Sex, Awkward and Intimacy: Smooth talker

Smooth talker

By ugh - 31/01/2012 00:25 - United States

Today, I was getting intimate with my girlfriend. It was going well until she started talking dirty, saying stuff like, "You like my tushy, baby?" "I want to fellate you so bad," and "You'll need some ice after this one." My boner practically retracted into my body. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 969

You deserved it 5 604

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Same thing different taste

By Anonymous - 27/02/2015 19:37 - United States - Roseville

Today, while having sex, my fiancé started talking dirty. I enjoyed it, until he had a brain fart and said, "God, you love fucking my pussy." FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 000

You deserved it 4 306

By shallowvomit1013 - 23/12/2009 01:09 - United States

Today, my girlfriend came over to my house. Hoping to get a little action, i started to make out with her. Unfortunately I was wearing basketball shorts so when I got an erection all she did was bat it back forth like a cat toy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 044

You deserved it 5 428

By princess - 12/04/2014 21:01 - United States - San Marcos

Today, my boyfriend and I were getting frisky, and I whispered that I love him. He immediately lost his boner, and a few minutes later "remembered" he had to be somewhere else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 588

You deserved it 7 162

By bad in the sack - 05/07/2014 04:26 - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I were having sex. She was on top, and then stopped, got off, and said, "Let's go get ice cream." I think this was her way of telling me I suck at sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 167

You deserved it 11 465

Miscommunication

By Anonymous - 25/10/2012 05:45 - United States

Today, I was getting intimate with my girlfriend. When she went to give me a blow job, I got embarrassed and told her I'd rather just please her instead. Now she thinks she's inadequate and I'm being a jerk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 709

You deserved it 18 568

By StretchNuts - 11/03/2010 12:50 - United States

Today, while getting it on with my wife, I started to talk dirty to her. She started laughing. When I asked her if she wanted me to stop, she just kept on laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 468

You deserved it 4 825

By shit.... - 08/11/2012 18:25 - Malaysia - Kuala Selangor

Today, I was making out with my girlfriend, and things started getting pretty hot. That is, until I tried to remove her shirt. Somehow, I managed to grab her pajama shorts and give her a violent wedgie. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 636

You deserved it 31 360

Booming

By Anonymous - 26/04/2013 22:22 - United States - Arvada

Today, things got pretty steamy between my boyfriend and me. We started doing stuff that neither of us had tried before. Then, he straddled me with a raging erection and boomed, "IT HAS RISEN!" He didn't understand why I was suddenly no longer in the mood. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 933

You deserved it 10 195

By Something I said? - 05/11/2013 15:26 - United States - Bronx

Today, as my wife and I were getting intimate, I thought I would try a little "dirty talk". I whispered in her ear that I would "dick her down good". She couldn't stop laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 056

You deserved it 59 092

By sixsix - 24/12/2008 11:19 - France

Today, I made love to my girlfriend. I penetrated her for a while, then stopped to get my breath back... She carried on moaning even though I'd stopped moving. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 178

You deserved it 8 661

Glitterhinoceros 14

Tuesday 31 January 2012 3:05

Yeah, that's not very attractive >.>

GrooveTurtle 0

Tuesday 31 January 2012 3:05

She be trollin?

Comments

metallicshadow 16

Tuesday 31 January 2012 3:20

is your girlfriend Starfire?

SlyTendencies 1

Tuesday 31 January 2012 6:58

Starfire was the hottest chick I knew when I was 13. Wonder how shes doing now?

stevenJB 25

Tuesday 31 January 2012 7:15

Yay starfire! But I like raven better :3

heyred 11

Tuesday 31 January 2012 3:21

Can you imagine her humiliation if she knew you posted this? At least she tried.

justanotherrando_fml 2

Tuesday 31 January 2012 3:21

Is she black?

tennis06 7

Tuesday 31 January 2012 3:22

doesn't matter had sex

hayyyyleyyyybaby_fml 14

Tuesday 31 January 2012 9:31

oh my fricken god, you are not even remotely funny

KunoKanashimi 3

Tuesday 31 January 2012 12:51

Little late there, sunshine.

chris3113 7

Tuesday 31 January 2012 3:24

lol tushy?? who says that now

sarahbear992 6

Tuesday 31 January 2012 6:32

who said that ever after the age of 5...?

WeHateLife 0

Tuesday 31 January 2012 3:26

are you dating a 78 year old woman?

t765234 10

Tuesday 31 January 2012 12:54

Either that or a seven year old.

SkywardSWORD 2

Tuesday 31 January 2012 3:27

HaHaHaHaHa, tell her to shut it next time.

starkes 0

Tuesday 31 January 2012 3:30

Lol

starkes 0

Tuesday 31 January 2012 3:32

Her:you like my tushy baby?Me:thinking WTF?

head2133 12

Tuesday 31 January 2012 3:33

Ew i feel the same way just from reading this

Keywords

Awkward Friends Love Cute Miscellaneous Haircut Relatable Cars You're fired Work Kids Parenting Family DIY Cats Am I overreacting? Intimacy Sex Management Poopoo peepee Capitalism Coworkers Frustration Animals ADHD Dogs Transportation Dating Health Anxiety

The Top

Today, my parents told me that unless I think about my behaviour and make some real changes, people are going to think I’m weird or suspicious, and I’ll never make friends. This is because I choose to attend church on Sundays instead of watching TV and getting drunk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 344

You deserved it 250

Today, I had to pick up my brother and his girlfriend from the bar at 2:00am because they were too drunk to drive themselves and had no money for an Uber. Five minutes into the ride, they started going at it in the back of my car. I don't think I'll be doing favors again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 655

You deserved it 532

The Top

Today, my mom found out that I got a tattoo two years ago. She got mad and spanked me. I'm 33 years-old. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 002

You deserved it 501

Today, after spending $15,000 to treat my dog's cancer over the past two months, he died of kidney failure. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 655

You deserved it 19 810

Today, without thinking, I casually advised my mum that the best way to get the piping nozzle clean is to 'fingerfuck' it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 925

You deserved it 4 869

Today, my mother-in-law sent me a pedometer for my birthday. I've been confined to a wheelchair for most of my life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 026

You deserved it 2 161

Today, I learned that the cancer patient in a foreign country I sent money too from an ad on TikTok was a deepfake AI used by scammers. I thought I'd actually helped someone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 128

You deserved it 974

Today, I decided to start working out. I made a bit of Internet research, and I found out about my body type. The first and only example that popped up is Natalie Portman. Oh, by the way, I’m a 16 year-old dude. FML

I agree, your life sucks 722

You deserved it 166

Smooth talker

Same thing different taste

Miscommunication

Booming

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