Intimacy: New laws - FML

New laws

By Andrew - 23/08/2011 14:46 - United States

Spicy

Today, my grandpa told me what he'd do if he was president. I sat there for 30 minutes listening to how he'd get rid of prisons, send all the prisoners to a desert for 5 years and give them a gun to fight over. And then he'd surgically attach child molesters' penises to their foreheads. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 232

You deserved it 6 408

Winter: Snow and Funny News
Snuggle up and laugh with our winter stories, where snow isn't the only thing sliding around! More…

Previous FML Next FML

Same thing different taste

By onlyjuggalos - 31/01/2016 08:13 - United States

Today, I told my grandpa that I want to join the police force. His response: "You wanna lynch some blacks without the jail time, eh?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 588

You deserved it 2 570

By yeah okay then - 03/08/2012 23:50 - United Kingdom - Brentwood

Today, I decided to be nice and pay a social visit to my slightly deranged grandpa. I ended up politely sitting through two hours of him lecturing me on how he "invented the modern tap", then on how sex is an Illuminati invention to "give sluts the STDs they need to kill us all". FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 982

You deserved it 2 122

By lovingthis - 09/01/2013 16:48 - United States - Largo

Spicy

Today, I walked in on my grandfather smiling at his penis. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 208

You deserved it 5 249

By Anonymous - 07/09/2012 22:59 - Australia - Redland Bay

Today, my grandpa was visiting. My neighbors started blasting out rap music, as they've done nearly 24/7 for months, telling me to fuck off when I complain. He went over and screamed he'd gut them like fish if they didn't pipe down. They did. He's 68 and still more intimidating than me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 579

You deserved it 5 036

Social reform, please

By Pepsi - 06/09/2020 14:02 - United States

Today, I saw my grandfather kick my dog, who is a 6-pound chihuahua, across the room. When I confronted him about it, he screamed at me for having "too much sex during the apocalypse" and "invading my brain with your pancakes." This man is my legal guardian for 3 more years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 764

You deserved it 155

By GoldenSteve - 05/11/2015 15:31 - United States - Humble

Today, my gym teacher ranted about how the government should put all the death row inmates in a coliseum and film them fighting. I guess he lied when he said he only drinks at the weekend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 472

You deserved it 2 546

By kawood - 30/03/2012 11:32 - United States

Spicy

Today, I had to sit in the hospital with my 88-year-old grandfather by myself. During the five hours I was there, he insisted on sharing the intimate details of his many sexcapades that he has had since World War II. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 533

You deserved it 3 118

By therewasnocurtain - 06/04/2015 20:07 - United States - Lewiston

Spicy

Today, I visited my sick grandpa for a few hours in the hospital. His roommate, also an elderly man, wouldn't stop masturbating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 123

You deserved it 2 543

By notsoclean - 24/12/2010 21:14 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was at the dentist's, getting my teeth cleaned. He thought it would be funny to suddenly go on in detail about the fantastic sex he and his wife had the night before. I was unable to speak the entire time. The dentist is my grandpa. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 487

You deserved it 3 697

No contact from now on

By lordoftheweird - 13/08/2023 08:00 - Canada

Spicy

Today, I had to explain to my family why using a registered sex offender as a babysitter is a bad idea. They didn't understand and now my grandmother can't see her grandkids, and my dad is facing a lengthy prison sentence. FML

I agree, your life sucks 566

You deserved it 90

Next

Top comments

oops_im_fucked 8

Tuesday 23 August 2011 18:53

Vote Op's grandpa!!! 2012!!!

iAmScrubs 19

Tuesday 23 August 2011 18:53

I'm going to get myself a bumper sticker that says "OP's grandpa 2012".

Comments

trish09x 0

Wednesday 24 August 2011 9:10

He has my vote :)

SadFace9351 2

Wednesday 24 August 2011 9:13

id vote for your grandpa no lie

stupidpollock 4

Wednesday 24 August 2011 9:44

has my vote

gunman15 4

Wednesday 24 August 2011 9:45

no prison sounds good vote 2012 random Grampa ;)(:):)

kattyeyedkay 0

Wednesday 24 August 2011 9:46

Can I meet him?!?! Lol

chandlermichelle 0

Wednesday 24 August 2011 9:50

Dude, your grandpa rocks! Lol

BumbleRoo 0

Wednesday 24 August 2011 9:56

Old people are so funny

daniellestatt 0

Wednesday 24 August 2011 10:11

thats what i would do xD

Mokiikom_fml 8

Wednesday 24 August 2011 10:28

AWESOME GRANDPA IS AWESOME! :D

ashleii2010 0

Wednesday 24 August 2011 11:19

Sounds like a pretty cool grandpa to me TBH (:

20
21
22
23
24
25
26
27
28
29

Keywords

Animals Gross Poopoo peepee Cats Smells Love Awkward Embarrassing Miscellaneous Health Painful First Dates Christmas Work Social Media Grieving Music Anniversary Boredom Ironic Intimacy Abuse Alcohol AITA Transportation Am I overreacting? Drunk Parents Gun control Kids

The Top

Today, even though my bitch of a baby mama makes ten times what I make, the courts are still forcing me to pay child support for the two kids I never wanted. I’m way too busy with my life to have custody of them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 116

You deserved it 883

Today, it was my first time having sex with this guy. After a few second he stops, sits in the corner of his room buff-naked, with his knees up and his hands on his face. He then pouts and claims it was his worst performance ever. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 036

You deserved it 4 225

The Top

Today, I caught my husband masturbating to porn. I screamed at him and demanded to know why he was masturbating when he has a wife to have sex with. He said, "Because you always reject me?" I was about to yell back when I realized he was right. I'm a terrible wife. FML

I agree, your life sucks 110

You deserved it 982

Today, I had to choke back tears as my cockslap of a brother brutally mocked me for being a 25-year-old loser who's never been kissed by a girl, while at 14 he's already lost his virginity. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 196

You deserved it 4 688

Today, the most action I had on Valentine's day was a homeless guy pulling his dick out at me as I walked home from work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 064

You deserved it 1 932

Today, I had the most action in months when I woke up to a wet dream. I'm married, I guess that tells you all about my sex life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 001

You deserved it 163

Today, I found out that the gentle, adorable oral surgeon who took out my wisdom teeth last year was recently arrested for rape. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 177

You deserved it 2 876

Today, I graduated with my Bachelor's degree. The excitement didn't last too long because I broke my elbow by tripping over a stick at my graduation dinner. Definitely not intoxicated, just clumsy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 591

You deserved it 170