08/01/2020 20:00 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I got the results proving if my ex-girlfriend's kid was mine. The results came back negative and I can't have kids. This wouldn't be a problem if I didn't have 3 kids with my wife. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 191

You deserved it 318

Shooting!

By WittyMoron - 08/01/2020 01:00 - United Kingdom

Today, I was out shooting pigeons with my brother. I decided to climb a tree to get a better view of where they were flying in from. As I perched on a branch and surveyed the skies, my idiot brother mistook me for a pigeon and shot me in the leg. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 107

You deserved it 3 490

Hand sanitizer

By sexlube - 01/01/2020 20:00 - United States - Kirkland

Today, my kid told my wife he's been using the hand sanitizer under our bathroom sink. It's not hand sanitizer, it's a giant bottle of lube.

I agree, your life sucks 1 581

You deserved it 932

I'm still young

By jb123 - 29/12/2019 20:00 - United States - Rock Springs

Today, I was sitting in a waiting room with my two-month-old son. A sweet little old lady came up to me and said, "Maybe if you knew how to keep your legs closed, you wouldn't have a baby at 15, slut." I'm 23 and married. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 026

You deserved it 247

Dirty rice

By Dirtyrice - 24/12/2019 20:00 - United States - Albuquerque

Today, my 8-year-old son decided to make some rice for lunch. When we had it, I noticed a horrid gritty taste. It turns out, he puts dirt in the rice to make "Dirty Rice". FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 745

You deserved it 412

Fatherlessness

By justagirl - 21/12/2019 14:00

Today, my ex started to talk to me again after 3 years. I've been in an amazing relationship for the last 2 years. She let me know she is taking me to court for child support. I didn't even know I had a kid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 530

You deserved it 225

New urinal

By fml9124 - 21/12/2019 05:00

Today, my wife caught our six-year-old son peeing in the bathroom sink. He pulled his little stool up in front, that he uses to brush his teeth, and was peeing in the sink. When we asked why, he said that he wanted to pee like a man, "like we do at football games." My son is using our bathroom sink as an urinal. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 833

You deserved it 328

Warfare

By aproudmom - 16/12/2019 20:00 - United States - Glen Head

Today, after work I came home to find my sons trying to use my tampons as Nerf darts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 768

You deserved it 333

Early wake-up

By Bir - 08/12/2019 14:00 - Nepal

Today, my nephew grabbed my balls to wake me up at 4 AM. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 795

You deserved it 174

Not her fault nor mine

By Shut up loser! - 02/12/2019 03:00

Today, my 4 year-old daughter got royally annoyed at my uncle who won't stop surprise tickling her by poking her waist. When he went for another, she punched him square on the nose, making him a laughing stock. Not accepting that he got owned, he started preaching about child discipline to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 547

You deserved it 464

This is terrible!

By Baddad - 24/11/2019 20:00

Today, as I stepped out the door and heard it lock behind me, I realized I had forgotten both my keys and my baby inside. There's no other way in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 038

You deserved it 1 128

It's not mine, dumbass

By Anonymous - 19/11/2019 01:00

Today, my girlfriend announced to me that she is pregnant and tried to tell me it was mine. I lost both testicles to an infection as a teenager so, no way it’s mine. Somehow, she never made the mental connection that no balls equals no children and no way to convince me I’m the dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 183

You deserved it 220

Lovely parents

By sigh - 18/11/2019 01:00 - Singapore - Singapore

Today, my parents forgot it was my birthday. They ordered me to scrub the common bathroom, and when I asked if they remembered, my dad's reaction was "Oh! Really?" My mom's was "I thought that it was next week." What lovely parents I have. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 346

You deserved it 203

Laundry day

By Anonymous - 05/11/2019 23:45

Today, my 12 year-old brother tried doing laundry for the first time and ruined all my clothes with bleach. When my dad drove him to Walmart to buy replacement clothes for me, he bought me tighty whities. We both have worn boxers our whole lives. My dad won't return them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 095

You deserved it 354

So cute

By "lildale92" - 05/11/2019 02:00

Today, my youngest decided my phone needed a bath in the toilet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 765

You deserved it 304

Hyperviolence

By julieseattle - 28/10/2019 18:00

Today, I was at a restaurant waiting for a table. Some lady walked by, smelling like BO and patchouli oil. I attempted to cover my nose with my sweatshirt, but I thumped a small girl in the process. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 358

You deserved it 330

Fundies say the darndest things

By dazzla08 - 21/10/2019 02:00 - United States

Today, my husband told me doesn't really love me. He only married me because we had a daughter, and his grandmother told him he had to so she wouldn't be "an abomination to God." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 801

You deserved it 253

Call the Midwife-slash-Locksmith

By mama bear - 16/10/2019 18:00

Today, my one-year-old son locked me out of the house. I had no spare key and both him and my 4-month-old decided that was the perfect time to scream bloody murder. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 474

You deserved it 342

Making a Murderer

By CatCreator - 11/10/2019 14:00

Today, my 8-year-old son eagerly showed me a PowerPoint he made. It consisted of REALLY graphic and gory descriptions of a guy getting murdered, complete with pictures from the internet. He was laughing the whole time he was showing me this, and even set one of the images as his desktop background. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 845

You deserved it 347

Stranger Danger!

By tried to help - 07/10/2019 00:01

Today, I was going into a store and saw a woman roughly handling a screaming toddler. I kept walking, until I heard the kid scream, "Help! You’re not my mommy!” I called 911 and stood behind the car to keep her from taking off. The cops arrived to see me fending off blows from a very pissed off grandma. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 529

You deserved it 667

Onan would be proud

By concernedcousin - 05/10/2019 12:00

Today, my little twelve year-old cousin who is staying with us for a while so his parents can "work out issues" ran into my room, his face ghostly white. He begged me to take him to the hospital because he "tugged" on his penis too much in the shower, and was "bleeding milky stuff." Sigh. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 021

You deserved it 195

Jagged Little Pill

By Anonymous - 02/10/2019 22:01

Today, my daughter wanted to show me the tooth she had just lost. As I was in a rush to leave for work, I quickly picked up and swallowed my pill that was on the kitchen table. It was only until I looked back down at the table did I see not only my pill, but one extremely angry daughter glaring at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 564

You deserved it 913

Wig out

By Anonymous - 28/09/2019 18:00

Today, a little girl asked me if I was wearing a toupee. It's my real hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 396

You deserved it 159

Whack-a-Mole

By Anonymous - 28/09/2019 02:01

Today, I had to pick my daughter up from pre-school because she repeatedly hit another kid with a stick. Apparently, my parents have been letting her watch violent action movies again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 516

You deserved it 297

But my babiiiiiiies!

By fmylifeee - 27/09/2019 04:00

Today, my wife and I invited my boss over for dinner, specifically warning her not to bring her children due to our house not being childproof. She surprised us by walking in with her toddlers. They both shat on our carpets, then my dog knocked them into a wall. I guess I'll start looking for another job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 745

You deserved it 215

Duchamp would be proud

By Anonymous - 23/09/2019 12:00

Today, my five year-old niece thought that it would be acceptable to carve her artwork all over our toilet seat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 402

You deserved it 176

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The Top

Today, my wife and I had to rush our dog to the vet for a $700 emergency surgery. The x-ray showed that he had eaten a vibrating cock ring. I've never bought or owned one, so now I've got to deal with the vet bill and lawyer's fees for my soon-to-be ex-wife. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 979

You deserved it 633

Today, I was looking at porn on my laptop when my mom came into my room to talk to me. After she finished what she was saying, she paused and said, "You know, I can see the reflection of your computer screen in your glasses." FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 257

You deserved it 38 080

The Top

Today, I performed a piano piece at a school play. Everything went well until I got up and accidentally smashed my shin against one of the piano legs. Before I could bite my tongue, I'd already yelled "Fucking hell!" in front of about 50 second graders. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 802

You deserved it 5 184

Today, my son came home saying there had been a bad accident where two people died in a crash. This sounded terrible but he then said, "Yeah, I took pictures. Wanna see the bodies? They’re disgusting." Everyone in the house except me jumped up to look at those poor dead people. I raised savages. FML

I agree, your life sucks 543

You deserved it 144

Today, I found a picture my husband had saved on the computer. It was of me, and he had named it "Fatter". FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 215

You deserved it 12 611

Today, my husband's friend and I realised that we have mutual feelings of attraction for each other. We're both in struggling marriages, which we don't want to give up on yet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 619

You deserved it 505

Today, I was shopping for rings with my fiancée. We spent over two hours selecting the perfect ring and diamond to match. When filling out the paperwork I discovered I left my wallet at home. She had to pay the 20% down payment for the ring. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 220

You deserved it 52 067

Today, it was my wedding day. Midway through the ceremony, my visibly drunk uncle stood up and denounced the minister for "preaching yer god shite where it weren't never be welcome". FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 336

You deserved it 2 599