Intimacy: Today, I went to Target to buy some soap and this 65-70 year...

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By fecurtis - 23/01/2009 08:36 - United States

Today, I went to Target to buy some soap and this 65-70 year old woman next to me was asking a sales associate if they had any bubble bath mix. I suddenly pictured her naked, bathing herself and suddenly my dick just couldn't sit still. It's probably because I haven't had sex in over 22 months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 636

You deserved it 13 439

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Same thing different taste

By the_captain - 23/06/2009 00:21 - United States

Today, I was cashiering at Target when an old woman came into my checkout line. Her items? Variety pack of pleasuring condoms, a bottle of KY sensual lube, and two colorful thongs. As I'm scanning these, she leans in and whispers, "I love toys." FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 707

You deserved it 3 519

Getting on

By Anonymous - 01/05/2021 23:00

Today, I realized that I’m old, and that it’s been too long since I had sex or even masturbated. How did I notice? Because I tried to, and I found out I couldn’t comfortably spread my legs that far anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 070

You deserved it 292

By Imretarded - 24/05/2009 05:18 - United States

Today, I saw my mom naked as she came out of the shower. I realized that's the first time I've ever seen a naked woman. I'm a 24 year old guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 68 983

You deserved it 13 585

By Megannn - 01/05/2012 23:43 - United States

Today, I was in a gas station bathroom attempting to buy a condom from the machine on the wall. A woman who smelled of cat piss walked in, and I got embarrassed so I fled into a stall. She then started a conversation with me about "the good old days" from the next stall over. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 927

You deserved it 3 703

Wobble wobble

By Dr.Octopus454 - 07/10/2011 14:58 - United Kingdom

Today, working as a life guard, I walked through the changing room to go back to the pool. On the way, a naked old man started up a conversation with me. We talked for 10 minutes about pool chemicals, while his penis wobbled around with every small movement. This happens all the time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 151

You deserved it 3 628

Extreme bathtimes

By Anonymous - 15/10/2024 05:00 - United Kingdom

Today, I am a silly man who thought I could still get in and out of the bath at 76 years-old, even though I have only had showers for the past 15 years. So, when I got stuck in the bath, I had to call my poor wife to come and help my naked ass stand up, and yes, she asked me to write this for laughs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 530

You deserved it 135

Romance is dead

By Anonymous - 10/10/2022 18:30 - Turkey

Today, my girlfriend and I haven't had sex for a long time, so when she got out of the shower I was ready on our bed to finally do it. Her response? "Really? Now? I just got out of the shower." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 510

You deserved it 498

By Anonymous - 23/11/2015 14:19 - Australia - Applecross

Today, I was washing my boobs in the shower when I caught my reflection in the mirror. I got super turned on at the sight of my large breasts all soaped up. I'm a man. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 683

You deserved it 9 940

Cosy chat

By sick and awkward - 20/05/2012 06:11 - United States - Silver Spring

Today, I was really sick. I had been sneezing all day and my skin had started to dry out. When my mom asked me if I needed anything, I immediately responded with "lotion and tissues," not realizing what I was suggesting. She then talked to me for 20 minutes about how "masturbation is okay." FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 352

You deserved it 3 587

How could you?

By Anonymous - 29/03/2024 10:00 - United States

Today, my mom walked in on me jerking it in her bathroom. I'm a 40 year-old man and she's 68. FML

I agree, your life sucks 198

You deserved it 891

maiden_girl 5

Saturday 14 February 2009 13:16

Wow.... that really did just go from MILF to GILF... lol.

podrummer9209 0

Monday 23 March 2009 3:45

Yeah dude. Wait til you hit three years and the holes in the middle of CDs make you start wishing your dick was smaller.

Comments

maiden_girl 5

Saturday 14 February 2009 13:16

Wow.... that really did just go from MILF to GILF... lol.

AddictedToLove_fml 0

Sunday 22 February 2009 6:46

So freakin sick

skatingweasel 0

Monday 23 February 2009 6:52

dude, i hope you never saw Yesman

screwlife23 0

Sunday 7 March 2010 7:33

lmao.

fifi23_fml 0

Saturday 27 March 2010 23:42

lol #6 hopefully this lady kept her teeth in :)

socksket 4

Saturday 17 July 2010 5:46

dude.... NICE XD

Durf 0

Tuesday 3 March 2009 5:22

hilarious :D

Lucicx0 0

Tuesday 3 March 2009 22:46

thats ******...;]

xalfredx 0

Thursday 12 March 2009 4:45

haha atleast you're honest...i like you just for that man

bassguitar19 1

Friday 13 March 2009 3:23

well are you at least masturbating?

ashleykate01 0

Monday 28 September 2009 0:11

lmao, wow thats gross. a freaking grandmaw? lol

Synthetic42 0

Tuesday 17 March 2009 1:23

Good thing she didn't offer you some hard candy after that!

popoman 0

Saturday 8 August 2009 3:41

Maybe you could offer her some hard candy. See what I did there?

thatsucks4u 0

Thursday 19 March 2009 5:11

wat her dentures turn u on?

AwesomeSauce 0

Saturday 21 March 2009 4:23

LMFAO Sorry, this will sound mean but... HAHAHAHAHA. That's so depressing! You poor thing!

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The Top

Today, I was in the restroom at work, snickering at some funny stories on my phone while I took a dump. Little did I know that the asshole in the next stall would report me to our boss, claiming he'd heard weird noises, then looked over the divider and witnessed me jacking off to porn. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 296

You deserved it 7 506

Today, I was skinny dipping with some cute girls from school, one of which I really like. Everything was great until I caught a fish on my own personal nightcrawler and they had to take me to the ER. I'll forever be known as "Salmon Dick". FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 488

You deserved it 724

The Top

Today, my boyfriend told me he couldn't spend the day with me as he had his grandmother's funeral. Lonely, I went shopping and I bumped into his mum having lunch with his 'dead' grandma. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 568

You deserved it 2 946

Today, my girlfriend's guinea pig managed to go down her shirt. I have been dating her for 3 weeks and I haven't even kissed her yet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 345

You deserved it 44 756

Today, I was cuddling with my boyfriend. I was the little spoon. His hand moved to my chest (I'm less than an A-cup, but very full on my bottom half), and I playfully said, "No! Don’t touch my chest!" He replied, "Huh? I thought that was your rib cage!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 344

You deserved it 176

Today, my girlfriend of several years broke up with me because of my lack of ability to contribute financially to the life that she envisioned for herself, due to my significant contributions in child support to my ex. She wants a more equal partner. FML

I agree, your life sucks 852

You deserved it 534

Today, my step-dad tried to talk me into getting plastic surgery. His reasoning: "Let's face it, 28 and single? Look, I know your mum gave you shitty genes, but that's no excuse to avoid fixing your face, honey." FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 593

You deserved it 3 515

Today, at preschool, I got to meet the mother of my daughter's best friend. She complimented mine's grades, and noted her quirkiness. I complimented her's for being congenial and being well-rounded. Later, my daughter said they are no longer besties because her mom said I called her daughter fat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 735

You deserved it 1 681