Intimacy: Today, I was patting my kitten who was asleep underneath the...

By djoe - 28/10/2010 12:00 - Australia

Today, I was patting my kitten who was asleep underneath the blanket on my lap. My roommate walked in and gave me disgusted look. She thought I was playing with myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 898

You deserved it 6 323

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Same thing different taste

By Anonymous - 16/12/2009 20:53 - United Kingdom

Today, I was making out with my girlfriend in my room. About two minutes into it, my cat walks in and jumps on the bed with us. Without hesitation, my girlfriend tells me to stop, rolls over, and starts petting my cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 587

You deserved it 6 495

By Anonymous - 25/02/2010 00:29 - United States

Today, my roommate brought a kitten to the apartment. I hate cats, and probably sensing this, the thing clawed me right in the crotch. I of course am not going to say a thing because I happen to be in love with my roommate, but she has no clue how much I hate this thing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 985

You deserved it 28 081

Proof

By misoranomegami - 21/06/2014 02:48 - United States

Today, my mother came over to check on my new kitten while I was at work. She took a video of the kitten playing on my bed and climbing on my nightstand. Right on top of my vibrator I forgot to put away. I'm not sure if she noticed or not but she's certainly been showing the video around. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 776

You deserved it 16 361

Rocky VIX

By Anonymous - 29/09/2019 20:06

Today, I was laying with my face dangling down the side of my bed, when my kitten rushed up to me looking worried. He sniffed me for a while, then decided the best thing to do was to stand on his hind legs and start punching my face like a speed bag. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 357

You deserved it 363

I did not consent to this under my roof

By CatBlock - 31/01/2014 06:16 - United States - Decatur

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex. As we were getting into it, his cat came into the room, sat, and stared us down with what looked like disapproving eyes. After 5 minutes had gone by, we stopped completely. A cat just cockblocked me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 357

You deserved it 8 012

By nenette - 12/11/2014 22:50 - France

Today, as my kitten was sleeping on my lap, my boyfriend crept up on us and yelled, "BOO!" to make me jump. I wasn't scared, but the cat was. He tensed up and jumped to the floor. He also apparently had the runny shits, spraying me and the couch on his way down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 745

You deserved it 3 581

By axwound - 27/12/2009 13:04 - United States

Today, I was in bed with my cat on my lap. No one was around, so I felt comfortable enough to let out a huge fart. What I didn't expect was my cat jumping up and then clawing and biting my crotch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 547

You deserved it 29 261

Good Meowrning!

By piliseep - 01/12/2017 09:00 - United States - Apex

Today, at 6 am, I was suddenly jerked from the warm embraces of sleep by the smell of poo. I was very groggy and confused when my hand landed in something wet and cold. I turned on the light and was horrified to find that my kitten took a huge dump in my bed. It was everywhere. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 619

You deserved it 571

By Anonymous - 13/02/2014 15:20 - United States - Reno

Today, in the very middle of the night, my kitten started rubbing against my face. Thinking I saw her face in the darkness, I decided to kiss her before going back to bed. My lips made contact with her butthole. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 284

You deserved it 19 003

By Anonymous - 05/06/2009 04:28 - United States

Today, I took a nap with a kitten I just adopted from my mom's house. To make her feel more comfortable, I took a nap with her on my bed. In my dream, I kept smelling poo and I felt around on the bed to find the kitten. She apparently had diarrhea on my bed and I had stuck my hand in it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 239

You deserved it 8 304

dacho 7

Thursday 28 October 2010 19:56

Petting your pussy?

mintcar 9

Thursday 28 October 2010 19:50

So? Just explain.

Comments

jgh122293_fml 2

Thursday 28 July 2011 15:43

so u were playing with your pussy

Faheezy 1

Friday 9 December 2011 8:38

Well, you were petting a pussy. Your pussy ;) So punny!

Drobin_fml 0

Thursday 5 January 2012 2:41

"Don't mind me! I'm just playing with my pussy!

creamysandwicher 0

Saturday 4 February 2012 3:01

Just say your playing with your pussy, he/she may want to join.

npearson5290 4

Thursday 19 April 2012 1:48

Sounds like something out of Austin Powers or something. "What? I'm patting my pussy baby. Yea." *pulls out cat from blanket*

diamondbaby16 4

Saturday 7 July 2012 8:43

Well your hand was under the blanket :p

SarahhRF 6

Wednesday 11 July 2012 7:50

When did petting your pussy ever become a bad thing (: lol

cheeseandvampire 1

Wednesday 17 October 2012 5:15

some one needs to count how many Kitty jokes have been made cuz I'm too lazy

drayloon 50

Wednesday 2 January 2013 9:23

ur jus stroking ur pussy, no big deal

iLoveUnionJ 8

Friday 30 August 2013 23:22

you were playing with a pussy though..oh the irony.

Keywords

Awkward Miscellaneous Embarrassing Sleep Work Dating Love Am I overreacting? Annoying Parents Health Mental health Furniture Kids Gross Friends Fight Public freakouts Drugs Neighbours Cops Medication Relatable Animals Dogs Teenagers Gamers Ironic Video games Job interview

The Top

Today, on my way home from watching a movie with a girl, I began having an erection because I thought I could kiss her goodnight. She dropped me off at home, and with my full blown erection, I walked in front of her car with the headlights on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 433

You deserved it 46 505

Today, my best friend and I were playing Call of Duty when he said he had to go to the bathroom. Curious, I checked his phone. A text message read, "Tell your friend you're going to the bathroom and come eat. Pizza is here" from his dad. Apparently, I'm not good enough to feed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 059

You deserved it 8 155

The Top

Today, after my ex-husband always said we would never let our kids have screen time, since our divorce he has let screens do 100% of his parenting, while he day-drinks, and yet if I try to take the kids away from him, he threatens lawyers straight away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 714

You deserved it 168

Today, I went to my retail job to buy some clothing. As soon as I walked through the doors, my manager yelled at me for not being in appropriate work clothes. I tried to explain that I was off the clock but he was having none of it. I got written up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 359

You deserved it 3 109

Today, I walked into two things. The first was a spiderweb. The second, due to blind panic, was oncoming traffic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 952

You deserved it 5 845

Today, my boyfriend and I went on a picnic. After we finished eating he laid down, closed his eyes, and put his head in my lap. At the exact second that I bent down to kiss him, he jumped up to get the Frisbee. We both have bloody noses. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 874

You deserved it 4 395

Today, I volunteered at a nursing home. I approached a lonely, old man who had a type of nervous tick. I went over to speak to him, and not even four sentences into our conversation he says, "I'd really like to make love to you." What I thought was a tick was actually him stroking himself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 70 550

You deserved it 4 567

Today, in an attempt to spice things up a bit, my boyfriend and I discovered he takes it in the butt better than I do. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 329

You deserved it 4 325