Cats, Wanker and Intimacy: Today, I was jerking off when my cat jumped out of nowhere and...

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By stanDman - 19/01/2009 18:05 - Canada

Today, I was jerking off when my cat jumped out of nowhere and dug his claws into my shaft. Attempting to knock him away resulted in three nasty gashes… that I now have to explain to my wife. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 455

You deserved it 10 472

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Same thing different taste

Surprise, wanker!

By pussnboots - 16/07/2024 13:00 - United States

Today, as I was feeling frisky, I started to jack off. I was about to come when my cat attacked my hand and nether regions under the blanket. I really got the pussy, didn’t I? FML

I agree, your life sucks 377

You deserved it 231

By ouchh - 11/09/2009 20:46 - United States

Today, I got out of the shower to find my cat staring up at me. Apparently my swinging penis looks like a cat toy to her, so she jumped up and clawed and tried to bite it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 948

You deserved it 7 330

By Anonymous - 09/01/2011 01:11 - United States

Today, I found out that my wife was having sex with my friend. It turned out that my genius cat realized it wasn't me there and attacked his balls, severely cutting them. I now have to kill my cat and pay for his medical bills to sew his balls back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 77 411

You deserved it 4 168

Nuts

By Almost neutered - 02/07/2023 23:00 - United States

Today, I was laying on the couch when my cat decided to join. Instead of jumping, he opted to climb. While he was climbing, he put his paw on my junk and got his claws stuck there. He then tried to force them out, which hurt even more. It took almost a full minute to break him free. FML

I agree, your life sucks 611

You deserved it 151

Alone time

By Anonymous - 19/04/2021 14:00

Today, I had some unexpected alone time for the first time in months and decided to *ahem* play with an adult toy. As things were getting close to the end, my cat jumped up on the bed, saw the movement under the blanket and immediately pounced on my downstairs, puncturing certain delicate areas with his claws. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 308

You deserved it 337

By Anonymous - 04/09/2017 20:00

Today, my girlfriend and I slept naked after a great night together. I awoke to a sharp pain in my penis and found our cat trying a new scratching post. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 150

You deserved it 483

By ambushcat - 06/07/2012 03:31 - United States

Today, I was messing with my cat by moving my hand around under the sheets to make it look like a mouse, making him pounce at it. Without thinking, I brought my hand up to scratch my nose and was immediately attacked by flailing claws. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 517

You deserved it 28 647

Never disrespect the cat

By Rafiki - 22/02/2010 03:14 - United States

Today, while I was at my girlfriend's house, I picked up her cat and held him like he was baby Simba. Apparently he didn't enjoy that, because he managed to somehow leap out of my hands and attach himself to my chest, claws extended. I now have four one-inch-long gashes on my chest. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 283

You deserved it 31 834

By good husband - 30/04/2013 16:03 - Canada

Today, I took my wife's cat to the vet for her yearly check up. I'm finishing the day at the hospital with multiple bite wounds and a deep gash in my leg. My wife chose to comfort her cat instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 859

You deserved it 4 626

Poor little guy

By anonymous - 16/09/2022 02:30 - United States - Maryville

Today, my roommate thought it would be funny to throw my cat in the bathtub while I was in it. I had to go to the emergency room to get my penis stitched up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 355

You deserved it 137

MLK12345 4

Friday 10 December 2010 22:51

????? If you're # 3 how did u see #5's post?

maiden_girl 5

Saturday 14 February 2009 16:19

LOL @#5. Why weren't you just having sex with your wife?

Comments

Tommy_fml 0

Tuesday 24 March 2009 2:29

A nasty way to get cat scratch fever...!

fast7fast 0

Friday 15 April 2011 4:50

ur comment deserves a medal

FailBear920 19

Thursday 8 August 2013 19:21

Of the highest caliber.

bellstrange 0

Sunday 29 March 2009 5:09

why werent you just banging your wife?

AyJayKay 0

Wednesday 15 April 2009 21:49

Well, if you're masturbating, obviously your wife hasn't seen your penis in a while. What's another couple days going to hurt?

nazooer 11

Wednesday 22 April 2009 3:37

Seems like bs

chelsealovesnsn 0

Sunday 3 May 2009 18:18

Just say you were peeing ha

xxBAMFxx 0

Thursday 7 May 2009 6:13

ha ha number 7:) but man that must have hurt... Wait why didn't you just have sex with your wife?

awethe01 0

Thursday 14 May 2009 0:59

Should have locked the cat out of the bathroom. Hopefully your wife will be understanding to the fact that you were masturbating lol. I'd get the cat declawed.

What_Willis_is_t 1

Sunday 24 April 2011 17:03

Declawing a cat is horrible. Declawing a cat is the same as a human cutting off their fingers from the knuckle up

alliewillie 22

Sunday 4 March 2012 14:50

No. It's not. It's done now with lasers and just takes the nail and the very tip to keep it from growing back. It's SO painful my cats were back to "sharpening" on the furniture in a few days time. No stitches, nothing. They still don't know they're gone.

franko_fml 0

Monday 18 May 2009 5:55

okay this is a lie, your cats not gunna jump on your ******* shaft unless ur dick is like 3 feet long. plus you would move unless you have retarded reflexes, plus ur hands in the way, unless ur dick is huge like i said. why would a cat do that anyway?

alliewillie 22

Sunday 4 March 2012 14:53

NYou apparently don't know cats. Anything moving quickly interests them - i.e. his hand. The cat probably saw the movement and jumped for it, got hold of what was underneath. For all you know he threw up the hand to ward off the cat as a reflex. Either way stop bein a dick.