Intimacy: Today, I put on some sexy lingerie, ready to have some fun with... - FML

By Anonymous - 27/06/2014 23:50 - United States - Parker

Spicy

Today, I put on some sexy lingerie, ready to have some fun with my husband. I found him in the living room, opening a bag of doritos in front of the TV. He saw me and understood. Then he looked back at the doritos, then back at me and said gravely, "No way, babe. No way." FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 930

You deserved it 7 677

When Christmas Ends Badly…
Rather than debating politics with Uncle Roger for the umpteenth time, share the best Christmas FMLs to finally have a good family meal! More…

Previous FML Next FML

Same thing different taste

Dirty talk

By Anonymous - 05/12/2010 06:57 - United States

Spicy

Today, I felt like spicing up our marriage, so I thought I'd surprise my husband when he got home from work. I put on my sexiest teddy, lit some candles, and laid on the bed. He walked in the room, looked at me for a second, farted, then asked me what was for dinner. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 306

You deserved it 4 750

Smooth talking

By ...thanks honey - 18/08/2010 06:23 - United States

Spicy

Today, I put on my new sexy lingerie to get my husband in the mood after work. When I walked into the kitchen where he was reading the newspaper, he eyed me and simply said, "Honey, please, your stomach is the biggest turnoff ever." FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 621

You deserved it 15 055

Jumping to conclusions

By Anonymous - 08/03/2015 10:33 - United Kingdom - The Hyde

Spicy

Today, I decided to put on some sexy lingerie and wait for my husband to come home to surprise him. He took one look at me and immediately accused me of cheating. He was convinced my explanation was a lie and that I'd rushed some guy out the back door when he came home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 773

You deserved it 3 573

Turn it off

By Anonymous - 26/03/2022 06:00

Spicy

Today, I got dressed up in lingerie for my boyfriend. He looked at me, said, "Nice," then went back to watching TV and drinking beer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 159

You deserved it 171

Expectations

By Anonymous - 02/01/2022 05:01 - United States

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend and I are on vacation. He was watching TV, and I thought I’d try to be sexy, so I walked in wearing lingerie. He smiled at me and said, “What the hell are you wearing?” FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 522

You deserved it 216

By Anonymous - 03/01/2011 08:42 - United States

Spicy

Today, I put on a lacy dress with nothing underneath and walked nonchalantly into the living room. My husband took one look at me, let out a heavy sigh and said, "Right now?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 770

You deserved it 5 061

By canispankthat - 01/10/2010 11:07 - United States

Spicy

Today, I caught my husband modeling my cute floral panties. All he could manage to say was "I love you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 727

You deserved it 4 870

Classic dude moment

By Two hundred down - 06/08/2023 22:00 - United States

Spicy

Today, my husband hasn’t touched me in ages. I bought sexy lingerie and walked around the house in them. My husband wouldn’t budge. When I asked him why he didn't want to get physical, he told me, “You want me to be honest? Do some sit ups and butt squats, then I’ll be all over you like cheese on macaroni.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 660

You deserved it 275

By Tonya - 28/06/2009 03:01 - United States

Today, I left the house for a while and when I came back my husband was wearing my lacy lingerie. He looks better in it than I do. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 246

You deserved it 7 781

By lollipopp56 - 26/03/2009 06:09 - Canada

Spicy

Today, I wanted to surprise my boyfriend by dressing up in sexy lingerie. When I went to answer the door he was standing there with a shocked expression, his friends parked in the driveway had the same expression as well. He came to break up with me. He told me after we had sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 149 371

You deserved it 13 808

Next

Top comments

DonkeyTeeth2013 22

Saturday 28 June 2014 5:51

His priorities are straight.

jad0016 12

Saturday 28 June 2014 5:52

Haha well Doritos are pretty damn good

Comments

giannalsf 9

Sunday 29 June 2014 4:24

Never get between a man and his doritos

imslappy 8

Sunday 29 June 2014 13:35

wish my other half would do that I would jump on her....

McMelons 9

Sunday 29 June 2014 13:44

He'll regret it when he is too fat from all the dorritos to have sex

Thatguy334 7

Sunday 29 June 2014 19:23

Are you sure you're his wife and not his beard?

SushiStarfish 2

Sunday 29 June 2014 20:27

fifa hurts us all

airportlad 4

Sunday 29 June 2014 21:06

A wise man

Kittun 17

Sunday 29 June 2014 21:12

Darn it. Now I need Doritos.

soccerdennis 1

Sunday 29 June 2014 21:42

Nice haha

linjizzy 6

Monday 30 June 2014 9:52

Next Doritos commercial

babeababe 16

Monday 30 June 2014 10:16

That could be a winning Doritos commercial!

5
6
7
8
9
10

Keywords

Awkward Friends Love Miscellaneous Cute Haircut Relatable Cars You're fired Work Parenting Kids Family Cats DIY Am I overreacting? Sex Intimacy Management Poopoo peepee Capitalism Coworkers Frustration ADHD Dogs Animals Transportation Dating Health Anxiety

The Top

Today, I annoyed my friend by texting him "Meow" over and over at random times of the day because when he's drunk he meows in his sleep. Apparently a great way to get back at me was to tell my parents I wasn't a virgin, and that I got high on Wednesday. He had pictures to prove it for both. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 634

You deserved it 68 713

Today, I caught my husband of 13 years looking at other women in Instagram. FML

I agree, your life sucks 202

You deserved it 420

The Top

Today, I saw my brother on TV after 3 years of no contact. He was being arrested on Cops. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 164

You deserved it 4 043

Today, a woman rear-ended my car. She's trying to sue me for 'emotional damage'. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 746

You deserved it 1 032

Today, I signed up for a dating site and used a photo of my mother and me at a wedding. Everyone stops responding when they find out they're talking to me and not her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 807

You deserved it 9 187

Today, my son's plan is to become an entrepreneur, even though this requires having a brilliant idea worth money. This is the same guy who got fired from Subway for deliberately dropping bread on the floor so he could steal it from the bin later. I'm gonna kick him in the asscrack before the month is over, I know it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 883

You deserved it 171

Today, I was jogging, and I saw a little boy walking. Crying and all alone. Thinking that he was probably lost, I asked to him with my sweetest voice: 'Hi there, did you lose somebody?' He screamed terrified and ran away. This is the second time this has happened to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 645

You deserved it 5 786

Today, arriving home with my boyfriend after a night away, we opened our bedroom door to find his younger brother and a girl naked in our bed. She looked at me, looked at him and said, "Ew. Who's that?" She then asked for a pair of socks, because she had, "rank feet". FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 399

You deserved it 432