Leave the paragraphs to Neoplasm and keep with the one-liners. You would have done so well :/

I salute you for trying brother. FML is a giant clique, and if you try something that someone in that clique owns, the sea of walkers that is FML will eat you alive. 0.o 'Ruff said.

#9 Yeah looking back it would have been better without the last line. #11 You win some, you lose some I guess.

9- His name's Pleonasm, not Neoplasm. Maybe if you stopped tossing the guy's salad for a second, you'd be able to pronounce it properly.

Who is this abnormal growth "neoplasm.''

Maybe Neoplasm is Pleonasm's evil twin brother that we never knew about? :o

Shrike, do you love him so much you cut yourself everytime he makes a pun? Cuts for pun? :P

Or his alter ego.

I thought I had banished Neoplasm to the depths of the mines of Moria, but alas, it seems he has broken loose! Fly, you fools!

Can tell this guy is still a virgin.

I do believe that the dog has spoken and he didnt like the bed

It seems like she has very strong teeth as it is, being that most dog treats are tasty, yes, but basically designed to strengthen the puppies pearly whites?

That bitch...

Or, OP could start watching the dog whisperer, and start hissing at it like a snake when it's doing something wrong. Or start the painful process of trying to raise it even tho it's already grown. YDI for not training your dog right off the bat.

Disregard #17, she woke up at 3 am to FML and tried to comment.

My cousin convinced me that some dog food was actual cocoa puffs... I understood then why dogs love people food so much.

The homemade dog treats I make are pretty tasty. But then, they're basically a form of sugar and wheat-free peanut cookie. (My dog is allergic to wheat, so I make his cookies. He eats raw meat for meals).

I agree. I trained my dog when he was a puppy to sleep in his own bed. He is allowed to lay in my bed with me, but once it's bedtime he has to sleep in his own bed. While training him I kept his bed on my bed at first, then moved it to the floor, and slowly started moving his bed out of the bedroom. Now he sleeps in his bed just outside my bedroom door. Dogs will walk all over you if you don't train them. OP, I personally wouldn't stand for letting the dog get away with tearing up her new bed either. Make sure she knows that that behavior is unacceptable.

Getting a dog crate is a good start. My dog is allowed to sleep with me when my boyfriend isn't here (or sometimes, even when he is), but if I tell my dog "go to bed", he goes in his crate. And considering he lies in there in the middle of the day, when no one puts him in it, I'd say he's pretty happy to sleep in there.

Your pets should not be going on furniture by themselves. My dog has never been allowed on any couch or bed, but if I did allow him, it would only be if I initiated it (like I called him up). Sounds like your dog may have a bit of a dominance issue, and you are his subordinate. It's honestly not very hard to fix, you just have to actually work at it.

Eh, depends on the dog. Mine is a border collie, crazy smart, and knows exactly WHICH furniture he's allowed on (my bed, but not either of my parents' beds (guest room and master bedroom), the den couch, but not the one in the living room, my armchair, but only if he's wearing his hockey jersey, he's allowed on my lap when we're watching the game, but ONLY then), but if you don't mind pets on the furniture, no reason not to let them. As long as they get down when you tell them to. Jackson will get down off of anything I tell him to, and stay off, but if it's something I don't mind him on, he has free reign to sleep on it whenever he wants. As long as they know you're the one in control. Right now, he's sleeping on my feet. Which is nice. He keeps them warm.

No u need to train ur dog not to sleep in ur bed, it's not hard my dogs big but she knows better and sleeps in her bed.

That's okay. If my lab gets a squeaker toy, within minutes the squeaker and the toy are no longer connected. He doesn't get very many toys now. :P Just Rawhide bones that he eat like candy. It scares me though, he has a fused spin, and the fusion is in his lower back which causes him digestive problems, coupled with the fact no one taught him to chew his food :P. Ahh he's more of a human than dog.

Rawhide chews are super dangerous. Shouldn't give those to your dog. You have no idea how many intestinal blockages I have seen because of rawhide. (I worked for a veterinarian for years).

That sounds like separation anxiety. Might be a good idea to contact a behaviour specialist about that. And maybe invest in a crate, if they recommend it.

Destruction depends on the age of the dog, and also the personality of the dog. My dog wouldn't ever destroy his bed, or pee on anything, but he'll shred Kleenex if you leave it where he can reach it, because he thinks that's fun and outweighs the consequences. If it's a puppy? It's because the dog isn't trained yet. My last dog destroyed the first dog bed we got her. By the time she was a year old? She was fine alone in the house, because she was past the stage where she'd destroy anything. She still had an occasional fondness for the plastic bits on the end of your shoelaces, but I think she chewed maybe six of those in her entire lifetime. Not a big deal, at any rate.