And good news is, she's perfectly healthy. Wanna try?

Maybe he burned his hands on the stove while flipping his keys in the air. Then just as she walked by he accidentally hit her...while she was wearing a skirt, sans panties...she fell, keys landed in her, and she broke both her hands while falling! Then the only way he'd be able to get them back would be by using his penis...as all hands had been injured... It could happen!

"bro! She said she wanted practice pleasing you! As your best bro, I need to make sure you get the best sex too! By the way, dude, she gives the worst bj's. But i'll help her practice that too. So we cool bro?"

Time to stop referring to her as your girlfriend.

You mean ex girlfriend and ex best friend? I'm not usually one for these comments...but... DUMP THEM!

Just make sure you don't separate them! It seems she's easy to get over... You'll be fine and better off.

At least he didn't say "It isn't you, it's me." Because that would be grammatically incorrect...it should be "It isn't you, it's I." Then you could have bitch-slapped him twice - for being a manwhore and for being a dumbass. I try to brighten your day because I care.

this actually calls out for "guilty conscience": [announcer] Meet Grady, a twenty-nine year old construction worker. After coming home from a hard day's work, he walks in the door of his trailer park home to find his wife in bed with another man. ("WHAT THE ****?!?!") ("Grady!!") [Dr. Dre] Alright calm down, relax, start breathin.. [Eminem] **** that shit, you just caught this bitch cheatin While you at work she's with some dude tryin to get off?! **** slittin her throat, CUT THIS BITCH'S HEAD OFF!!! [Dr. Dre] Wait! What if there's an explanation for this shit? (What? She tripped? Fell? Landed on his dick?!) Alright Shady, maybe he's right Grady But think about the baby before you get all crazy [Eminem] Okay! Thought about it, still wanna stab her? Grab her by the throat, get your daughter and kidnap her? That's what I did, be smart, don't be a retard You gonna take advice from somebody who slapped DEE BARNES??! [Dr. Dre] What'chu say? (What's wrong? Didn't think I'd remember?) I'ma kill you ************! [Eminem] Uhhh-aahh! Temper temper! Mr. Dre? Mr. N.W.A.? Mr. AK comin' straight outta Compton y'all better make way? How in the **** you gonna tell this man not to be violent? [Dr. Dre] Cause he don't need to go the same route that I went Been there, done that.. aw **** it... What am I sayin? Shoot em both Grady, where's your gun at? [gun fires, is cocked, and re-fired]

I had the same thing happen to me. They thought I was asleep on the floor.

Naked, of course they had just gotten out of the shower together for some odd reason.