Intimacy: Today, I woke up from a nap to hear my roommate having some intimate...

By Anonymous - 10/07/2009 21:59 - Iraq

Today, I woke up from a nap to hear my roommate having some intimate time with his hand. The slopping and slurping sounds along with the girly man squeal as he finished haunted me all day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 884

You deserved it 4 282

Christmas: Snowy Joys and Blunders
Enjoy Christmas stories where unexpected gifts and family reunions create lasting memories... and fun! More…

Previous FML Next FML

Same thing different taste

By idontwanttoknow - 16/06/2013 11:37 - United States

Today, I heard my roommate moaning my name in the shower. FML

I agree, your life sucks 67 120

You deserved it 6 917

By anon - 15/09/2012 05:35 - United States - Rocklin

Today, I woke up to the sound of my neighbor pleasuring himself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 435

You deserved it 2 729

By Anonymous - 07/11/2009 16:24 - United States

Today, I wanted to sleep in after a rough week, only to be woken up by my roommate's sex screams and the pounding of her bed against the wall. Earplugs did not help. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 848

You deserved it 2 434

Frustrated

By skipper - 12/02/2009 17:25 - United States

Today, I listened to my roommate having sex from 3 a.m. until 6 a.m. When I looked over at my girlfriend, who must have thought I was sleeping, I noticed she was masturbating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 814

You deserved it 12 091

Zzzzzzzz

By turnedintoinsomniac - 21/01/2011 19:46 - United States

Today, after months of living with my roommate's horrific snoring, I looked over to see her sleeping quietly. Elated that I might actually get a full night of rest for once, I went to bed. Just as my eyelids began to droop, she started making vile hissing sounds. Yes, hissing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 509

You deserved it 2 868

By D: - 06/10/2013 17:13 - France - Paris

Today, I woke up to my creepy new roommate licking my cheek. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 409

You deserved it 3 899

MY EARS! MY EARS!

By ashbeat - 01/01/2013 15:20 - Australia - Sydney

Today, I can hear my flatmate masturbating loudly and asking himself if he likes it. And replying. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 642

You deserved it 4 401

By lunarboy - 17/02/2009 00:24 - United States

Today, I decided to watch some porn before bed. The lights were off and my roommate was already asleep behind me. I put on my noise-canceling headphones and turned up the volume all the way. After a few strokes my roommate got up and plugged in the headphones for me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 704

You deserved it 68 953

Lock your doors

By Anonymous - 27/05/2019 00:14

Today, I was touching myself in my room. Just as I hit the climax, my mom walked in because she heard me making noises and thought I was having a nightmare. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 477

You deserved it 764

By Dirty_Mind_69 - 20/07/2013 08:35 - United States - Shreveport

Today, I came home from work to my hot roommate cooking and wearing nothing but an apron. She pulled me into her room and things went great. At least, they did before I woke up in the break room with my coworkers and boss all gathered around, listening to me talking in my sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 220

You deserved it 9 936

papertigers_fml 0

Saturday 11 July 2009 1:30

girly man squeal, lol.

excusemydust 0

Saturday 11 July 2009 1:44

I think the words 'slopping' and 'slurping', as well as the phrase 'girly man squeal' are vivid enough alone to haunt me.

Comments

likeyah64 3

Monday 7 June 2010 23:06

ew...

88sforlife 0

Tuesday 22 June 2010 6:44

Wearing Sneakerz In The Rain Will Never Be The Same

skippy182 0

Monday 5 July 2010 22:45

my mum and stepdad had it off and I heard stuff like that. FML

whitecloud197 0

Saturday 9 April 2011 15:07

hahaha i thought the same thibg. wtf

Jane_Lambert 0

Monday 18 April 2011 5:48

LOL

ZeroIce 12

Saturday 2 June 2012 16:33

a comma between finished and haunted would have worked just fine...

EricaJoy 0

Monday 8 October 2012 17:38

If he's using his hand, how at you hearing a "slurping" sound?

LyricaSilvan 29

Thursday 26 February 2015 8:11

I cracked up at "girly man squeal."

balnuaimi 21

Thursday 30 July 2015 1:50

Sounds disgusting and a bit strange. But whatever makes him happy.

Keywords

Kids Money Health Work Christmas You're fired Fat Bodyshaming Customers Love Am I overreacting? Facebook Social Media AITA Poopoo peepee Embarrassing Miscellaneous Education Relatable Students Technology Mental health Romantic Break-ups Annoying Gross Argument Ironic Awkward Friends

The Top

Today, as I exited McDonald's after a quick lunch, a man in a jogging outfit ran past, snatching my handbag right off my shoulder as he tore past. He must have been at least 50. I broke down utterly exhausted before I could chase him even a single block. I'm 24. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 152

You deserved it 39 590

Today, I put lemon juice in my hair as a cheap and easy way to get highlights. I left it in my hair and I laid out in the backyard to get some sun. The sunshine wasn't the only thing that found me; it seems every bug in the neighborhood is now hiding in my hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 540

You deserved it 51 165

The Top

Today, I had to renew my driver's license at the DMV. Earlier, I was in a play and was still covered in stage makeup. I didn't realize that not all of it had come off until after my picture was taken and put on my new license. For the next three years, I'll be the guy with the dark eyeliner. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 718

You deserved it 8 857

Today, my boyfriend wanted me to send him a pic of myself being happy for his phone's caller ID. So I picked out a picture where I'm grinning a big grin, clearly very happy like he asked. He replies back, "You look weird there. Send a pretty one." FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 324

You deserved it 5 039

Today, I did the math: back at college in 2011, I had a $20,000+ reimbursement from my school. If I had invested even half my cash into Bitcoin then ($2.50), I would be worth over $120,000,000. Instead, I said, "Fuck that! This is stupid", and am now over $200,000 in student loan debt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 925

You deserved it 344

Today, I found out that when you gain too much weight, your penis can get significantly smaller. After noticing that things had been "off" in the bedroom, my girlfriend and I decided to measure it. There was significant shrinkage. I guess it's time to start working out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 972

You deserved it 1 921

Today, my husband left me for the whore he cheated on me with four years ago. I forgave him and took him back then. I guess I deserved this for being stupid and trusting him once again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 997

You deserved it 551

Today, while caring for my drunk girlfriend, she confessed that she cheated on me 3 different times with my sister. Now I know why they are always spending time together. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 140

You deserved it 178