Cats, Wanker and Intimacy: Today, I was jerking off when my cat jumped out of nowhere and...

By stanDman - 19/01/2009 18:05 - Canada

Today, I was jerking off when my cat jumped out of nowhere and dug his claws into my shaft. Attempting to knock him away resulted in three nasty gashes… that I now have to explain to my wife. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 449

You deserved it 10 472

St. Patrick's Day: Shamrocks and Tribulations
Green anecdotes of jealousy, full of shamrocks and pints, for a memorable St. Patrick's Day! More…

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Same thing different taste

Surprise, wanker!

By pussnboots - 16/07/2024 13:00 - United States

Today, as I was feeling frisky, I started to jack off. I was about to come when my cat attacked my hand and nether regions under the blanket. I really got the pussy, didn’t I? FML

I agree, your life sucks 372

You deserved it 226

By ouchh - 11/09/2009 20:46 - United States

Today, I got out of the shower to find my cat staring up at me. Apparently my swinging penis looks like a cat toy to her, so she jumped up and clawed and tried to bite it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 947

You deserved it 7 330

By Anonymous - 09/01/2011 01:11 - United States

Today, I found out that my wife was having sex with my friend. It turned out that my genius cat realized it wasn't me there and attacked his balls, severely cutting them. I now have to kill my cat and pay for his medical bills to sew his balls back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 77 407

You deserved it 4 167

Nuts

By Almost neutered - 02/07/2023 23:00 - United States

Today, I was laying on the couch when my cat decided to join. Instead of jumping, he opted to climb. While he was climbing, he put his paw on my junk and got his claws stuck there. He then tried to force them out, which hurt even more. It took almost a full minute to break him free. FML

I agree, your life sucks 609

You deserved it 150

Alone time

By Anonymous - 19/04/2021 14:00

Today, I had some unexpected alone time for the first time in months and decided to *ahem* play with an adult toy. As things were getting close to the end, my cat jumped up on the bed, saw the movement under the blanket and immediately pounced on my downstairs, puncturing certain delicate areas with his claws. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 305

You deserved it 337

By Anonymous - 04/09/2017 20:00

Today, my girlfriend and I slept naked after a great night together. I awoke to a sharp pain in my penis and found our cat trying a new scratching post. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 150

You deserved it 482

By ambushcat - 06/07/2012 03:31 - United States

Today, I was messing with my cat by moving my hand around under the sheets to make it look like a mouse, making him pounce at it. Without thinking, I brought my hand up to scratch my nose and was immediately attacked by flailing claws. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 517

You deserved it 28 646

Never disrespect the cat

By Rafiki - 22/02/2010 03:14 - United States

Today, while I was at my girlfriend's house, I picked up her cat and held him like he was baby Simba. Apparently he didn't enjoy that, because he managed to somehow leap out of my hands and attach himself to my chest, claws extended. I now have four one-inch-long gashes on my chest. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 283

You deserved it 31 834

By good husband - 30/04/2013 16:03 - Canada

Today, I took my wife's cat to the vet for her yearly check up. I'm finishing the day at the hospital with multiple bite wounds and a deep gash in my leg. My wife chose to comfort her cat instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 856

You deserved it 4 626

Poor little guy

By anonymous - 16/09/2022 02:30 - United States - Maryville

Today, my roommate thought it would be funny to throw my cat in the bathtub while I was in it. I had to go to the emergency room to get my penis stitched up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 355

You deserved it 137

MLK12345 4

Friday 10 December 2010 22:51

????? If you're # 3 how did u see #5's post?

maiden_girl 5

Saturday 14 February 2009 16:19

LOL @#5. Why weren't you just having sex with your wife?

Comments

xf0rg0tt3nx 0

Monday 31 August 2009 3:45

Wow, funny how I saw something similar to this on Deuce Bigalo 2.

Kayia_fml 0

Tuesday 29 September 2009 16:30

LMAO that sucks

nintenDX 0

Friday 22 January 2010 4:44

lolwut?

geovanni 9

Sunday 31 January 2010 1:46

give her none till it heals

harshallmeim69 9

Sunday 12 January 2014 6:23

well what else would you do?

blahblahblahguy 0

Thursday 4 March 2010 15:07

wow what would cesar milan do?

hassenpfeffermmm 0

Monday 26 April 2010 18:02

You don't want to tell your wife? YDI for trying to keep secrets.

Hunthas 17

Thursday 20 May 2010 1:35

umm if your gonna lie to her anyways, say you were going to the washroom and the cat attacked...

lorenzobalderas 0

Saturday 12 June 2010 21:47

bahahahahahahhahahahahahaha

bobnorris 0

Tuesday 22 June 2010 18:57

you have a wife... she'll never se it

nirvanafan980 0

Tuesday 3 August 2010 10:51

hahahahaha!!!!!

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Today, it's been two years since I graduated with my master's. It's also been the same amount of time since I've been looking for a job. I got an e-mail yesterday from a company for a telephone interview which I was happy about. The day of the interview, my phone is disconnected. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 994

You deserved it 1 012

Today, I finally got the courage to ask my workmate about her tattoo. She's been in the office for 4 months and I'd always wondered why she had a red cheese grater tattooed on her arm. So I asked. Turns out it's a lady's shoe. She walked away from me and never talked to me again. FML

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The Top

Today, my brother-in-law was nice enough to bring me lunch at work. The people I work with are so catty and immature that the rumors started flying almost immediately. Grow up already. FML

I agree, your life sucks 403

You deserved it 84

Today, I found out that my husband thinks I'm fat when I caught him slipping diet pills into my morning smoothie. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 337

You deserved it 7 136

Today, my art teacher showed off a painting of his name he got in Japan. I can read Japanese, and it actually says "Old idiot". I really don't want to break it to him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 693

You deserved it 5 222

Today, I was waiting for the pan to heat up so I could make myself scrambled eggs. Just then, my mom runs up to me, cracks an egg open on my head, and runs away laughing. I only had one other egg. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 572

You deserved it 4 607

Today, while working the graveyard shift at my hotel, it felt a little chilly, so I grabbed a blanket out of the box we usually store old blankets in. Twenty minutes later, the live-in maintenance man casually remarked that those blankets are all infected with bed-bugs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 078

You deserved it 7 275

Today, I took my Spanish test, and I felt very confident. I got the test back later, and saw my teacher had written on it: "Congrats on the 94%, but I know you cheated." FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 935

You deserved it 7 454