Intimacy: Today, I ran out of my usual hand lotion that I use for 'me time'....

By Metime - 05/11/2009 04:17 - United States

Today, I ran out of my usual hand lotion that I use for 'me time'. I instead decided to try and us my after shave lotion as a replacement. Apparently, my member doesn't agree with one of the ingredients, and has now swollen to the size of my fist. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 676

You deserved it 33 477

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Same thing different taste

By Colton - 20/12/2011 02:29 - United States

Today, I grabbed some lotion to have a good old wank. However, I'd got it a bit wrong in my rush to spurt my man-mush into an old gym sock, and had picked up some concentrated bronzer. I now have neon-orange hands and genitals. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 977

You deserved it 50 588

recoils in horror

By Anonymous - 07/11/2017 06:00

Today, I am violently allergic to my boyfriend's new hand cream. I know this because after last night's quickie on the sofa, I now have a rash all over my skin and weeping sores inside my vagina and around my bum hole. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 728

You deserved it 877

Ouch

By Jackmeister - 03/11/2018 03:00

Today, I jacked off in the shower using soap with scrubbing beads in it. My penis is so chaffed, it hurts to put on pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 348

You deserved it 7 359

Tanned

By caughtorangehanded - 01/10/2010 22:12 - United States

Today, I found out my older brother put tanning lotion in the lotion I use to masturbate with. Now I have orange palms and an orange penis which won't go away for weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 918

You deserved it 46 336

By Steve - 24/02/2011 19:32 - United States

Today, I put aftershave on my fingers to encourage myself to stop biting my nails. I absentmindedly rubbed my eye a few minutes later. It burnt like hell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 678

You deserved it 36 219

Itchy and scratchy

By Anonymous - 27/07/2021 00:01

Today, it turned out the razor I used for manscaping wasn't as new and sharp as I'd thought. My entire crotch is now overcome with an unfathomable amount of razor burn. FML

I agree, your life sucks 733

You deserved it 368

By MIND BLOWING - 20/10/2012 13:57 - Canada - Toronto

Today, after waking up from a drunken night, I realized the burning sensation I had from the lube during sex was because I used hand sanitizer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 249

You deserved it 39 771

By Enanimus - 25/09/2015 18:45 - United States - Mountain View

Today, I found out I'm allergic to my wife's new medicated handcream after I came down with a nasty, itchy rash on my chest, stomach, cock, and balls. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 713

You deserved it 2 999

Rash beard

By Rashbeard - 05/01/2020 01:00

Today, I was eating out with my partner, and we decided to use the new lube we bought. Things went great until I later realized I was allergic to it and a large red rash spread all across my mouth and chin. It won't go away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 812

You deserved it 441

By Anonymous - 25/10/2014 01:32 - United States - Grand Rapids

Today, I ran a hand down my freshly shaven leg to appreciate the smoothness, only to come up with a hand covered in blood. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 587

You deserved it 5 550

MaddogTotten 0

Thursday 5 November 2009 9:23

I would buy a shitton of that stuff.

jchansfan 0

Thursday 5 November 2009 9:54

You sir, are an idiot. lmao Haven't you ever watched Home Alone? lmao

Comments

Punkartmama 0

Thursday 5 November 2009 12:56

If it stings/burns when applied to your face, how did you really expect this to turn out?

kile88 2

Thursday 5 November 2009 13:10

hello.. lVaseline.. baby oil.. soap even?? WTF

JoeDotPadilla 0

Thursday 5 November 2009 13:56

That's disturbing. I'm emotionally scarred and will end up badly.

perdix 29

Thursday 5 November 2009 14:16

Don't worry, it's not going to stay that way for long. You've caused irreversible damage to the blood vessels and nerves, so your penis will go numb, shrivel up, turn many colors and fall off altogether in just a few short days. Problem solved.

HarperGirl 4

Wednesday 18 November 2009 16:57

I KNOW YOUR JOKING ABOUT IT FALLING OFF OBVIOUSLY BUT ARE YOU JOKING ABOUT HIM NOT BEING ABLE TO FEEL ANYMORE

1221jamw 11

Tuesday 14 September 2010 5:09

harpergirl- you obviously have never seen any of perdix's posts.

getreadysetfml 0

Thursday 5 November 2009 14:47

... :O ...:D me likee no fml here

DynamicDave 11

Thursday 5 November 2009 15:11

Don't worry! Before long, it'll be back to the size of a thumbtack!

FromCFL 0

Thursday 5 November 2009 15:40

Shampoo...conditioner...soap...mayonnaise...peanut butter...spit...snot.... YDI for being an idiot.

Dazzozo 0

Thursday 5 November 2009 16:36

Wait, snot?

ojosverdes26 6

Thursday 5 November 2009 16:48

I heard shampoo can hurt really bad... And peanut butter? WTF? You want peanut butter to get stuck in your peehole? You'll smell like Reese's Pieces for days.

Zfontaine04 8

Wednesday 9 May 2012 14:37

Someones been buisy XD

jcbinglis 7

Wednesday 13 March 2013 4:16

Shampoo only hurts if you get one that has a bunch of chemicals. The more natural ones don't hurt.

ojosverdes26 6

Thursday 5 November 2009 16:46

Hahaha... It probably looks like he has a constant erection in his pants now. Hey, maybe the OP will pick up some women. And, hopefully, by the time they get down and dirty, his dick won't be swollen anymore...

AHS79 0

Wednesday 20 July 2011 5:16

obviously he cant get anything anyways

perdix 29

Thursday 5 November 2009 16:48

Oh, Mercy, you make the memories come flooding back. I remember those "Members Only" jackets had those words embroidered right at the top of the little pocket. In the 80's, I used to tell people that the only thing you can put in that pocket is your penis. For the record, I had a blue one. A Members Only jacket, that is, not a member. . . well, except the time I tried that rubber band trick, but let's not talk about that.