Intimacy: Today, I woke up to a hand rubbing my very erect penis, and a...

By Ohshit - 17/05/2009 06:42 - United States

Today, I woke up to a hand rubbing my very erect penis, and a woman's peppermint breath in my ear. "Mom?" I called out instinctively, recalling how she always smells like peppermint. The hand stopped rubbing, and I turned to face my very disgusted looking girlfriend of three years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 401

You deserved it 92 781

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False alarm

By dirtyhands - 18/02/2009 23:01 - United States

Today, I was masturbating on my inflatable air mattress that squeaks when you move. Suddenly, my mom burst into my room to ask if I was okay because she thought the squeaking was me crying. I ripped my hands from my pants and turned on my side; she walked over and grabbed my hands to console me. FML

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By notsohandy - 03/01/2014 22:08 - Denmark - Hadsten

Today, I woke up to my girlfriend masturbating beside me. I asked if she needed a hand. She called me a pervert and now won't speak to me. FML

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Today, my girlfriend got pissed when I told her she needed to brush her teeth more than once a day. I could smell her breath from across the bed. FML

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Freudian intensifies

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Today, I had a dream where I was cuddling with a girl. She rolled over to face me, snuggled up into the crook of my neck, then muttered in disgust, "Ugh, your breath stinks!" Cock-blocked in my own dreams. FML

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By Harry Dare - 02/09/2011 16:31 - United Kingdom

Today, just after waking up, I caught a glimpse of my girlfriend in the mirror. Not knowing I was awake, she sniffed at her armpits, started gagging, then quietly came back to bed. FML

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By hotboxed - 13/07/2019 18:30

Today, while we were sleeping, my girlfriend and I rolled to opposite sides of the bed. When I woke up, I moved closer and wrapped my arm around her. Her response was to fart in her sleep, resulting in a smell so noxious that I had no choice but to roll back to the other side. FML

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By bootyislife - 03/02/2015 04:36 - United States - Seattle

Today, my girlfriend thought it would be sexy to give me a naked massage. She straddled my back and started rubbing, then she sneezed and peed on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 253

You deserved it 4 984

By Big Baby - 28/01/2017 00:00

Today, I was awoken by my wife patting my head and talking in her sleep, asking, "Who is this? Who am I touching?" She then rolled over and farted on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 453

You deserved it 808

By PerfectBoyfriend - 07/06/2016 16:38 - Belgium - Reet

Today, my girlfriend got pissed because she thought she heard me masturbating in the bathroom. I was brushing my teeth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 388

You deserved it 1 914

At least it wasn't rotting coconut?

By Getmeoutofhere - 10/08/2017 17:15 - Australia

Today, I was masturbating when my dad came into my room to say goodnight. He leaned down over my bed, paused, and said, "What's that smell? It's like... oh." His face dropped and he left the room. I don't think he'll ever see me the same way again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 552

You deserved it 1 152

dmipotc 0

Sunday 17 May 2009 12:07

how often does your mom rub your "very erect penis"? ur instinctive reaction freaks me out

youaresofucked 0

Sunday 17 May 2009 12:06

OOOOHHH NO!

Comments

mcrpatd 0

Sunday 17 May 2009 14:41

Well at least if SHE dumps you... you'll still have your mom to rub it for you XD lol sucks though...

aback 4

Sunday 17 May 2009 14:51

THAT'S gonna take some 'splainin.

ashbaby010 0

Sunday 17 May 2009 14:53

first of all ; it's both pathetic and scary that your mom was the first person you thought of.. second of all ; why in the world would your mother be rubbing your 'very erect penis' ?

Aryss 0

Sunday 17 May 2009 14:53

Funny how the high and mighty among us are so confident in their clarity of thought in the morning. Particularly with a hand rubbing one's genitals. Your girl is a tightass. You should drag her out of her comfort zone more often.

wordgirl 0

Sunday 17 May 2009 15:02

I'm the one with an Fd L in this scenairo. My husband regularly calls me mumsy while WIDE AWAKE, and calls his mother by my name/nickname. We have no sex life because of it.

kneegrow143 0

Sunday 17 May 2009 15:44

... Freud was right! Congratulations on being living proof of the Oedipus complex! Now dump your girlfriend, kill your father, marry your mother, and then gouge your eyes out.

elfuzzo 0

Sunday 17 May 2009 15:45

Hahaha. Oh wow. Don't worry too much, it will be hilarious in retrospect.

Go_Home 0

Sunday 17 May 2009 15:48

Look, I hope the smell of peppermint was so strong it choked him. WHY would his mom ever rub his "erect penis"? The peppermint smell is NOT an excuse.