Intimacy: Today, I went to Target to buy some soap and this 65-70 year...

By fecurtis - 23/01/2009 08:36 - United States

Today, I went to Target to buy some soap and this 65-70 year old woman next to me was asking a sales associate if they had any bubble bath mix. I suddenly pictured her naked, bathing herself and suddenly my dick just couldn't sit still. It's probably because I haven't had sex in over 22 months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 629

You deserved it 13 432

Thanksgiving: Turkeys and Skids
Family meals that turn absurd, because Thanksgiving is also about laughing at little disasters. More…

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Same thing different taste

By the_captain - 23/06/2009 00:21 - United States

Today, I was cashiering at Target when an old woman came into my checkout line. Her items? Variety pack of pleasuring condoms, a bottle of KY sensual lube, and two colorful thongs. As I'm scanning these, she leans in and whispers, "I love toys." FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 702

You deserved it 3 516

Getting on

By Anonymous - 01/05/2021 23:00

Today, I realized that I’m old, and that it’s been too long since I had sex or even masturbated. How did I notice? Because I tried to, and I found out I couldn’t comfortably spread my legs that far anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 065

You deserved it 288

By Imretarded - 24/05/2009 05:18 - United States

Today, I saw my mom naked as she came out of the shower. I realized that's the first time I've ever seen a naked woman. I'm a 24 year old guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 68 960

You deserved it 13 573

By Megannn - 01/05/2012 23:43 - United States

Today, I was in a gas station bathroom attempting to buy a condom from the machine on the wall. A woman who smelled of cat piss walked in, and I got embarrassed so I fled into a stall. She then started a conversation with me about "the good old days" from the next stall over. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 922

You deserved it 3 700

Wobble wobble

By Dr.Octopus454 - 07/10/2011 14:58 - United Kingdom

Today, working as a life guard, I walked through the changing room to go back to the pool. On the way, a naked old man started up a conversation with me. We talked for 10 minutes about pool chemicals, while his penis wobbled around with every small movement. This happens all the time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 145

You deserved it 3 628

Extreme bathtimes

By Anonymous - 15/10/2024 05:00 - United Kingdom

Today, I am a silly man who thought I could still get in and out of the bath at 76 years-old, even though I have only had showers for the past 15 years. So, when I got stuck in the bath, I had to call my poor wife to come and help my naked ass stand up, and yes, she asked me to write this for laughs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 512

You deserved it 124

Romance is dead

By Anonymous - 10/10/2022 18:30 - Turkey

Today, my girlfriend and I haven't had sex for a long time, so when she got out of the shower I was ready on our bed to finally do it. Her response? "Really? Now? I just got out of the shower." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 501

You deserved it 491

By Anonymous - 23/11/2015 14:19 - Australia - Applecross

Today, I was washing my boobs in the shower when I caught my reflection in the mirror. I got super turned on at the sight of my large breasts all soaped up. I'm a man. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 678

You deserved it 9 934

Cosy chat

By sick and awkward - 20/05/2012 06:11 - United States - Silver Spring

Today, I was really sick. I had been sneezing all day and my skin had started to dry out. When my mom asked me if I needed anything, I immediately responded with "lotion and tissues," not realizing what I was suggesting. She then talked to me for 20 minutes about how "masturbation is okay." FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 343

You deserved it 3 584

How could you?

By Anonymous - 29/03/2024 10:00 - United States

Today, my mom walked in on me jerking it in her bathroom. I'm a 40 year-old man and she's 68. FML

I agree, your life sucks 186

You deserved it 842

maiden_girl 5

Saturday 14 February 2009 13:16

Wow.... that really did just go from MILF to GILF... lol.

podrummer9209 0

Monday 23 March 2009 3:45

Yeah dude. Wait til you hit three years and the holes in the middle of CDs make you start wishing your dick was smaller.

Comments

harrisonmoon 0

Monday 18 January 2010 9:00

you are nasty. you get hard from picturing a old wrinkly, stinky, gross old bitches ass? what the **** is wrong with you?

flashback.miss 28

Thursday 28 January 2010 17:45

well... good thing you aint a necrophiliac.. otherwirse youd be imagining her in.. a ahhh!!!

shadows17 0

Monday 30 May 2011 17:31

hahaha!!! that's great lol really ******* scary though

HamsteronA 0

Sunday 7 March 2010 23:56

when I went through it, just rescuing peach from bowser gave me a boner

DelBrocco18 0

Friday 12 March 2010 17:37

just buy a blow up doll

lovergirl7 1

Saturday 13 March 2010 19:49

that is so wrong in so many ways

fah_Q 0

Tuesday 6 April 2010 2:18

oh-time to go 'bate!!!

sublimetime614 0

Tuesday 27 April 2010 8:27

gross that was my grandma!

sosadrightnow 4

Wednesday 5 May 2010 0:26

ur really counting? sad

luv4music987 0

Friday 21 May 2010 1:13

*throws up*

nemohazADDlama 0

Saturday 22 May 2010 3:54

hahahhah

Keywords

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The Top

Today, at work at an OB office, I heard a ruckus in the hallway before a very large woman burst into my room and tried to attack my very pregnant patient. Crazy lady is the wife of the pregnant lady’s baby daddy, who is nowhere to be found. I don’t get paid enough for this shit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 492

You deserved it 63

Today, I was very sick and kept throwing up. I took a shower after every time I threw up. While in the shower after I threw up, I had to throw up again, so I got out and ran to the toilet. I slipped on the tile, broke my nose on the floor, and then threw up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 618

You deserved it 11 130

The Top

Today, I heard my cat fart for the first time ever. It was this cute little “peeeep” sound. The smell, however… Good god, that was not cute at all. FML

I agree, your life sucks 430

You deserved it 154

Today, I knew micropenises existed, I just never expected I’d see one in person after spending weeks building my anticipation of losing my virginity, getting naked in front of him, then being presented with half a cocktail sausage. Even if we had sex I think I’d still be a virgin. FML

I agree, your life sucks 413

You deserved it 256

Today, the token of appreciation from my husband after paying off his student loan debt, being his support system when his mother died, and cooking and cleaning for his ass everyday, is him getting my sister pregnant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 875

You deserved it 119

Today, I was at the gym. I'm 360 lbs and have finally decided it's time to change that. Some girl and her two bitch friends thought it'd be fun to follow me and belittle me at everything I did. When I mentioned it to the staff, they said that they were just "encouraging" me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 159

You deserved it 2 279

Today, I found out that when my now ex-fiance said he “needs time to think about it” when he got cold feet at our wedding, he meant he needed time to screw his hot young coworker. FML

I agree, your life sucks 482

You deserved it 136

Today, I noticed that my car's passenger-side door has cobwebs all over it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 593

You deserved it 7 123