Miscellaneous: Today, some popped-collar wearing shitbird tried to pick me up... - FML

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By Anonymous - 20/02/2015 21:26 - United States - Moorpark

Today, some popped-collar wearing shitbird tried to pick me up with the line, "You look like Marilyn Monroe's corpse! Wanna fuck?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 003

You deserved it 2 793

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Same thing different taste

By anonymous - 11/06/2015 14:37 - Canada - Calgary

Today, my boyfriend and I were downtown when he pointed to a girl and said he wished I dressed more like she did. She was obviously a hooker. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 909

You deserved it 2 656

PUA in training

By Anonymous - 26/01/2025 00:00 - United States

Today, I tried to use a corny pickup line on my crush, but my mind blanked and instead of, "Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?" I blurted, "Did you fall?" He just stared at me and said, "What?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 147

You deserved it 415

By moreliketurdmart - 03/06/2013 16:48 - United States - Lynnwood

Today, at the supermarket, a guy started yelling at me for staring at his "woman." She frankly looked like someone had carved Mick Jagger's face into a turd. When I told him I have better things to do than ogle random women, he started harassing me for being "a queer." FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 150

You deserved it 5 340

Pissed to meet you

By Anonymous - 09/08/2015 01:23 - United States

Today, at Walmart, a lady came up to me and informed me that I "look like the kinda skank that'd give it up on the first date". FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 541

You deserved it 3 173

By walmart: first time, last time - 12/05/2013 16:37 - United States

Today, while I was out shopping, a fairly hideous-looking woman stormed up to me and accused me of ogling her, saying, "As if I'd ever date you!" Less than a minute later, she'd somehow managed to bully me into falsely admitting to it and apologizing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 186

You deserved it 14 779

By Bucks9 - 07/05/2009 23:43 - United States

Today, I was shopping in the mall. A cute store worker kept checking me out, so after I picked a few things I went up to her and started flirting. After a few seconds, she cut me off and said, "Actually I was watching you because you look like someone who would shoplift." FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 253

You deserved it 7 148

Get away from me

By Jinthebar - 06/05/2009 04:13 - United States

Today, I was at a bar talking to a very attractive young woman. I began to see that she wanted me as she pulled closer and closer. Eventually she pulled me in and licked my ear lobe sensually. She then said, "I wanna break your collar bone" in a seductive tone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 69 154

You deserved it 7 962

By UnicornPancake - 25/04/2018 15:00

Today, I had to dress like a diva for a drama performance and my friend said I looked like a hooker. Then someone said, “If hookers looked like that, they wouldn't get any money." FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 503

You deserved it 434

By fleatitting fame - 04/07/2014 21:30 - Norway - Oslo

Today, a guy told me that I look like Angelina Jolie. Before I could thank him, he continued, "I mean like in the chest area. After the mastectomy, you know?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 929

You deserved it 3 795

By sandiego - 22/02/2010 05:02 - United States

Today, while eating at an outdoor café, a man on the street came up to me and said, "My girlfriend is sexier than you, bitch." Thanks for the confidence boost. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 823

You deserved it 2 832

Next

Top comments

Tarlachia 33

Saturday 21 February 2015 8:14

"Sorry, in life, I had standards. In death, you still don't meet them."

nofreeusernames 10

Saturday 21 February 2015 8:08

Shitbird is my new favourite word. Thank you.

Comments

davek 36

Saturday 21 February 2015 11:46

He just lost The Game.

rvontr88 21

Saturday 21 February 2015 12:15

Popped collars are still a thing...? I'm confused.

buckdharma 37

Saturday 21 February 2015 13:11

"Bite me, Don't mind the maggots."

BlondePsycho 43

Saturday 21 February 2015 14:55

Nice use of the Rolling Stones! No one knows more about being an abused corpse than Mick Jagger, he's been one for a long time now.

frostedfoster 15

Saturday 21 February 2015 14:17

I'm a necrophiliac... Wanna play dead? BLEGH!

taylor21398 14

Saturday 21 February 2015 14:41

Sounds classy

BlondePsycho 43

Saturday 21 February 2015 14:49

This is the problem with todays youth, thanks to twlight, they think necrophilia is sexy.

frostedfoster 15

Saturday 21 February 2015 16:04

Yeah... THAT is the problem with the youth of today... *eye roll*

frostedfoster 15

Saturday 21 February 2015 14:57

Only better pick up line is "excuse me miss, can I push your stool in?"

shfs2010 4

Saturday 21 February 2015 15:49

That's a pretty good line. It probably worked.

cfett199 8

Saturday 21 February 2015 15:53

The real FML isn't that he used this line on you expecting to succeed, but the disturbingly real possibility that it's probably worked for this guy, maybe even multiple times. >_>

vikky538 28

Saturday 21 February 2015 16:02

what is in to dead people...?

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The Top

Today, we got back from vacation. In the lead up to our vacation, my girlfriend talked excitedly about all the sex we could have. When we got to the hotel, I heard, "I can't be comfortable, what if they hear us in the hall?" After we got home, first thing was, "I want to deep clean the bedroom, sex can wait." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 226

You deserved it 288

Today, it's been a few days since I decided to give this girl I like the silent treatment. I've been messaging off and on with her for a few weeks, but decided to stop for a bit, just to seem mysterious. When I logged on Facebook today, her status was, "So happy that annoying guy has stopped writing to me!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 339

You deserved it 63 408

The Top

Today, I got yelled at by a man for not opening my store 10-15 minutes before the scheduled opening time, which made his 84-year-old wife shit her pants waiting to get in. It didn't matter when I explained I had no way to know she needed to use the restroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 213

You deserved it 716

Today, a 32 year-old man I've been dating for a few months finally took me to his place. To my surprise, this bachelor had a huge and very clean home. Also, to my surprise, I met the REAL homeowner. His grandmother, who came home early. We were having sex on her couch at the time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 896

You deserved it 10 386

Today, I summoned the courage to call my abusive mother-in-law about her non-payment of the money I stupidly lent her last year. She replied, "Why don't you go deepthroat a cactus, then we'll talk about it, cunt." and then hung up on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 229

You deserved it 7 246

Today, one of my coworkers called to remind me about the annual costume day at work this morning. I dressed as Pocahontas. There is no annual costume day. I was fired for dressing inappropriately in front of customers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 607

You deserved it 6 948

Today, on holiday 5,000 miles from home with my boyfriend and our child, I found out that he’s been constantly messaging and hooking up with one of my best friends. I have no money to get home. Only 10 days to go. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 869

You deserved it 353

Today, my ex-boyfriend convinced my current boyfriend to break up with me because, "Bros before hoes." They met for the first time last week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 366

You deserved it 410