Intimacy: Today, I ran out of my usual hand lotion that I use for 'me time'....

By Metime - 05/11/2009 04:17 - United States

Today, I ran out of my usual hand lotion that I use for 'me time'. I instead decided to try and us my after shave lotion as a replacement. Apparently, my member doesn't agree with one of the ingredients, and has now swollen to the size of my fist. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 676

You deserved it 33 477

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Same thing different taste

By Colton - 20/12/2011 02:29 - United States

Today, I grabbed some lotion to have a good old wank. However, I'd got it a bit wrong in my rush to spurt my man-mush into an old gym sock, and had picked up some concentrated bronzer. I now have neon-orange hands and genitals. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 977

You deserved it 50 588

recoils in horror

By Anonymous - 07/11/2017 06:00

Today, I am violently allergic to my boyfriend's new hand cream. I know this because after last night's quickie on the sofa, I now have a rash all over my skin and weeping sores inside my vagina and around my bum hole. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 728

You deserved it 877

Ouch

By Jackmeister - 03/11/2018 03:00

Today, I jacked off in the shower using soap with scrubbing beads in it. My penis is so chaffed, it hurts to put on pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 348

You deserved it 7 359

Tanned

By caughtorangehanded - 01/10/2010 22:12 - United States

Today, I found out my older brother put tanning lotion in the lotion I use to masturbate with. Now I have orange palms and an orange penis which won't go away for weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 918

You deserved it 46 336

By Steve - 24/02/2011 19:32 - United States

Today, I put aftershave on my fingers to encourage myself to stop biting my nails. I absentmindedly rubbed my eye a few minutes later. It burnt like hell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 678

You deserved it 36 219

Itchy and scratchy

By Anonymous - 27/07/2021 00:01

Today, it turned out the razor I used for manscaping wasn't as new and sharp as I'd thought. My entire crotch is now overcome with an unfathomable amount of razor burn. FML

I agree, your life sucks 733

You deserved it 368

By MIND BLOWING - 20/10/2012 13:57 - Canada - Toronto

Today, after waking up from a drunken night, I realized the burning sensation I had from the lube during sex was because I used hand sanitizer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 249

You deserved it 39 771

By Enanimus - 25/09/2015 18:45 - United States - Mountain View

Today, I found out I'm allergic to my wife's new medicated handcream after I came down with a nasty, itchy rash on my chest, stomach, cock, and balls. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 713

You deserved it 2 999

Rash beard

By Rashbeard - 05/01/2020 01:00

Today, I was eating out with my partner, and we decided to use the new lube we bought. Things went great until I later realized I was allergic to it and a large red rash spread all across my mouth and chin. It won't go away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 812

You deserved it 441

By Anonymous - 25/10/2014 01:32 - United States - Grand Rapids

Today, I ran a hand down my freshly shaven leg to appreciate the smoothness, only to come up with a hand covered in blood. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 587

You deserved it 5 550

MaddogTotten 0

Thursday 5 November 2009 9:23

I would buy a shitton of that stuff.

jchansfan 0

Thursday 5 November 2009 9:54

You sir, are an idiot. lmao Haven't you ever watched Home Alone? lmao

Comments

Improbability 0

Thursday 5 November 2009 19:56

This is by far one of the dumbest things I've ever heard. That and someone using Icy Hot. Not sure which is more stupid at the moment...

tsubasa_fml 0

Tuesday 24 November 2009 4:17

HAHA reminds me of the time my friend accidentally got pepper spray on his hands then went and masturbated. he screamed like a girl for hours.

rikard_fml 0

Saturday 27 February 2010 13:38

friend fail!

not_my_life 0

Thursday 5 November 2009 20:17

I remember an Eddie Murphy routine about that. His grandmother asked him "Baby, baby, why you put your d**k in the sink?"

LikeOhMahGoose 0

Thursday 5 November 2009 22:26

Uh no shit there's alcohol in that stuff dumbass. And no. It is not good. It is swollen meaning puffy and disgusting not bigger and I don't see why size matters anyway. But you're a dumbass ydi

magiczipperman 0

Thursday 5 November 2009 23:20

dude YDI all the way. where was the logic when u thought "oh this stuff that i put on my face that makes i sting would definitely feel good on my penis"

hogermite 0

Friday 6 November 2009 3:17

intoxicunt is one of those bitches who takes every comment as a slight against women and feels the need to defend herself.....you forget your place. you are on this earth to make sammwiches, open your legs when asked to, and service men with outstanding fellatio when you are bleeding. remember, women are to be seen, not heard. although, judging from your picture, I wouldn't mind never seeing your ugly FACE ever again.

omghehehe 0

Friday 6 November 2009 5:47

What??! Idk about your 1st and last sentence, but the rest??? You're joking right??? LOL :D Or......do u hate women?? WTF?! I hope you don't hit your women too I truly hope it was a joke and your not really like this (sigh)

perdix 29

Friday 6 November 2009 15:11

hogermite, I'm sure your mom is proud of you. Did you send her a copy of this brilliant comment? I think she'd be so proud of what kind of man she brought into the world.