Wanker and Intimacy: Caught

Caught

By Boredom - 26/01/2009 21:09 - United States

Today, I tried to suck my own penis. Autofellatio. My mother walked in on me and I flipped backwards off the bed. ER and 10 stiches above my eyebrow later, I asked her not to ever bring it up again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 845

You deserved it 76 244

When Christmas Ends Badly…
Rather than debating politics with Uncle Roger for the umpteenth time, share the best Christmas FMLs to finally have a good family meal! More…

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Same thing different taste

False alarm

By dirtyhands - 18/02/2009 23:01 - United States

Today, I was masturbating on my inflatable air mattress that squeaks when you move. Suddenly, my mom burst into my room to ask if I was okay because she thought the squeaking was me crying. I ripped my hands from my pants and turned on my side; she walked over and grabbed my hands to console me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 529

You deserved it 62 912

Great chat!

By eric - 16/03/2011 07:31 - United States

Today, my mom caught me talking to my penis. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 236

You deserved it 96 460

Self harm

By Embarrassed - 06/12/2018 03:00

Today, I managed to give myself a blowjob and it was great. The only problem is that I got stuck between the wall and my bed while I was doing it. I had to call for help and my whole family came to see what was wrong. They all knew what I was doing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 392

You deserved it 6 229

Play it cool

By Fraser - 08/03/2012 19:03 - Canada

Today, my mother caught me masturbating. Trying to defuse the awkward tension, I said "Oh, I was just thinking about you!" Not a good idea. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 203

You deserved it 56 647

Knock next time please

By Anonymous - 09/11/2020 21:32 - India

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. I was about to suck his dick when my mom walked in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 969

You deserved it 794

Overdoing it a bit

By Anonymous - 12/11/2022 16:00

Today, I masturbated so hard I got a cramp in my forearm muscle so unexpectedly that my hand spasmed, slipped off my penis, and I punched myself in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 431

You deserved it 1 179

You wanker!

By Nik - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I went to the doctor because I broke my wrist. My mom told the nurse that I broke it while masturbating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 456

You deserved it 4 567

By Jared - 25/02/2012 19:09 - United States

Today, I got so bored that I drew a face on my index finger, and made a video of me garrotting it with a string. I ended up rupturing a blood vessel, and had to think up a cover story for my girlfriend to explain my screaming. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 015

You deserved it 30 875

By Anonymous - 25/08/2018 19:30 - United States - Bellerose

Today, I had to get stitches on my nutsack. I didn't know my mom had waxed the bathroom floor, and while I was stepping into the tub to take a shower my feet slipped in different directions. I landed crotch-first on the metal door frame. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 713

You deserved it 193

Hot boy summer

By dumbassbuffet - 11/11/2011 15:53 - Canada

Today, I cut my penis on a desk fan. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 748

You deserved it 84 094

MisterJD 0

Sunday 8 February 2009 15:37

Gravity - you fought the law, and the law won.

Inkspell 2

Friday 13 February 2009 2:01

wait-wtf? why is barely anyone messing with this guy about an attempt at giving himself a *******, that's...friggen disgusting..wth? some of you even ask how to do it and ..wtf?! Well.. i'm only 15..so i woudn't know..but jebus guys, what the blazing balls.

Comments

joemeer 2

Wednesday 22 June 2011 4:23

would you spit or swallow

mjcurreri198 0

Wednesday 6 July 2011 22:37

lmfaoo probably swallow

mjcurreri198 0

Wednesday 6 July 2011 22:37

lmfaoo probably swallow

That1GuyUNo 0

Saturday 2 July 2011 19:25

Hahahahah you. are. such. a. fail. 1. Ironic that you call him stupid when you can't even count to 5 2. You're a fail. 3. You're a fail. 4. You're a fail. 5. You're a fail. 6. You're a fail. 7. You're a fail. 8. I just wanted to get to number 8, it's sad really that you can't even count to 5. You're a fail.