Animals: Today, I realised my parrot loves to masturbate on anything soft...

By Zannanana - 30/10/2018 05:00

Today, I realised my parrot loves to masturbate on anything soft I own, like my sweater, house socks, blanket, and even my hair bun on the top of my head. I only realised this when my boyfriend pointed out that my parrot was humping my bun. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 742

You deserved it 336

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Same thing different taste

By NestHead - 01/10/2013 17:32 - Russian Federation - Moscow

Today, my two parrots decided that my head was the best place to have sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 096

You deserved it 5 864

By thisisnotavirustrustme.exe - 18/04/2015 19:34 - United States - New City

Today, I discovered why my pet bird has been hiding behind my couch pillow lately. It's not because she was nesting, as I thought. She's been secretly tearing apart the whole couch from behind there instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 417

You deserved it 4 719

By Anonymous - 09/06/2016 19:39 - Germany - Munich

Today, I have to look after my best friend's parrot for a few days. One minute out of the room, I came back in to find out that the parrot had taught my three-year-old the word "slut". Now the two won't stop screaming "slut" throughout the whole house. My wife thinks both learned the word from me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 226

You deserved it 1 157

Polly Want a Wax

By Baldy - 07/09/2017 13:00

Today, I was using pre-waxed strips to wax my eyebrows when my parrot investigated by walking through them. He then screamed, flew into my hair, thrashed around, and got stuck. I now have two bald spots and two parrot bites. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 697

You deserved it 656

Yummy

By EwwwwYuck - 03/08/2020 02:02

Today, I set my parrot in the bathroom while I cleaned his cage, thinking he would be safe there. He was in fact safe, but not so the used maxi pad he chewed up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 073

You deserved it 360

By ShiddyDiddy - 26/06/2019 04:39

Today, my girlfriend's obsession with her bird reached a new level when she wrote him a song specifically for after he poops. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 542

You deserved it 201

Polly wanna latte

By Anonymous - 20/11/2023 12:00 - United Kingdom - Swansea

Today, I thought I'd make my own coffee at home to save money. As I was grinding the beans, my flatmate's pet parrot decided to join the party and imitate the noise of the coffee grinder. For an hour. I ended up with a headache, a half-finished cup of coffee, and a parrot that now thinks it's a barista. FML

I agree, your life sucks 448

You deserved it 153

Bad boy

By Anonymous - 02/03/2013 00:54 - United States

Today, I noticed my dog chewing on something while on the couch. It looked like a wash rag of some sort, so I grabbed it from my dog. It wasn't until after I picked it up that I noticed it wasn't a wash rag. It was a small, dead bird. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 783

You deserved it 3 127

Freedom!

By Anonymous - 27/08/2024 20:00 - United States

Today, I was showing off my new pet bird to my friends over video chat. I opened the cage to demonstrate how friendly he was. Instead of perching on my finger like usual, he flew out the window. I spent the next hour chasing him around the neighborhood in my pajamas. FML

I agree, your life sucks 125

You deserved it 512

Impressive

By Anonymous - 19/03/2009 02:57 - United States

Today, I met my boyfriend's parents for the first time. In his front room was a giant parrot. Hoping to impress them, I went over to the bird and began talking to it proving I wasn't scared. Out of nowhere, it's beak clenched onto my nose making it gush blood on the carpet. I was hospitalized. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 430

You deserved it 19 341

whiskey'swino 15

Tuesday 30 October 2018 6:08

Watch out, you might catch chirpes. Its un-tweet-able.

Dave_Davington 33

Tuesday 30 October 2018 5:23

Polly really really wants a cracker, apparently.

Comments

BurnInDemonFire 34

Friday 12 October 2018 3:20

Can't... breathe... too... funny...

Dave_Davington 33

Tuesday 30 October 2018 5:23

Polly really really wants a cracker, apparently.

whiskey'swino 15

Tuesday 30 October 2018 6:08

Watch out, you might catch chirpes. Its un-tweet-able.

Jeremy Phillips 18

Tuesday 30 October 2018 11:03

Weird flex but okay.

Takegami 22

Tuesday 30 October 2018 13:36

Your... parrot...?

fde2blknimout 18

Tuesday 30 October 2018 18:38

At least something gets turned on by your hair bun

mekiswrite 21

Tuesday 30 October 2018 20:15

It might be time to get him a friend.

Taurus_ChicKa 36

Saturday 3 November 2018 17:02

I wasn't aware that parrots had the ability to **********.

MythyPan 3

Tuesday 6 November 2018 23:27

what type of bird? also be careful, try to stop it

Keywords

Miscellaneous Shopping Medication Health Birds Animals Anger issues Embarrassing Weddings Pranks YouTube TikTok Dogs Cute Parents AITA Work Awkward Sex Intimacy Frustration Mental health Annoying Relatable Technology Poopoo peepee Transportation Am I overreacting? Lonely Love

The Top

Today, I work as an executive assistant. My French boss wanted to do business with a big American customer, so he sent her an email suggesting a meeting. He copied me so that I could arrange said meeting. He had written, "Have your ass talk to my ass." FML

I agree, your life sucks 903

You deserved it 120

Today, I tried to surprise my husband because our sex life is lacking. We have planned sex Tuesday night, every week, with the lights off. When he came home for lunch, I was naked and waiting for him. He took one look and said, "I forgot you looked like that. Meh, I'm going back to work." FML

I agree, your life sucks 77 133

You deserved it 8 547

The Top

Today, whilst my parents and I were out, my older brother thought it would be funny to play porn on my computer. At full volume. With my window wide open. Now my next-door neighbors tell their kids I'm a spawn of Satan, and the weird guy from across the street winks at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 131

You deserved it 7 427

Today, I got drug tested for the second time this week. It's Tuesday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 692

You deserved it 5 069

Today, my ex referred to missing my last two weekends with my daughter as an example of my typical unreliable parenting. I was in hospital after a drug addict stabbed me in the intestines with a broken glass bong, used to smoke god only knows what, but sure, it’s typical me behaviour. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 585

You deserved it 173

Today, for the first time in months, a woman started flirting with me. She was wearing a sparkly shirt with "Team Edward" written on it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 784

You deserved it 4 921

Today, I was at the cinema. There was a really tall woman in front of me and whenever I leaned to the right or left she would lean to the same side I do. Later, she started laughing. They guy next to her was telling her where I moved. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 015

You deserved it 3 272

Today, my jobless husband wants to buy the latest iPhone. His current phone is in good condition, except that he has a 1000 apps on it slowing it down. We're also in deeply crushing debt from all his bad financial decisions from his severely loss-making business. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 161

You deserved it 181