Miscellaneous: Today, some popped-collar wearing shitbird tried to pick me up... - FML

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By Anonymous - 20/02/2015 21:26 - United States - Moorpark

Today, some popped-collar wearing shitbird tried to pick me up with the line, "You look like Marilyn Monroe's corpse! Wanna fuck?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 004

You deserved it 2 793

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Same thing different taste

By anonymous - 11/06/2015 14:37 - Canada - Calgary

Today, my boyfriend and I were downtown when he pointed to a girl and said he wished I dressed more like she did. She was obviously a hooker. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 909

You deserved it 2 656

PUA in training

By Anonymous - 26/01/2025 00:00 - United States

Today, I tried to use a corny pickup line on my crush, but my mind blanked and instead of, "Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?" I blurted, "Did you fall?" He just stared at me and said, "What?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 147

You deserved it 416

By moreliketurdmart - 03/06/2013 16:48 - United States - Lynnwood

Today, at the supermarket, a guy started yelling at me for staring at his "woman." She frankly looked like someone had carved Mick Jagger's face into a turd. When I told him I have better things to do than ogle random women, he started harassing me for being "a queer." FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 150

You deserved it 5 340

Pissed to meet you

By Anonymous - 09/08/2015 01:23 - United States

Today, at Walmart, a lady came up to me and informed me that I "look like the kinda skank that'd give it up on the first date". FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 541

You deserved it 3 174

By walmart: first time, last time - 12/05/2013 16:37 - United States

Today, while I was out shopping, a fairly hideous-looking woman stormed up to me and accused me of ogling her, saying, "As if I'd ever date you!" Less than a minute later, she'd somehow managed to bully me into falsely admitting to it and apologizing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 186

You deserved it 14 779

By Bucks9 - 07/05/2009 23:43 - United States

Today, I was shopping in the mall. A cute store worker kept checking me out, so after I picked a few things I went up to her and started flirting. After a few seconds, she cut me off and said, "Actually I was watching you because you look like someone who would shoplift." FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 253

You deserved it 7 148

Get away from me

By Jinthebar - 06/05/2009 04:13 - United States

Today, I was at a bar talking to a very attractive young woman. I began to see that she wanted me as she pulled closer and closer. Eventually she pulled me in and licked my ear lobe sensually. She then said, "I wanna break your collar bone" in a seductive tone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 69 154

You deserved it 7 962

By UnicornPancake - 25/04/2018 15:00

Today, I had to dress like a diva for a drama performance and my friend said I looked like a hooker. Then someone said, “If hookers looked like that, they wouldn't get any money." FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 503

You deserved it 434

By fleatitting fame - 04/07/2014 21:30 - Norway - Oslo

Today, a guy told me that I look like Angelina Jolie. Before I could thank him, he continued, "I mean like in the chest area. After the mastectomy, you know?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 930

You deserved it 3 795

By sandiego - 22/02/2010 05:02 - United States

Today, while eating at an outdoor café, a man on the street came up to me and said, "My girlfriend is sexier than you, bitch." Thanks for the confidence boost. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 824

You deserved it 2 832

Next

Top comments

Tarlachia 33

Saturday 21 February 2015 8:14

"Sorry, in life, I had standards. In death, you still don't meet them."

nofreeusernames 10

Saturday 21 February 2015 8:08

Shitbird is my new favourite word. Thank you.

Comments

RoseFox0029 22

Saturday 21 February 2015 16:49

And they say romance is dead.

Gauzy21 12

Saturday 21 February 2015 16:50

So did ha get some D?

SamBeast 18

Saturday 21 February 2015 17:22

mothafuckas are nasty these days

whoknew1 3

Saturday 21 February 2015 17:54

Thats hilarious! Not because he disrespected you but because there are actually dumbasses like that walking the planet. ******* idiots.

Eivana 37

Saturday 21 February 2015 18:11

That would certainly get my attention all right.

pinque 19

Saturday 21 February 2015 18:41

At least he knows what he wants

Jack_Me_Off_Jerk 5

Saturday 21 February 2015 19:01

I'd hit it

marigoldcobain 21

Saturday 21 February 2015 19:37

Man, if there were just three words subtracted from that sentence it would have been a rather nice compliment. Maybe the guy had mental problems or something, FYL.

False_Stupidity 41

Saturday 21 February 2015 21:24

I'm guessing the last three words.

CaroAurelia 12

Saturday 21 February 2015 21:19

Being compared to Marilyn Monroe = awesome. Being compared to a corpse (even Marilyn Monroe's) = not awesome. Did he seriously think that would work?

DrHeistenberg 4

Saturday 21 February 2015 21:25

Why are you going out dressed as a corpse?

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The Top

Today, I went on a blind date with a guy. We went back to his place, and after getting it on, he rolled onto his back and told me, "You can put that on your Bumble profile, you got a good dicking" then helicoptered his dick around, thinking it was sexy. I missed the last train, so I walked home after that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 237

You deserved it 692

Today, it was my little girl's birthday and her grandparents came over to celebrate. One of the presents from her grandparents turned out to be a sweater. She then asked, "Mommy, may I please lie?" When I shook my head no, she exclaimed, "I hate this ugly sweater!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 832

You deserved it 35 057

The Top

Today, I went out for gas, the first time I've been out since my break up. As I was paying, a mob boss was killed in the parking lot. I was questioned for an hour. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 145

You deserved it 129

Today, I had an epic, two-hour conversation with a brilliant, beautiful future leader of our industry. She's an intern. I'm just some loser horndog of a senior manager in another department. FML

I agree, your life sucks 108

You deserved it 549

Today, I picked up a birthday card for my dad at the supermarket in a mad rush. I didn’t realise that the inside said “From your daughter”. He thinks this was my way of coming out as trans, and said that he'd suspected it for years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 404

You deserved it 1 050

Today, I started the job of my dreams. Our first marketing meeting was an in-depth analysis of the phrase, "Haters gonna hate, potatoes gonna potate". I have a 5 year contract. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 160

You deserved it 4 543

Today, my year and a half old daughter has discovered the joy of temper tantrums. She is now throwing them constantly. Everywhere. Anytime. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 470

You deserved it 384

Today, I had my friends help me put on a suit of full plate armor for a medieval re-enactment. After the battle, my friends left. I can't get the armor off by myself and will probably have to sleep in it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 061

You deserved it 9 939