Parents

In my day…

By thanks dad - 01/08/2020 02:02

Today, we were slowly introducing my daughter to the pool to help her get over her terrible fear of water. My father-in-law scoffed, called us pussies, and tossed my daughter straight into the water. When I threw him out, he insisted he was just trying to teach her to swim "the right way." FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 230

You deserved it 285

Misunderstood

By not a phobe - 16/07/2020 08:02

Today, my son told our whole family and all our friends that I kicked him out for being gay. I kicked him out because on more than one occasion he got drunk and sneaked random men in the house while he was supposed to be watching his younger siblings while I worked nights. They believed him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 366

You deserved it 271

Dad of the month

By littl3storm - 11/07/2020 08:08

Today, I found out that my "Dad", the man who couldn't afford to buy me a bed, despite sleeping on the floor for 3+ years, has spent well over $3000 on sex chat lines, as well as cheating us out of child payments. He doesn't understand why I refuse to talk to him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 447

You deserved it 128

Shackled

By Merserve - 09/07/2020 02:00

Today, I went over to confront my parents about how my siblings always get to visit and all I do when I’m over is work on their house or take care of grandma. My mom was very upset. Then she snuck out with my sister, leaving me to take care of grandma until she got back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 826

You deserved it 151

More issues than Vogue

By Anonymous - 04/07/2020 20:00

Today, my wife is grumpy because our son has his first girlfriend and she feels like she’s been replaced. Our son is 32 and surely it’s about damn time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 857

You deserved it 164

Humorless parents are the worst

By druglord - 28/06/2020 14:10

Today, I asked my parents if I could have their old Polaroid camera so I could take artsy pictures, but they got all defensive, because, "Polaroid pictures can’t be traced." So I jokingly said I was using it to take pictures of my drug cartel to have a record of my stocks, and now they think I’m some sort of drug lord. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 347

You deserved it 509

Zoomers zooming

By Anonymous - 26/06/2020 08:08

Today, I was blowing my husband when we heard that distinctive shutter noise, and we realised our daughter had taken a photo of us. Apparently, she meant to take a video because she knows a website where any kind of "spying on people having sex" video will earn her $50. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 775

You deserved it 959

The end of the road

By Anonymous - 17/06/2020 23:04

Today, after my parents treating love like a war, always trying to score some sort of victory over each other, while me and my wife never argued a day in our lives, I’m the one staring down the barrel of divorce, while my parents have been happily married for over 50 years. I just don’t understand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 025

You deserved it 398

Incognito browsing

By Anonymous - 26/05/2020 23:00

Today, my dad is super overprotective and can view my search history through his phone. I'd downloaded the Google app to be able search for things he wouldn't approve of. I just realized I've been making all these searches on my school account. I go to a private school and they can view my search history. FML

I agree, your life sucks 996

You deserved it 2 451

Tense

By Anonymous - 23/05/2020 17:00

Today, my dad happened to mention he proposed to his girlfriend, who I had no idea he was dating. Turns out it's one of my old high school teachers, specifically the bitch who hated me as much as I hated her. My dad is so oblivious, he has no idea WWIII is about to start in our living room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 294

You deserved it 251

Divorced dad energy

By ihatemyex - 23/05/2020 14:00

Today, a woman I’d never met came to my door asking if my kids were ready to go. Obviously I refused to send my kids with a stranger. Apparently she’s my ex's new girlfriend and "has his permission" to come get my kids. Now he’s threatening to take me to court for violating the visitation order. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 596

You deserved it 192

Family ain't all it's cracked up to be

By frogface_fml - 20/05/2020 05:00

Today, I talked to my birth mother for the first time in over 26 years. Five minutes into our conversation, I remembered why I stayed away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 565

You deserved it 240

Impatience

By Anonymous - 15/05/2020 02:00

Today, my dad asked me to help him buy a laptop by searching online. He explicitly said, "When you have time." I decided to shower as I had just woken up. While showering, I was startled by loud banging and my dad angrily asking why I wasn't looking for his laptop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 759

You deserved it 148

Alexa, play "Paranoid" by Black Sabbath

By ugh mom! - 22/04/2020 20:00

Today, my ridiculously paranoid mom was almost arrested after she caused a huge scene outside her apartment's leasing office. She demanded to pay her rent with a money order, even though they’re only accepting online payments due to the quarantine. She thinks they’re trying to steal her information. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 902

You deserved it 209

Stoners of the world unite!

By Andy - 04/04/2020 23:00

Today, I came home to my 60-something year-old father, stoned off his ass, buck naked in our living room, doing a spirited rendition of "Girls Just Want to Have Fun" with an Australian accent and a tambourine. The windows were open. The poor neighborhood children will most likely need therapy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 735

You deserved it 201

Knowledge is power

By mrnikc - 24/03/2020 02:04 - United States

Today, my mother told me the sun was the largest planet in the solar system. When I told her it was a star, she accused me of lying. We had to bring Google into this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 718

You deserved it 146

Slight overreaction?

By Anonymous - 19/03/2020 07:37

Today, my husband and I recently decided not to have kids, because neither of us like children. Learning this, my dad wrote me out of his will and my mother swore on the Bible in church that she’s never going to speak to me again until I obey God's word and start multiplying. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 437

You deserved it 286

Good God, man…

By bloodyhell - 15/03/2020 15:05 - United States

Today, my dad tried to convert me, as he has numerous times before, and asked me why I was an atheist. After giving him a polite explanation and asking him if we could drop the subject, he nodded slowly and said, "You must be menstruating or something. You'll change your mind." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 902

You deserved it 285

We Are Family

By bad dad - 15/03/2020 00:01

Today, I met my paternal grandparents for the first time, since my dad was never in my life and my mom wouldn’t talk about him. According to them, I have at least 28 other siblings from him, and who knows how many that haven’t come forward. No wonder my mom always hated him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 016

You deserved it 133

Not so Karate Kid

By Matthew - 09/03/2020 19:00 - United States - Juneau

Today, my mom told me to do karate with her, and so I said no. Now my mom won't let me do anything until I go do karate with her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 349

You deserved it 346

Badmouth Strikes Again

By Melissa - 08/03/2020 14:00

Today, my 7-year-old sister had to tell my mom to watch her language. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 361

You deserved it 163

Go forth and NOT multiply

By MirandaKristine - 06/03/2020 12:31 - United States - Miami

Today, my dad handed me my refilled birth control prescription. I thanked him, and he replied, "Well, God forbid you run out and reproduce." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 378

You deserved it 336

Winner

By Anonymous - 09/01/2020 20:00

Today, my parents met my fiancée's parents for the first time in a large family gathering two weeks before our formal wedding. Both sets of parents were telling funny stories about our pasts. My dad's story won. He told how I spent a week in jail earlier this year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 133

You deserved it 1 019

Big Brother is watching you

By Anonymous - 20/11/2019 03:00

Today, my boyfriend came to visit from another state. My mom didn't want me to go to his hotel, but I did. When she asked about it, I lied to her and said I didn't go. She the showed me a picture of my car outside his hotel. FML

I agree, your life sucks 983

You deserved it 2 677

Naughty girl

By Anonymous - 31/10/2019 14:00 - Canada - Prince George

Today, my mom found out that I got a tattoo two years ago. She got mad and spanked me. I'm 33 years-old. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 005

You deserved it 501

Alexa, play "All You Need Is Hate" by The Delgados

By Anyonymous_101 - 21/09/2019 14:02

Today, I found out my that my girlfriend's parents hate me, all because they saw me laughing and hanging out with another girl. That other girl was my sister. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 806

You deserved it 95

Special kind of not funny

By BDSarah - 17/09/2019 16:00

Today, my mom introduced me to everyone we met as her "special needs child." They all seemed to believe her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 600

You deserved it 143

Classy Mom

By Meowitzer - 14/09/2019 22:00

Today, I was elected "class mom", even though I didn’t want to do it. I was also handed several envelopes in the hectic school hallway, containing parental cash contributions for the year. I lost several of the envelopes while rushing to my car, and now have to contribute €100 instead of €25. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 289

You deserved it 1 097

Benjamin Button

By TooYoungForThis - 03/09/2019 20:00

Today, my father was helping me move into college. When we arrived, the students helping people move in mistook me for one of the parents. I’m 19. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 557

You deserved it 152

Drunken antics

By DevilsTemptation - 29/08/2019 02:01 - United Kingdom - Dundee

Today, my dad got extremely drunk, so I took away his car keys and left on foot. When I came back, I saw that he had broken down my door. Now my dad is mad at me for not giving him the keys when he was drunk, and I'm door-less. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 777

You deserved it 164

Keywords

Miscellaneous Messy Relatable Awkward Embarrassing Dad jokes Holidays Swimming pool Party Work Cute Family Christmas Kids Love Am I overreacting? Sex Intimacy Ironic Health Annoying Haircut Hair Money I need your advice Parents Gifts Lonely Cars Drunk

The Top

Today, my girlfriend asked what my sexual fantasy was, and I said Catwoman. She got disgusted at me, because according to her, Catwoman is 15 years-old or something. Turns out she has only seen Gotham, featuring Catgirl as a teenager, and not the grown-up Halle Berry version I was talking about. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 632

You deserved it 226

Today, my normally very modest and prissy mom came home, pissed off about something. I asked her what was wrong, but she wouldn't say, and snapped at me to "fuck off." She then grounded me for "making" her use that kind of "vile language." FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 831

You deserved it 3 129

The Top

Today, I was the organist for a wedding. I had practiced for weeks, rehearsed with the choir many times and spent hours stressing. During the wedding march, the electric organ malfunctioned, adding on layers of random notes I didn't play. Guess who got yelled at afterwards. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 581

You deserved it 286

Today, I had to sit and listen to my co-worker moan about how early he has to get up tomorrow to go on his ski holiday in France over Christmas. He also complained about how tiring skiing is. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 869

You deserved it 2 425

Today, I got a letter from the state that I'm being divorced. I've never been married. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 898

You deserved it 301

Today, I was changing my tampon in a public bathroom. As I was about to put the tampon into the sanitary bin, I dropped it and it rolled under the stall next to mine. It was occupied. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 431

You deserved it 1 122

Today, I thought it would be hot to go down on my girlfriend while she was playing a video game on the PC. Unfortunately, someone killed her in game and she wheeled the chair forward in anger, right into my nuts. It took her a few seconds to notice, then she blamed me for getting her killed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 527

You deserved it 724

Today, while babysitting my neighbors' kids, their oldest son used a paint pen on the carpet. The boy blamed me and I got fired. He's only 3 and can barely talk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 206

You deserved it 5 653