Today, my girlfriend and I slept naked after a great night together.... - FML

By Anonymous - 04/09/2017 20:00

Today, my girlfriend and I slept naked after a great night together. I awoke to a sharp pain in my penis and found our cat trying a new scratching post. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 143

You deserved it 482

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Same thing different taste

Surprise, human!

By Anonymous - 22/04/2024 09:00 - United States

Today, I didn't realize my cat was sleeping in the room with me until she decided to jump on me in the middle of the night, resulting in a critical hit to my groin. FML

I agree, your life sucks 376

You deserved it 100

By iliku - 01/06/2019 02:00

Today, I was having a romantic evening with my new boyfriend, until we walked into my bedroom and discovered that my cat had ripped apart my pads and had spread them all over the place. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 501

You deserved it 233

Say sorry to Mr Whiskers!

By Anonymous - 10/05/2021 14:01

Today, I awoke to my cat sitting on my chest. That wouldn't be so bad if I hadn't tried to get her off. She promptly went crazy and scratched me. My fiancée, who was sleeping next to me, hit me, called me cruel, and told me to apologize to the cat. I did. FML

I agree, your life sucks 931

You deserved it 329

Smack my bitch up

By Anonymous - 02/06/2023 01:00 - United States - Phoenix

Today, I got naked after coming home. It's super hot where I live and I wanted to cool down before getting dressed again. As I was standing there, minding my own business, the cat I'm pet-sitting for a friend reached up and clawed me on the vagina. FML

I agree, your life sucks 942

You deserved it 229

By ouchh - 11/09/2009 20:46 - United States

Today, I got out of the shower to find my cat staring up at me. Apparently my swinging penis looks like a cat toy to her, so she jumped up and clawed and tried to bite it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 941

You deserved it 7 327

Meow!

By patronuscat? - 05/10/2017 01:30

Today, I woke up in a guy's bed to one of his cats licking my nipples. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 625

You deserved it 1 064

CLAWS

By Attacksloth32 - 09/07/2021 01:59

Today, my cat was sleeping on me while I was laying in bed. I had to use the washroom, so I pushed him off. Except he used my testicles as a way to latch on to me, through my underwear. Let's just say, after having to change the sheets due to blood, I'm considering wearing a jockstrap. FML

I agree, your life sucks 886

You deserved it 232

By Anonymous - 16/12/2009 20:53 - United Kingdom

Today, I was making out with my girlfriend in my room. About two minutes into it, my cat walks in and jumps on the bed with us. Without hesitation, my girlfriend tells me to stop, rolls over, and starts petting my cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 587

You deserved it 6 495

By tornkhakis - 24/02/2014 07:20 - United States - Bloomington

Today, my cat decided that instead of using the brand-new scratching post I bought him, he was going to use my pant leg while I was asleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 198

You deserved it 4 176

Poor little guy

By anonymous - 16/09/2022 02:30 - United States - Maryville

Today, my roommate thought it would be funny to throw my cat in the bathtub while I was in it. I had to go to the emergency room to get my penis stitched up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 347

You deserved it 134

Next

Top comments

pjsr 32

Monday 4 September 2017 21:19

If your morning wood is big enough to be mistaken for a scratching post, that's something to brag about! Still, looks like you got a little more pussy than you wanted.

sumocj 14

Monday 4 September 2017 22:28

The cat was probably like "what the hell is this? I better claw it to see if it's alive"

Comments

RichardPencil 30

Monday 4 September 2017 20:05

Scratching post? Right! Don’t flatter yourself — the cat was hunting the mouse in your pants.

Glowworm56 26

Monday 4 September 2017 20:11

Sounds like somebody's got cat scratch fever!

Lobby_Bee 17

Monday 4 September 2017 20:16

Probably felt like you needed a circumcision.

mattyiscool123 26

Wednesday 6 September 2017 1:23

He may have already had one years ago

Aiden89 23

Monday 4 September 2017 20:46

You gotta be kitten me right meouch

pjsr 32

Monday 4 September 2017 21:19

If your morning wood is big enough to be mistaken for a scratching post, that's something to brag about! Still, looks like you got a little more pussy than you wanted.

gobiteme2 34

Monday 4 September 2017 21:22

Everything is better with ridges.

sumocj 14

Monday 4 September 2017 22:28

The cat was probably like "what the hell is this? I better claw it to see if it's alive"

KIEdekka 14

Friday 8 September 2017 17:07

reason #433 as to why I am convinced cats are evil little brats.

KIEdekka 14

Friday 8 September 2017 17:07

reason #433 as to why I am convinced cats are evil little brats.

ANANANANANANANANANAan 3

Saturday 9 September 2017 23:05

I'm gurl

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The Top

Today, I woke up to a good friend of mine leaving my bed. The very friend I've had a crush on for months, and who knows exactly how I feel about him. Everything was great until he said, "Yeah, about last night… It's just that you were there, and I was weak. See ya." FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 941

You deserved it 7 385

Today, I was enjoying the benefits of marriage with my new husband. We were changing positions when my joints started crackling and popping like my mother's did when I was a kid. My husband stopped, concerned about my possible pain... I'm 20 years-old and pop like an arthritic 50 year-old. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 612

You deserved it 3 895

The Top

Today, I found out that if someone flushes a toilet the same time I'm starting the washing machine, my house will flood. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 263

You deserved it 2 856

Today, my boyfriend of 5 years confessed he'd logged into my computer and read some of my texts. He's blaming it on weed making him paranoid and has apologized, but I feel betrayed and have no one to talk to about it but my shrink. I feel lonely and hurt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 816

You deserved it 193

Today, I was working on my laptop when the screen suddenly turned red. I was shocked since it's not that old, but my insurance just expired. On my way to the service I was thinking, "At least my car works!" Well... A few hours later, my car broke. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 366

You deserved it 176

Today, I think my daughter is the only person in the world who was born racist. The other day she said to me, “Girls with dark skin can’t be pretty.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 368

You deserved it 171

Today, I realized that my ex has REALLY dumped me for a video game. And he will not change his mind. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 224

You deserved it 6 036

Today, a student turned in homework she copied off an online answer key. The wrong key. My students are too stupid to cheat right. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 846

You deserved it 312