Animals: Today, I no longer need an alarm clock. My cat has learned to...

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By Elizabeth Ann - 19/11/2018 12:00

Today, I no longer need an alarm clock. My cat has learned to jump on my boobs at precisely 7:30 every morning. If I don't get up immediately, she just keeps jumping on my boobs. I'm an E cup. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 650

You deserved it 386

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Same thing different taste

I'm woke now

By Anonymous - 14/08/2024 23:00

Today, my cat woke me up a few minutes before my alarm, so I got up, had a pee, brushed my teeth, got dressed, went downstairs and fed her, started to make a coffee, and glanced at my phone clock. IT'S ONLY 01:30 IN THE FRICKING MORNING, MY ALARM DOESN’T GO OFF FOR ANOTHER 5 HOURS! DAMN CAT! FML

I agree, your life sucks 220

You deserved it 491

Rise and shine

By Anonymous - 29/04/2020 08:00

Today, my cat woke me up at 3 a.m. by jumping from the shelf and landing on my nutsack. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 552

You deserved it 282

By scratchpost - 28/10/2010 12:07 - United States

Today, my cat woke me up by sharpening his claws on my breast. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 935

You deserved it 4 623

By cdn_steed - 23/04/2011 13:11 - United States

Today, at 5:30 in the morning while I was fast asleep, my cat decided the most threatening thing in my apartment that absolutely needed to be attacked was my left nipple. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 975

You deserved it 4 662

Meow!

By patronuscat? - 05/10/2017 01:30

Today, I woke up in a guy's bed to one of his cats licking my nipples. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 634

You deserved it 1 066

By jenA - 21/08/2012 13:04 - United States - Russellville

Today, I realized the fastest way to wake up isn't from an alarm clock. It's from the warm, wet sensation of your old and senile cat peeing on you and your bed. I swear he was smiling. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 867

You deserved it 2 998

Human! I request petting!

By Anonymous - 07/11/2022 06:00

Today, my cat has made a habit of waking me and my husband up every morning by meowing in front of our bedroom door until we get up. This morning, I finally got her to stop, so I went back to bed hoping to sleep in for a while… Only to be kept awake by my husband’s snoring. FML

I agree, your life sucks 737

You deserved it 159

Wake up, human!

By inveralaska - 16/06/2016 21:22 - United Kingdom

Today, I got a kitten. She decided to sleep on my bed, waking me up periodically during the night by biting my face to make sure I was still alive. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 050

You deserved it 2 360

By Jonathan - 13/10/2008 08:27

Today, I woke up next to a beautiful, half-naked brunette in my bed. Two minutes later, my alarm clock woke me up for real. FML

I agree, your life sucks 73 417

You deserved it 19 722

Metal Cat

By Anonymous - 08/02/2021 05:01

Today, my cat jumped on my chest while I was sleeping and head-butted my nose to show she loves me. It was hard enough to crack it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 721

You deserved it 120

Chloe555_fml 27

Monday 19 November 2018 13:45

I hate having these daily Mammograms, Dr Mittens.

ojosRojos 28

Monday 19 November 2018 13:18

Does your boob size really make a difference? I’m not an E cup but that would definitely still hurt me lol

Comments

Scott Killingsworth 3

Tuesday 20 November 2018 19:13

those are some big ass *******

Squidgegg 4

Tuesday 20 November 2018 22:50

Have you considered a door?

Taytaythebabe 7

Thursday 22 November 2018 5:16

Talk to me when your a HHH cup with a German Shepherd that loves to do that to go out in the morning

EmDizzle2007 28

Friday 23 November 2018 5:33

another weird post that mentions the exact size of the breasts like we NEED to know to relate to the story.

bullsonyourface 20

Sunday 13 October 2019 0:59

pics or it didn't happen

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The Top

Today, my boyfriend finally moved out from his parents' house to his friend's flat. Excited that I wouldn't have to be so silent when we had sex anymore, I went over to spend the night. His bedroom is right next to his friend's 4-year-old daughter's room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 114

You deserved it 3 560

Today, I went on a blind date. When I arrived, the guy looked nothing like his profile picture. We started chatting, and things were going fine until he asked, “So, what do you think about my date?” I replied, “Uh, I think it’s going well!” He responded, “I was talking about the waitress. I’m married.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 288

You deserved it 101

The Top

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me by spray-painting it on my locker. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 014

You deserved it 3 715

Today, a policeman and I confronted my psychotic neighbor, who stole my cat because she thinks flea bites cause cancer. She refused to tell us what she'd done with the cat. I just spent $100 last month in vet bills, and my kids are crying for their pet. He's probably in pieces in her freezer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 717

You deserved it 2 772

Today, while I was walking home, a homeless man saw me and didn't ask for change, but how much I charged. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 435

You deserved it 245

Today, a woman came into my work and yelled at me because no one told her the cake she had bought the week before was made of ice cream. She'd hidden it in the cupboard and it melted. I work in Dairy Queen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 478

You deserved it 2 576

Today, my girlfriend and I got into a heated argument at a house party. To avoid a huge scene, I pulled her into another room, during which I managed to trip over my feet and faceplant the floor. She shouted, "Hah! That's what you get!" Now everyone thinks she beat the shit out of me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 082

You deserved it 5 420

Today, I got my first university math midterm back. I did so bad that my teacher put a sadface on the first page. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 657

You deserved it 11 355