Cats, Wanker and Intimacy: Today, I was jerking off when my cat jumped out of nowhere and...

By stanDman - 19/01/2009 18:05 - Canada

Today, I was jerking off when my cat jumped out of nowhere and dug his claws into my shaft. Attempting to knock him away resulted in three nasty gashes… that I now have to explain to my wife. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 446

You deserved it 10 471

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Same thing different taste

Surprise, wanker!

By pussnboots - 16/07/2024 13:00 - United States

Today, as I was feeling frisky, I started to jack off. I was about to come when my cat attacked my hand and nether regions under the blanket. I really got the pussy, didn’t I? FML

I agree, your life sucks 358

You deserved it 225

By ouchh - 11/09/2009 20:46 - United States

Today, I got out of the shower to find my cat staring up at me. Apparently my swinging penis looks like a cat toy to her, so she jumped up and clawed and tried to bite it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 942

You deserved it 7 327

By Anonymous - 09/01/2011 01:11 - United States

Today, I found out that my wife was having sex with my friend. It turned out that my genius cat realized it wasn't me there and attacked his balls, severely cutting them. I now have to kill my cat and pay for his medical bills to sew his balls back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 77 401

You deserved it 4 167

Nuts

By Almost neutered - 02/07/2023 23:00 - United States

Today, I was laying on the couch when my cat decided to join. Instead of jumping, he opted to climb. While he was climbing, he put his paw on my junk and got his claws stuck there. He then tried to force them out, which hurt even more. It took almost a full minute to break him free. FML

I agree, your life sucks 607

You deserved it 150

Alone time

By Anonymous - 19/04/2021 14:00

Today, I had some unexpected alone time for the first time in months and decided to *ahem* play with an adult toy. As things were getting close to the end, my cat jumped up on the bed, saw the movement under the blanket and immediately pounced on my downstairs, puncturing certain delicate areas with his claws. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 300

You deserved it 336

By Anonymous - 04/09/2017 20:00

Today, my girlfriend and I slept naked after a great night together. I awoke to a sharp pain in my penis and found our cat trying a new scratching post. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 146

You deserved it 482

By ambushcat - 06/07/2012 03:31 - United States

Today, I was messing with my cat by moving my hand around under the sheets to make it look like a mouse, making him pounce at it. Without thinking, I brought my hand up to scratch my nose and was immediately attacked by flailing claws. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 514

You deserved it 28 638

Never disrespect the cat

By Rafiki - 22/02/2010 03:14 - United States

Today, while I was at my girlfriend's house, I picked up her cat and held him like he was baby Simba. Apparently he didn't enjoy that, because he managed to somehow leap out of my hands and attach himself to my chest, claws extended. I now have four one-inch-long gashes on my chest. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 283

You deserved it 31 829

By good husband - 30/04/2013 16:03 - Canada

Today, I took my wife's cat to the vet for her yearly check up. I'm finishing the day at the hospital with multiple bite wounds and a deep gash in my leg. My wife chose to comfort her cat instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 855

You deserved it 4 625

Poor little guy

By anonymous - 16/09/2022 02:30 - United States - Maryville

Today, my roommate thought it would be funny to throw my cat in the bathtub while I was in it. I had to go to the emergency room to get my penis stitched up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 352

You deserved it 135

MLK12345 4

Friday 10 December 2010 22:51

????? If you're # 3 how did u see #5's post?

maiden_girl 5

Saturday 14 February 2009 16:19

LOL @#5. Why weren't you just having sex with your wife?

Comments

NuTrees 9

Sunday 3 July 2011 7:23

blanquito pito you funny. I woulda beat that pussy up if I was him.

upsidedownfrownn 5

Monday 19 December 2011 7:34

I applaud you...

SkoomaKi 27

Wednesday 9 May 2012 15:03

Whatever you do, don't get a boner! It will just re-open the cuts...

LilMissNYC 5

Tuesday 3 July 2012 3:15

You have a wife, have sex with her, not yourself. If she won't do it with you, read a book on how to actually be good in bed so she can stop faking and you can stop wanking

BarbieBlanca 10

Wednesday 13 November 2013 4:31

lol @all the people asking why didn't he have sex with his wife. maybe she was at work or something? like really guys? lol smh.

problemsproblems 6

Sunday 16 February 2014 11:32

My boyfriend kicks off badly if I ********** without him. Maybe this guys wife is the same? Say you were having a wee!

FkMeSleep 5

Thursday 13 March 2014 0:41

That's one way to get some pussy action... Loll.

rabbi1010 29

Saturday 7 June 2014 18:41

Lol just tell her you took a nap and that cat clawed you.

8313girl 28

Sunday 3 August 2014 23:10

His wife probably said she had a headache or maybe she just didn't wanna have sex with him. I heard that happens with married couples. Sorry OP and I hope you haven't had any repeats with that cat