Intimacy, Health and Wanker: Ouch - FML

Ouch

By Jackmeister - 03/11/2018 03:00

Spicy

Today, I jacked off in the shower using soap with scrubbing beads in it. My penis is so chaffed, it hurts to put on pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 348

You deserved it 7 360

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Same thing different taste

By soapy - 01/10/2011 16:08 - Canada

Today, while taking a shower, my back hair caused so much friction against the bar of soap, it stuck for a good second before coming free. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 075

You deserved it 8 935

By Anonymous - 24/11/2018 09:30 - United States - Henderson

Today, I decided to take a relaxing shower. My face mask made my face break out in hives. While exfoliating, my nipples became chafed. Then I slipped and cut myself while shaving. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 691

You deserved it 352

By Metime - 05/11/2009 04:17 - United States

Spicy

Today, I ran out of my usual hand lotion that I use for 'me time'. I instead decided to try and us my after shave lotion as a replacement. Apparently, my member doesn't agree with one of the ingredients, and has now swollen to the size of my fist. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 676

You deserved it 33 481

Pissed

By Matt - 13/04/2024 09:00 - United States

Today, at work, I wet my pants. I had to throw my tighty-whities away. Since I didn't have underwear on, I chafed real bad and got a rash on my butthole and near my balls. I had to push my boyfriend off of me, all because it hurt too much to touch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 182

You deserved it 530

Take it easy on yourself

By Anonymous - 25/04/2022 00:01

Spicy

Today, I came back home from a holiday with family. Finally being on my own, I did some catching up on my masturbation. I have jerked off so much and/or so vigorously, I now have a carpet burn on my penis. FML

I agree, your life sucks 320

You deserved it 1 660

Snowflake

By Bullocks - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States - Rochester

Today, while I was at work in a machine shop, I cut myself really bad. Not with any of the sharp tools, drills, or metals I work with. Just the soap dispenser. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 572

You deserved it 4 535

Sexy moves

By what sex life? - 02/08/2016 06:26 - United States - Nashville

Spicy

Today, while in the shower with my boyfriend, I tried to heat things up by washing his knob with my loofa. He couldn't stop laughing and eventually laughed so hard that he slipped and fell. He now has a bruised butt while I have a missing toenail from catching his fall. Ouch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 291

You deserved it 2 896

By Colton - 20/12/2011 02:29 - United States

Spicy

Today, I grabbed some lotion to have a good old wank. However, I'd got it a bit wrong in my rush to spurt my man-mush into an old gym sock, and had picked up some concentrated bronzer. I now have neon-orange hands and genitals. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 977

You deserved it 50 589

Rubbing it in

By Anonymous - 12/03/2022 22:00

Spicy

Today, since splitting up with my girlfriend, I’ve watched so much porn I think I’ve given myself a friction burn on my clit, so now not only does it hurt to even walk normally, it’s way too painful to masturbate, so I’m now horny all the frigging time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 570

You deserved it 1 271

By Philip - 17/02/2017 16:00 - Australia

Spicy

Today, my roommate told me that when he takes a shower he likes to swipe the bar of soap in between his butt cheeks, "like a credit card." I use that soap on my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 875

You deserved it 1 659

Next

Top comments

NostalgiaFreak9 41

Saturday 3 November 2018 3:47

Congrats, you just failed No Nut November.

Brian Brown_512904633 10

Saturday 3 November 2018 3:04

I have some course sandpaper. They say it great if you like it rough.

Comments

BurnInDemonFire 34

Thursday 18 October 2018 21:22

I should console you, but I'm too busy laughing. What the hell made you think that was a good idea?

Yudith 24

Sunday 4 November 2018 2:13

Double Pleasure condoms?

RichardPencil 30

Saturday 3 November 2018 3:02

You should have aborted the mission way before you reached the point of no return!

Brian Brown_512904633 10

Saturday 3 November 2018 3:04

I have some course sandpaper. They say it great if you like it rough.

RichardPencil 30

Saturday 3 November 2018 4:43

Coarse

snake_gal 8

Saturday 3 November 2018 7:06

it's a college course on sandpaper

whiskey'swino 15

Saturday 3 November 2018 3:20

I'm a girl and even I know lotion for the motion.

swervelol 28

Saturday 3 November 2018 3:37

My face soap has little beads in there and I hope to God that you weren't using someone's face soap and just put it back. Sorry about your pp op but you kind of deserve that one.

NostalgiaFreak9 41

Saturday 3 November 2018 3:47

Congrats, you just failed No Nut November.

ChromoTec 24

Saturday 3 November 2018 4:24

This is what happens when you fail no-nut November

Chloe555_fml 27

Saturday 3 November 2018 4:27

Next time, conditioner. If there is a next time, lol!

EpicOracle 23

Saturday 3 November 2018 10:07

on the brighter side, you just exfoliated your dick. congrats :)

Phillycheeze 20

Saturday 3 November 2018 11:53

Dude... It's ok to rub one out. But man you beat that thing like it owed you money.... ouch! Hope you heal soon...

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The Top

Today, my 3-year-old pooped his pants in a public bathroom. As I was squatting down, doing my best to clean poop off of his legs and the floor, a wasp flew up my pant leg. I was stung four times before I danced it out of my pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 060

You deserved it 1 845

Today, while eating dinner, my child picked up a piece of their chicken off the floor and put it in their mouth. It wasn’t until during bath time did I realize it wasn't chicken but poop that fell out of their diaper. FML

I agree, your life sucks 170

You deserved it 358

The Top

Today, my daughter apparently has had enough of my mother-in-law's favoritism and constant bashing of me by telling her, "Grandma, might I highly recommend death at this point?" She's 7. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 457

You deserved it 397

Today, my boyfriend called me while I was at work. He sounded very excited and told me he had a surprise for me. He doesn't usually do this kind of thing, so I was excited. When I came home, I found him naked, with "Bone Appetite" written right above his penis. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 523

You deserved it 3 984

Today, my 6 year-old son and his cousin were play boxing. For fun, I taught them some real moves. I guess my son is a natural but my nephew got hit so hard he fell over and broke his arm. Now I have to explain this to my wife and her sister. FML

I agree, your life sucks 139

You deserved it 651

Today, I was at my best friend's house, listening to him complain about his mother remembering all the bad stuff he did when he was in high school. I jokingly said, "An elephant never forgets." Guess who was behind me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 834

You deserved it 10 923

Today, I was belting out Beyoncé in the shower, really feeling myself. When I got out, I heard applause. My new neighbors were sitting on their balcony and I had my bedroom window open. They'd been unwilling members of my entire shower performance's audience, and the applause was definitely sarcastic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 150

You deserved it 384

Today, I went to a movie with this guy. He was late so the only seats available were the ones in the very front which he refused to sit in. As we were looking for two seats, he spotted one near the back and sat down, leaving me to sit by myself in the front. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 553

You deserved it 2 841